Part 11 (1/2)

SERVANTS.

Jonas Hanway having once advertised for a coachman, he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms agreed on: ”But,” said he, ”my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business of the stable is done, I expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers.

To this I suppose you can have no objection.”--”Why as to that, sir,”

replied the fellow, ”I doesn't see much to say against it; but I hope you'll consider it in my wages!”

Coleridge, among his other speculations, started a periodical, in prose and verse, ent.i.tled _The Watchman_, with the motto, ”that all might know the truth, and that the truth might make us free.” He watched in vain! His incurable want of order and punctuality, and his philosophical theories, tired out his readers, and the work was discontinued after the ninth number. Of the unsaleable nature of this publication, he himself relates an amusing ill.u.s.tration. Happening one morning to rise at an earlier hour than usual, he observed his servant girl putting an extravagant quant.i.ty of paper into the grate in order to light the fire, and mildly checked her for her wastefulness: ”La! sir,” replied Nanny; ”it's only _Watchmen_.”

The Marquis of Granby having returned from the army in Germany, travelled with all possible expedition from the English port at which he landed to London, and finding on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, he proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where desiring to be instantly introduced to his majesty, a certain lord came forward, who said he hoped the n.o.ble marquis did not mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so improper a habit, adding, ”'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a _groom_ than a gentleman.”--”Perhaps I may,” replied the marquis, ”and I give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I will _act_ like a groom, and _curry_ you in a way you won't like.”

The Schoolmaster Abroad.--A young woman meeting her former fellow-servant, was asked how she liked her place. ”Very well.”--”Then you have nothing to complain of?”--”Nothing; only master and missis talk such very bad grammar, and don't p.r.o.nounce their H's.”

A Soldier's Wife.--The late d.u.c.h.ess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. ”But, (said the housekeeper) I am afraid that she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters.” ”What is that you say, said the duke, who had just entered the room. A soldier's wife! Pray, madam, _what is your mistress?_ If that is all her fault, I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged.”

SIGNS.

A Scotch Innkeeper, who had determined on adopting the sign of Flodden Well, was much puzzled for a suitable inscription. At length he waited on Sir Walter Scott, and asked his aid, observing, that ”as he had written so much about it in _Marmion_, he might know something that would do for an inscription.” The poet immediately replied, ”Why, man, I think ye cannot do better than take a verse from the poem itself.” The innkeeper expressed his willingness to do this, when Sir Walter said to him, ”Well, then, you have nothing to do, but just to leave out one letter from the line

'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pray;'

and say instead

'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pay!'”

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public-house. ”And what's your sign?” said the dean. ”Oh, the pole and bason; and if your wors.h.i.+p would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers.” The dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign:

”Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here, Where nought excels the _shaving_, but the _beer_.”

SOLDIERS.

Equality in Danger.--The French General, Cherin, was once conducting a detachment through a very difficult defile. He exhorted his soldiers to endure patiently the fatigues of the march. ”It is easy for you to talk,”

said one of the soldiers near him; ”you who are mounted on a fine horse--but we poor devils!”--On hearing these words, Cherin dismounted, and quickly proposed to the discontented soldier to take his place. The latter did so; but scarcely had he mounted, when a shot from the adjoining heights struck and killed him. ”You see,” says Cherin, addressing his troops, ”that the most elevated place is not the least dangerous.” After which he remounted his horse, and continued the march.

Marshal Suwarrow in his march to the attack of Ockzakow, proceeded with such rapidity at the head of his advanced guard, that his men began to murmur at the fatigues they endured. The Marshal, apprized of this circ.u.mstance, after a long day's march, drew his men up in a hollow square, and addressing them, said, ”that his legs had that day discovered some symptoms of mutiny, as they refused to second the impulses of his mind, which urged him forward to the attack of the enemy's fortress.” He then ordered his boots to be taken off, and some of the drummers to advance with their cats, and flog his legs, which ceremony was continued till they bled considerably. He put on his boots again very coolly, expressing a hope that his legs would in future better know how to discharge their duty. The soldiers after that marched on without a murmur, struck at once with the magnanimity of their commander, and the ingenuity of his device to remind them of their duty.