Part 16 (1/2)
”Yes you are! And I know what you want! That wh.o.r.e hired you!”
”Which wh.o.r.e? I know a lot of wh.o.r.es.”
He poked me in the chest with the hammer. ”She hired you to spy on me! To find out what secrets I had hidden in my parent's house! Well, now you'll be privy to those secrets, Mr. Private Eye! Because I'm going to show them to you!”
I checked my bonds, noted he had used the same clothesline he'd purchased at the hardware store. The knots were tight, expert. My legs were bound as well, tied to the steel chair legs of the steel chair, which was made of steel. The bas.e.m.e.nt was unfurnished, concrete floor, I-beams and joists exposed in the ceiling, menacing curtains sectioning off the area we were in.
”Got any aspirin?” I asked. ”Some a.s.shole hit me with a hammer.”
”Silence!”
”And can you please stop shouting? I'm right here. It's not like I'm in another part of the house and you're calling me for dinner.”
The freak chuckled, the nostrils on his large nose flaring out.
”Oh, funny you should mention dinner. Because the main course...” He cackled.
”Yeah?” I asked.
”The main course...” More cackling.
”What's the main course, Emeril?”
”The... main course... is...” Hysterical laughter now.
I interrupted him. ”I got it. The main course is me. You're going to eat me. Scary. What a scary guy you are.”
”Not me, Mr. McGlade. You're going to be a snack,” cackle cackle, ”for my... zombie wife!”
I waited for the giggles to die down before I said, ”Dude, your wife isn't a zombie.”
”Yes she is.”
”She's not even dead. I just saw her like an hour ago.”
”Not that hag. I mean my first wife. The love of my life, tragically taken from me after only one year of marriage.”
”So what about that ugly chick back at your house?”
”Her? I married her for the money.”
I smiled. ”Thank G.o.d. I thought you were totally nuts there for a minute.”
”No kidding. She's a real heifer, isn't she?”
”I said in the first chapter that it was like G.o.d took a dare to make the most unattractive woman possible.”
”Yes, that's Norma.”
”Who?”
”My second wife! But now it's time for you to meet my first wife! And to feed her! Do you know what a necromancer is, Mr. McGlade?”
I shrugged. Not an easy task when tied up. ”I meant to look it up.”
”It's someone who has the power to raise the dead. Since Roberta died...”
”Who?”
”My first wife.”
”This is a lot of names to keep straight. Can you write them down on a sticky pad for me?”
He didn't take the bait. I'd hoped he would have gone off in search of a sticky pad, which would have given my time to scoot my chair over to the menacing curtains hanging from the ceiling and hide behind them. He'd never think to look for me there, and would probably go watch TV or something.
But he was too smart to be tricked.
”Since Roberta died, I've been searching for a way to bring her back. Now, through a combination of magic and science-something I call sci-magic-I have finally gained mastery over death! Behold, Mr. McGlade, the living dead!”
He cast aside the menacing curtain. Hanging from the ceiling was a dead body.
”Is that her?” I asked.
”That, indeed, is Roberta, my Zombie Wife!”
He spread out his hands, as if waiting for applause. Even if I wasn't tied up, I wouldn't have applauded.
”That's not a zombie,” I said. ”That's a dead chick hanging on a rope.”
”Really, Mr. McGlade? Really?”
”Yeah. Really.”
”Well, watch this then.” He turned to face the corpse. ”Roberta, my love, come to me!”
Phil grabbed an overhead rope, and Roberta swung forward using a system of weights and pulleys. He made her wave at me.
”You're b.u.t.t nuts,” I said.
”She lives, Mr. McGlade! And she thirsts for your fles.h.!.+ For nothing else can quell the hunger of the living dead! Isn't that right, Roberta?”
He tugged another rope, and she nodded. Actually, it was more of a sideways flop then a nod.
”Look, buddy, this has all been tremendously entertaining, but what do you say we untie me, I go to the cops, and you get put in a nice room with soft rubber walls so you don't hurt yourself?”
”I'm not crazy! Roberta is one of the walking dead!”
”More like the swaying dead.”
He got in my face. ”Admit she's undead!”