Part 16 (2/2)

The Grizzly Girls Are a formidable team, and they place well ahead of the rest. After they collect their trophy, Kendra waves toward Jenna. Guess we should go say hi. She gloms onto my hand, holds tight, leads me down the bleacher stairs like I'm a little kid who can't handle it on his own.

But that's okay. I like the possessiveness.

All eyes are on me, and each pair seems to hold a different opinion. Jenna makes the introductions.

This is my sister, Kendra. The toffee-haired girl is Cara; the redhead, Aubree. And the black girl is named Shantell.

It is she who gives the most scathing look.

And when I say, ”Pleased to meet you,” she turns around, stalks away.

Cara

Turned Around I can't see the hurt in Sean's eyes. Blinders on, I can pretend he wants me to run from him.

I.

have opened the flood- gates, am helpless against the furious flow. I don't have the strength to fight, can barely keep my head above water, and I don't know where I'll wash up if I just let go. Does it hurt to drown?

No one teaches you how to walk away from someone who you know loves you.

No one teaches you how to say good-bye.

I Have Become An Expert At making excuses. Manufacturing lies. Walking the tightrope between fact and fiction. Why can't I just come clean? I'm such a coward.

I am afraid of hurting Sean, who hasn't done anything wrong except not be Dani. And maybe, just maybe, not belong to the right gender club.

I'm also afraid of that possible truth.

Can a girl fall in love with a girl and not be gay? Can she dream of silken skin, perfumed with female musk, yet joyfully submit to a man's calloused touch? I still think I owe it to myself to find out for sure.

So why do I keep finding reasons to distance myself from Sean? I told him I'd see him last night. Instead, when he came over to get me, we ended up in a major fight about my leaving the game without hanging around to say hi. Considering his home run won the game, I probably should have. But I wasn't in the mood for questions about Dani. Not that he hasn't asked me about her since.

So who was that hot chick with crazy hair? I don't see her around school.

I could confess a couple of things.

”I met Dani boarding at Rose. She dug me out of a drift, in fact. And she goes to TMCC.” It was enough. For the moment.

I Hope He Doesn't Ask More About her tonight. We are going to a movie, then maybe (maybe!) finding a nice, quiet place for me to get the answer I desperately need. I watch for him out the window, trying not to listen to my mom and dad talking too loudly about my brother.

They haven't really fought in a while, but they're currently having a smack- down. Seems Conner refuses to come home for a scheduled Easter visit. Dad chooses to take it personally.

What the h.e.l.l is wrong with him?

Does he really prefer the company of lunatics to that of his family?

Mom raises her voice in answer.

Let him stay in that place if that's what he wants. Who needs the stress of having him here? What if he tries again? His progress is questionable.

Dad volleys back. What's in question is the ability of his so-called doctors.

We're hemorrhaging money to keep him there, with what probability of success?

Money? That's what he's worried about? He could hemorrhage cash by the barrel and still not bleed his bank accounts all the way out.

I don't know what you want me to say! Mom shrieks. No wonder Conner flipped. It's in the genetics.

Both of his parents are freaks.

Unfortunately, they're my parents too. Fortunately, headlights coming up the drive mean I can escape them.

At least for a few hours. I start past, ignoring the heat of their mutual glare. And out of my mouth comes, ”Hey. What happens to Stanford if you have to sign up for welfare?”

I Half Expect Them To be so wrapped up in grappling with each other to worry much about wrestling me. Which, of course, turns out to be wishful thinking. Mom halts me with her forearm. I do not appreciate your snide commentary, nor your eavesdropping. Whose side are you on here? She waits for my answer. I glance toward Dad, but I'm not sure why. He is still-frozen as winter gla.s.s.

”I may be rude, but I'm not a spy.

You weren't exactly whispering.

And anyway, it was just a joke.

Try developing a sense of humor.”

Why must I poke toothpicks at snakes?

There is nothing funny about our current situation, Mom declares.

But Conner will be fixed. And by no means is your education at stake.

Fixed?

Like a car in need of a tune-up?

Would installing a new set of spark plugs make Conner run like a champ?

If so, could that be true of my parents?

Or me? Maybe I should schedule an appointment. As for Stanford, I have zero worries. Not going there would mean more than disappointment.

It would mean solid defeat, especially for Dad, who has paved the way for his children to shadow him there.

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