Part 4 (1/2)

”No,” he agreed. ”It's a multipurpose outfit. It really p.i.s.ses Greg off. For a while I had a denim jacket that some a.s.shole wrote f.a.ggot f.a.ggot on the back of, so I added the words on the back of, so I added the words Yes, I am a... Yes, I am a... and I wore it everywhere. Until Greg burned it.” and I wore it everywhere. Until Greg burned it.”

Eden looked up at him. ”Are you really sure that you're...You know.”

Something changed in his eyes, and she knew that she'd just made a blunder.

”Sorry,” she quickly said, but he spoke over her.

”Gay,” he said. ”You're allowed to say the word. And yes, I'm very sure. Don't tell me that's a problem for you you, too?”

”Don't be stupid,” she said, far more sharply than she'd intended. But then she realized that being spoken to sharply was exactly what he needed in order to erase that defensive, wary look from his eyes. So she kept going. ”Stupid would be a problem. Gay is...” She realized that she'd automatically lowered her voice to say that word, would be a problem. Gay is...” She realized that she'd automatically lowered her voice to say that word, gay gay, so she started over. ”Gay is not.” She said it even louder. ”Gay is not a problem. If Pinkie had been gay-if Pinkie had lived...Lord, Ben, what I wouldn't give for Pinkie to be alive and gay.”

She felt her face crumple, felt her eyes well, and Ben hugged her again. And it was was weird that he was bigger than she was, that his arms were long enough to wrap around her, instead of just around her neck. But he didn't just look, feel, and sound different, he weird that he was bigger than she was, that his arms were long enough to wrap around her, instead of just around her neck. But he didn't just look, feel, and sound different, he smelled smelled different, too. different, too.

And as he started to murmur, ”I'm so sorry,” Eden cut him off, pulling back to look at him through narrowed eyes.

”Do you smoke smoke?” she asked him. ”Ben...” ”Ben...”

He looked abashed. ”Sort of,” he said. ”I mean, yes, but not really.”

”Grandpa Ramsey died of lung cancer,” Eden reminded him.

Ben shook his head. ”I don't,” he said. ”Inhale.”

Did he really really expect her to believe him? ”If we can pull this off,” Eden said, ”and you're living with me? You are expect her to believe him? ”If we can pull this off,” Eden said, ”and you're living with me? You are not not smoking in my house. Read my lips. Not.” smoking in my house. Read my lips. Not.”

”No,” he said. ”I know. It's really just...It's a prop,” he said, gesturing to himself. ”Part of the...persona. I really don't inhale. I just light 'em and...”

Okay, so maybe she did believe him-which meant that he was still a dork inside. Which was a relief. ”Then you'll have to keep your props props out of my house.” out of my house.”

Ben laughed at that, but his smile was twisted. ”You want to know something funny? In Greg's house, I'm allowed to smoke, but I can't be gay.”

”Our house. I meant to say our our house,” Eden corrected herself as they both sat down at the little table where she'd been filling out a job application. ”And screw Greg. In his house, I couldn't be me, either. He's a creep.” house,” Eden corrected herself as they both sat down at the little table where she'd been filling out a job application. ”And screw Greg. In his house, I couldn't be me, either. He's a creep.”

There was a ”Help Wanted” sign in the window, and applying for a job was a way to use the table without having to buy anything. Expensive coffee and pastries weren't in Eden's strict budget.

Besides, she needed a second job-a cover job so that she didn't have to tell Ben where she was really working-and this place, with its Internet cafe and public computers, would be perfect.

She glanced at her brother. ”How's Ivette?”

He shook his head. ”She's been working nights for a while-some new job. I haven't seen her that much.”

”Sandy?” she asked about their older sister.

”She went back in.”

To rehab. ”That's good,” Eden said.

But Ben shrugged. ”It was that or jail.”

”Who's got the kids?” Eden asked.

”Ron's mother, because, well, Ron is is in jail.” in jail.”

”That's good,” Eden said, both about Ron's mother and Ron's being in jail. Sandy's ex-husband was a twisted son of a b.i.t.c.h who drank even more than Sandy did, and the kids wouldn't have been safe with him. ”His mom seemed...nice.”

