Part 5 (2/2)
”Wherefore my home about to become unattractive through the absence of my boys and their mother, I shall need some extraordinary diversion to accomplish my happiness. Now if you can come here, why can't others?
Suppose to-night you dash off on the machine a lot of invitations to the pleasantest people in Hades to come up here with you and have an evening on earth, which isn't all bad.”
”It's a scheme and a half,” said Boswell, with more enthusiasm than I had expected. ”I'll do it, only instead of trying to get these people to make a pilgrimage to your shrine, which I think they would decline to do--Shakespeare, for instance, wouldn't give a tuppence to inspect your birthplace as you have inspected his--I'll inst.i.tute a series of 'Boswell's Personally Conducted Pleasure Parties,' and make you my agent here. That, you see, will naturally make your home our headquarters, and I think the scheme would work a charm, because there are a great many well-known Stygians who are curious to revisit the scenes of their earlier state, but who are timid about coming on their own responsibility.”
”I see,” said I. ”Immortals are but mortal after all, with all the timidity and weaknesses of mortality. But I agree to the proposition, and if you wish it I'll prepare to give them a rousing old time.”
”And be sure to show them something characteristic,” said Boswell.
”I will,” I replied; ”I may even get up a trolley-party for them.”
”I don't know what a trolley-party is, but it sounds well,” said Boswell, ”and I'll advertise the enterprise at once. 'Boswell's Personally Conducted Pleasure Parties. First Series, No. 1. Trolleying Through Hoboken. For the Round Trip, Four Dollars. Supper and All Expenses Included. No Tips. Extra Lady's Ticket, One Dollar.'”
”Hold on!” I cried. ”That can't be. These affairs will really have to be stag-parties--with my wife away, you know.”
”Not if we secure a suitable chaperon,” said Boswell.
”Anyhow!” said I, with great positiveness. ”You don't suppose that in the absence of my family I'm going to have my neighbors see me cavorting about the country on a trolley-car full of queens and d.u.c.h.esses and other females of all ages? Not a bit of it, my dear James. I'm not a strictly conventional person, but there are some points between which I draw lines. I've got to live on this earth for a little while yet, and until I leave it I must be guided more or less in what I do by what the world approves or disapproves.”
”Very well,” Boswell answered. ”I suppose you are right, but in the autumn, when your family has returned--”
”We can discuss the matter again,” said I, resolved to put off the question for as long a time as I could, for I candidly confess that I had no wish to make myself responsible for the welfare of such Stygian ladies as might avail themselves of the opportunity to go off on one of Boswell's tours. ”Show the value and beauties of your plan to the influential men of Hades first, my dear Boswell,” I added, ”and then if they choose they can come again and bring their wives with them on their own responsibility.”
”I fancy that is the best plan, but we ought to have some variety in these tours,” he replied. ”A trolley-party, however successful, would not make a great season for an entertainment bureau, would it?”
”No, indeed,” said I. ”You are perfectly right about that. What you want is one function a week during the summer season. Open with the trolley-party as No. 1 of your first series. Follow this with 'An Evening of Vaudeville: The Grand Tour of the Roof Gardens.' After that have a 'Sunday at the Sea-side--Surf Bathing, Summer Girls and Sand.'
That would make a mighty attractive line for your advertis.e.m.e.nt.”
”Magnificent. I don't see why you don't give up poetry and magazine work and get a position as poster-writer for a circus. You are only a mediocre magazinist, but in the poster business you'd be a genius.”
This was tapped off with such manifest sincerity that I could not take offence, so I thanked him and resumed.
”The grand finale of your first series might be 'A Tandem Scorch: A Century Run on a Bicycle Built for Two Hundred!'”
”Magnificent!” cried Boswell, with such enthusiasm that I feared he would smash the machine. ”I'll devote a whole page of my Sunday issue to the prospectus--but, to return to the woman question, we ought really to have something to announce for them. Hades hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I can't afford to scorn the s.e.x. You needn't have anything to do with them if you don't want to--only tell me something I can announce, and I'll make Henry the Eighth solid again by putting that branch of the enterprise in his wives' hands. In that way I'll kill two birds with one stone.”
”That's all very well, Boswell, but I'm afraid I can't,” said I. ”It's hard enough to know how to please a mortal woman without attempting to get up a series of picnics for the rather miscellaneous a.s.sortment of ladies who form your social structure below. All men are alike, and man's pleasures in all times have been generally the same, but every woman is unique. I never knew two who were alike, and if it's all the same to you I'd rather you left me out of your ladies' tours altogether.
Of course I know that even the Queen of Sheba would enjoy a visit to a Monday sale at one of our big department stores, and I am quite as well aware that nine out of ten women in Hades or out of it would enjoy the millinery exhibition at the opera matinee--and if these two ideas impress you at all you are welcome to them--but beyond this I have nothing to suggest.”
”Well, I'm sure those two ideas are worth a great deal,” returned Boswell, making a note of them; ”I shall announce four trips to Monday sales--”
”Call 'em 'To Bargaindale and Back: The Great Marked-down Tour,' and be sure you add, 'For Able-bodied Women Only. No Tickets Issued Except on Recommendation of your Family Physician.' This is especially important, for next to a war or a football match there's nothing that I know of that is quite so dangerous to the partic.i.p.ants as a bargain day.”
”I'll bear what you say in mind,” quoth Boswell, and he made a note of my injunction. ”And immediately upon my return to Hades I will request an audience with Henry's queens, and ask them to devise a number of other tours likely to prove profitable and popular.”
Shortly after my visitor departed and I retired. The next day my family deserted me and went to the mountains, and all my fears as to the inordinate sense of loneliness which was to be my lot were realized.
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