Part 25 (2/2)
Hang it, old fellow, I'll hit you a m.u.f.fler, Since you won't give me a pinch of the pelf.
You has not a heart for the general distress, You cares not a mag if our party should fall, And if Scarlet Jem were not good at a press, By Goles, it would soon be all up with us all!
Oh, Scarlet Jem, he is trusty and trim, Like his wig to his poll, sticks his conscience to him; But I vows I despises the fellow who prizes More his own ends than the popular stock, sir; And the soldier as bones for himself and his crones, Should be boned like a traitor himself at the block, sir.
The severe response of Mobbing Francis did not in the least ruffle the const.i.tutional calmness of Fighting Attie; but the wary Clifford, seeing that Francis had lost his temper, and watchful over the least sign of disturbance among the company, instantly called for another song, and Mobbing Francis sullenly knocked down Old Bags.
The night was far gone, and so were the wits of the honest tax-gatherers, when the president commanded silence, and the convivialists knew that their chief was about to issue forth the orders for the ensuing term. Nothing could be better timed than such directions,--during merriment and before oblivion.
”Gentlemen,” said the captain, ”I will now, with your leave, impart to you all the plans I have formed for each. You, Attie, shall repair to London: be the Windsor road and the purlieus of Pimlico your especial care. Look you, my hero, to these letters; they will apprise you of much work. I need not caution you to silence. Like the oyster, you never open your mouth but for something. Honest Old Bags, a rich grazier will be in Smithfield on Thursday; his name is Hodges, and he will have somewhat like a thousand pounds in his pouch. He is green, fresh, and avaricious; offer to a.s.sist him in defrauding his neighbours in a bargain, and cease not till thou hast done that with him which he wished to do to others.
Be, excellent old man, like the frog-fish, which fishes for other fishes with two horns that resemble baits; the prey dart at the horns, and are down the throat in an instant!--For thee, dearest Jem, these letters announce a prize: fat is Parson Pliant; full is his purse; and he rides from Henley to Oxford on Friday,--I need say no more! As for the rest of you, gentlemen, on this paper you will see your destinations fixed. I warrant you, ye will find enough work till we meet again this day three months. Myself, Augustus Tomlinson, and Ned Pepper remain in Bath; we have business in hand, gentlemen, of paramount importance; should you by accident meet us, never acknowledge us,--we are incog.; striking at high game, and putting on falcon's plumes to do it in character,--you understand; but this accident can scarcely occur, for none of you will remain at Bath; by to-morrow night, may the road receive you. And now, gentlemen, speed the gla.s.s, and I'll give you a sentiment by way of a spur to it,--
”'Much sweeter than honey Is other men's money!”'
Our hero's maxim was received with all the enthusiasm which agreeable truisms usually create. And old Mr. Bags rose to address the chair; unhappily for the edification of the audience, the veteran's foot slipped before he had proceeded further than ”Mr. President;” he fell to the earth with a sort of reel,--
”Like shooting stars he fell to rise no more!”
His body became a capital footstool for the luxurious Pepper. Now Augustus Tomlinson and Clifford, exchanging looks, took every possible pains to promote the hilarity of the evening; and before the third hour of morning had sounded, they had the satisfaction of witnessing the effects of their benevolent labours in the prostrate forms of all their companions. Long Ned, naturally more capacious than the rest, succ.u.mbed the last.
”As leaves of trees,” said the chairman, waving his hand,
”'As leaves of trees the race of man is found, Now fresh with dew, now withering on the ground.'”
”Well said, my Hector of Highways;” cried Tomlinson; and then helping himself to the wine, while he employed his legs in removing the supine forms of Scarlet Jem and Long Ned, he continued the Homeric quotation, with a pompous and self-gratulatory tone,--
”'So flourish these when those have pa.s.sed away!'”
”We managed to get rid of our friends,” began Clifford--
”Like Whigs in place,” interrupted the politician.
”Right, Tomlinson, thanks to the milder properties of our drink, and perchance to the stronger qualities of our heads; and now tell me, my friend, what think you of our chance of success? Shall we catch an heiress or not?”
”Why, really,” said Tomlinson, ”women are like those calculations in arithmetic, which one can never bring to an exact account; for my part, I shall stuff my calves, and look out for a widow. You, my good fellow, seem to stand a fair chance with Miss ------”
”Oh, name her not!” cried Clifford, colouring, even through the flush which wine had spread over his countenance. ”Ours are not the lips by which her name should be breathed; and, faith, when I think of her, I do it anonymously.”
”What, have you ever thought of her before this evening?”
”Yes, for months,” answered Clifford. ”You remember some time ago, when we formed the plan for robbing Lord Mauleverer, how, rather for frolic than profit, you robbed Dr. Slopperton, of Warlock, while I compa.s.sionately walked home with the old gentleman. Well, at the parson's house I met Miss Brandon--mind, if I speak of her by name, you must not; and, by Heaven!--But I won't swear. I accompanied her home.
You know, before morning we robbed Lord Mauleverer; the affair made a noise, and I feared to endanger you all if I appeared in the vicinity of the robbery. Since then, business diverted my thoughts; we formed the plan of trying a matrimonial speculation at Bath. I came hither,--guess my surprise at seeing her--”
”And your delight,” added Tomlinson, ”at hearing she is as rich as she is pretty.”
”No!” answered Clifford, quickly; ”that thought gives me no pleasure.
You stare. I will try and explain. You know, dear Tomlinson, I'm not much of a canter, and yet my heart shrinks when I look on that innocent face, and hear that soft happy voice, and think that my love to her can be only ruin and disgrace; nay, that my very address is contamination, and my very glance towards her an insult.”
”Heyday!” quoth Tomlinson; ”have you been under my instructions, and learned the true value of words, and can you have any scruples left on so easy a point of conscience? True, you may call your representing yourself to her as an unprofessional gentleman, and so winning her affections, deceit; but why call it deceit when a genius for intrigue is so much neater a phrase? In like manner, by marrying the young lady, if you say you have ruined her, you justly deserve to be annihilated; but why not say you have saved yourself, and then, my dear fellow, you will have done the most justifiable thing in the world.”
”Pish, man!” said Clifford, peevishly; ”none of thy sophisms and sneers!”
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