”She lent Ivette and Greg some of the money they needed to send me to brainwas.h.i.+ng camp in June.” His smile was a twist of his lips. ”She donated it to the church. I'm a church project-send the gay kid away to teach him how to be straight-how about that?”

”No one's going to send you anywhere,” Eden told him. It was the reason she'd come back to this G.o.dforsaken place.

”Can we really pull this off?” Ben asked, the anxiety in his eyes making him look eleven again. And in a flash, she was back in New Orleans, at the Superdome.

Back then, she'd failed him. This time, she wouldn't.

”We can,” she told him with far more bravado than she felt, because so much of her plan was riding on their brother Danny-the-magnificent-the Navy SEAL. Who still still hadn't answered her latest e-mail. She had no idea what she was going to do if he told her no, or to go screw herself. To avoid that scenario, she had to make sure she paid him back every penny she'd ever owed him, hadn't answered her latest e-mail. She had no idea what she was going to do if he told her no, or to go screw herself. To avoid that scenario, she had to make sure she paid him back every penny she'd ever owed him, before before she asked him to make this new sacrifice. Which was why she was debuting tonight as D'Amato's newest stripper. ”I'm going to get you out of here, Boo-Boo, I promise. California will be better. You'll love living in San Diego.” she asked him to make this new sacrifice. Which was why she was debuting tonight as D'Amato's newest stripper. ”I'm going to get you out of here, Boo-Boo, I promise. California will be better. You'll love living in San Diego.”

Her use of his childhood nickname made him smile, and again she was struck by how handsome he'd become. But oh Lord, while she was certain that living in San Diego would be better for Ben, she wasn't convinced it wasn't going to be h.e.l.l on earth for her. Living on edge, near the Navy base in Coronado, afraid that any moment she might run into Izzy or one of his friends...

But unless she could convince Danny to transfer to the East Coast, she was going to have to make it work. She would would make it work. For Ben's sake. make it work. For Ben's sake.

Because he was going to that ex-gay camp over her dead body.

”While I'm doing this,” she told Ben, pointing down to her application, ”use their computer and jump online. I need to find a place to live. Preferably a furnished sublet, dirt cheap, month-to-month lease. It's got to be big enough for you to be able to crash there whenever you want, so make sure it's a one-bedroom not a studio.” He stood up, his chair sc.r.a.ping across the floor, but she stopped him with a hand on his skinny wrist. ”And it needs to be far enough from Ivette and Greg's so that they don't stumble across me. Got it?”

Ben nodded, and they both got down to work.

LANDSTUHL, GERMANY.

FRIDAY, 17 A APRIL 2009.

Jennilyn was there.

At first, Dan thought he was dreaming.

It was a really vivid dream, though. It was so real that he actually smelled her-the sweetness of her shampoo and that lotion she used to keep her hands soft. It brought him instantly back to her tiny New York City apartment, and those few days they'd spent, locked in there, together. Alone.

Most of the time, they'd been alone.

And naked.

And he was going to go with that-his memories of the last time he'd made love to her, and just float away again for a while, wrapped in the warmth and safety of a pain-free place filled with pleasure and lightness, when he heard her voice.

”No, that's okay,” she said, as clearly as if she were standing next to him. ”I don't mind seeing it. I'd like to. I'd...like to be able to help him take care of it, so...”

He felt the coolness of air on his nether regions, and then Jenn's voice said, ”Oh,” as if she'd been holding her breath and had exhaled it all at once.

She was holding his hand in his dream, he realized. Her grip had tightened, and it felt so real and solid, he almost didn't want to wake up because he really liked the fact that she was there. He tried to tighten his grip on her, afraid she would slip away, but for some reason, in this particular dream, his arms and legs felt heavy and uncooperative. He really had to work to do it.

But then she said, all in a rush, ”Oh, my G.o.d, I think he just squeezed my hand. Dan...Danny, are you awake?”

”I'm awake in my dream, but my eyes won't open,” he tried to tell her, but the words didn't come out very clearly. In fact, it sounded more like a moan.