Part 6 (2/2)
”For what?” I cried.
”Unpaid dog-taxes for ten years,” Boswell explained. ”We have just as much government below in our cities as you have, and I will say for Hades that our cities are better run than yours.”
”I suppose that is due to the fact that when a man gets to Hades he immediately becomes a reformer,” I suggested, with a wink at the machine, which somehow or other did not seem to appreciate the joke.
”Possibly,” observed Boswell. ”Whatever the reason, however, the fact remains that Cimmeria is a well-governed city, and, what is more, it isn't afraid to a.s.sert its rights even as against old Apollyon himself.”
”It's safe enough for a corporation,” said I. ”Much safer for a corporation which has no soul, than for an individual who has. You can't torture a city--”
”Oh, can't you!” laughed Boswell. ”Humph. Apollyon can make it as hot for a city as he can for an individual. It is evident that you never heard of Sodom and Gomorrah--which is surprising to me, since your jokes about Lot's wife being too fresh and getting salted down, would seem to indicate that you had heard something about the punishment those cities underwent.”
”You are right, Bozzy,” I said. ”I had forgotten. But tell me about the dog-tax. Does the State own a dog?”
”Does it?” roared Boswell. ”Why, my dear fellow, where were you brought up and educated. Does the State own a dog!”
”That's what I asked you,” I put in, meekly. ”I may be very ignorant, unless you mean the kind that we have in our legislatures, called the watch-dogs of the treasury, or, perhaps, the dogs of war. But I never thought any city would be crazy enough to make the government take out a license for them.”
”Never heard of a beast named Cerberus, I suppose?” said Boswell.
”Yes, I have,” I answered. ”He guards the gates to the infernal regions.”
”Well--he's the bone of contention,” said Boswell. ”You see, about ten years ago the people of Cimmeria got rather tired of the condition of their streets. They were badly paved. They were full of good intentions, but the citizens thought they ought to have something more lasting, so they voted to appropriate an enormous sum for asphalting. They didn't realize how sloppy asphalt would become in that climate, but after the asphalt was put down they found out, and a Beelzebub of a time of it they had. Pegasus sprained his off hind leg by slipping on it, Bucephalus got into it with all four feet and had to be lifted out with a derrick, and every other fine horse we had was more or less injured, and the damage suits against the city were enormous. To remedy this, the asphalting was taken up and a Nicholson wood pavement was put down. This was worse than the other. It used to catch fire every other night, and, finally, to protect their houses, the people rose up en ma.s.se and ripped it all to pieces.
”This necessitated a third new pavement, of Belgian blocks, to pay for which the already overburdened city of Cimmeria had to issue bonds to an enormous amount, all of which necessitated an increase of taxes.
Naturally, one of the first taxes to be imposed was a dog-tax, and it was that which led to this lawsuit, which, I regret to say, the city has lost, although Judge Blackstone's decision was eminently fair.”
”Wouldn't the State pay?” I asked.
”Yes--on Cerberus as one dog,” said Boswell. ”The city claimed, however, that Cerberus was more than that, and endeavored to collect on three dogs--one license for each head. This the State declined to pay, and out of this grew further complications of a distressing nature. The city sent its dog-catchers up to abscond with the dog, intending to cut off two of its heads, and return the balance as being as much of the beast as the State was ent.i.tled to maintain on a single license. It was an unfortunate move, for when Cerberus himself took the situation in, which he did at a glance, he nabbed the dog-catcher by the coat-tails with one pair of jaws, grabbed hold of his collar with another, and shook him as he would a rat, meanwhile chewing up other portions of the unfortunate official with his third set of teeth. The functionary was then carried home on a stretcher, and subsequently sued the city for damages, which he recovered.
”Another man was sent out to lure the ferocious beast to the pound with a la.s.so, but it worked no better than the previous attempt. The la.s.so fell all right tight about one of the animal's necks, but his other two heads immediately set to work and gnawed the rope through, and then set off after the dog-catcher, overtaking him at the very door of the pound.
This time he didn't do any biting, but lifting the dog-catcher up with his various sets of teeth, fastened to his collar, coat-tails, and feet respectively, carried him yelling like a trooper to the end of the wharf and dropped him into the Styx. The result of this was nervous prostration for the dog-catcher, another suit for damages for the city, and a great laugh for the State authorities. In fact,” Boswell added, confidentially, ”I think perhaps the reason why the Prime-minister hasn't got Apollyon to hang the whole city government has been due to the fun they've got out of seeing Cerberus and the city fighting it out together. There's no doubt about it that he is a wonderful dog, and is quite capable of taking care of himself.”
”But the outcome of the case?” I asked, much interested.
”Defeat for the city,” said Boswell. ”Failing to enforce its authority by means of its servants, the city undertook to recover by due process of law. The dog-catchers were powerless; the police declined to act on the advice of the commissioners, since dog-catching was not within their province; and the fire department averred that it was designed for the putting out of fires and not for extinguis.h.i.+ng fiery canines like Cerberus. The dog, meanwhile, to show his contempt for the city, chewed the license-tag off the neck upon which it had been placed, and dropped it into a smelting-pot inside the gates of the infernal regions that was reserved to bring political prisoners to their senses, and, worse than all, made a perfect nuisance of himself by barking all day and baying all night, rain or s.h.i.+ne.”
”Papers in a suit at law were then served on Mazarin and the other members of Apollyon's council, the causes of complaint were recited, and damages for ten years back taxes on two dogs, plus the amounts recovered from the city by the two injured dog-catchers, were demanded. The suit was put upon the calendar, and Apollyon himself sat upon the bench with Judge Blackstone, before whom the case was to be tried.
”On both sides the arguments were exceedingly strong. c.o.ke appeared for the city and Catiline for the State. After the complaint was read, the attorney for the State put in his answer, that the State's contention was that the ordinance had been complied with, that Cerberus was only one dog, and that the license had been paid; that the license having been paid, the dog-catchers had no right to endeavor to abduct the animal, and that having done so they did it at their own peril; that the suit ought to be dismissed, but that for the fun of it the State was perfectly willing to let it go on.
”In reb.u.t.tal the plaintiff claimed that Cerberus was three dogs to all intents and purposes, and the first dog-catcher was called to testify.
After giving his name and address he was asked a few questions of minor importance, and then c.o.ke asked:
<script>