Part 16 (1/2)

Dana thought of moving in to help. That would serve Hugh right. But she couldn't imagine getting up every few hours to feed Lizzie and again to help Ellie Jo.

One solution was to hire a nurse for Ellie Jo, but her grandmother flat-out refused. She insisted that she had only called for help because Dana was there and that she could manage just fine if she was alone. She showed Dana this by returning to bed on her own.

Dana gave up the fight. She was too tired to do anything else.

Now she pulled in beside Hugh's car. He was at the open front door before she could lift the baby from the car. He didn't offer to help, just stood there and watched.

She could have used his brawn, but would be d.a.m.ned if she would say it. His expression was stoically Clarke, his mood unreadable. It was only when she was inside that he finally took the carrier from her arm. Without a word, she returned to the car for the rest of her things.

By the time she was back in the house, he had unbuckled Lizzie and lifted her out. She was crying in short little spurts, and his holding her didn't improve her spirits.

”What's wrong?” he asked Dana.

”She's hungry. I'll feed her.” Dropping her bags at the foot of the stairs, she took the baby and lowered herself to the sofa in the family room.

”You look beat,” he said, mildly accusatory. ”Have you been on your feet all afternoon?”

”No. I rested at Gram's.”

”Not long enough. Ellie Jo may be sidelined, but you have to take care of yourself. Especially nursing. If you get rundown, it won't be good for Lizzie.”

”I know that,” Dana said. She held down the swollen part of her breast so that she could watch the baby nurse.

Hugh settled into a leather chair cattycorner and put his elbows on his knees. His tone was surprisingly accommodating. ”Talk to me, Dana. This silence isn't like you. It isn't who we are.”

She made a discouraged sound. ”Do you know who we are? If you do, clue me in, because I sure as h.e.l.l don't know.”

”I'll rephrase that,” he said. ”This isn't who we were before the baby was born.”

No. It wasn't. The fact of that was so sad that Dana choked up.

”Talk to me,” he repeated.

She swallowed and raised her eyes. ”What would you have me say?”

”That you understand. That you realize that what I did was for the best.”

”I don't,” she said simply and held his gaze. Once, she would have lost herself in it, but not now.

”Come on,” he coaxed. ”Say what you're feeling.”

”It's about trust,” she blurted. ”Trust has always been a big thing for me-trusting that a person would be there, would always be there, like my mother wasn't. I never wanted to lose anyone again. Then you came along, and I thought I could trust that you'd always be there, but I can't. I can't trust that you're in my corner. I can't trust that you'll love me if my father turns out to have mixed blood. I feel dirty. I feel like you cheated on me.”

He frowned. ”Are you talking about the DNA tests, or about today?”

”Today?” She didn't follow.

”My being with Crystal.”

”Crystal? Your client?” It took her a minute to follow, then she was dismayed. ”You mean, did I wonder if she was more than that? Of course not, Hugh. You're my husband. Besides, you're with women all the time. It's part of your job.”

”Some wives would have been uneasy.”

”I wasn't.” Lizzie lost the nipple and frantically turned her head from side to side until Dana guided her back. ”I trust you when it comes to women,” she said without looking up. ”It's the other stuff that's the problem. It's your lack of trusting me.”

”I do trust you.”

”Not enough,” she said with a warning look-and was grateful when he spared her the bit about wanting solid proof for his family. ”See, I keep thinking this is the first test of our marriage, and we've failed. By the way, I'm getting nowhere looking for my father. I've talked with my grandmother and my mother's friends, and I went through some of my mother's things, but I haven't found anything that could even remotely tell me where my father is. My best hope is finding my mother's college roommate. Her first name was Carol, but that's all I know. The college doesn't have a record of who she is, and even if they did, she might not remember anything.”

”Lakey may be able to get the roommate's last name.”

”Fine,” Dana said and reeled off the facts. ”My mother was Elizabeth Joseph; she entered the University of Wisconsin in 1968; she dropped out after her junior year to have me. I don't know the name of her dorm. She was an art history major, but she also took English, Spanish, and math. She was lousy at math. I found some of her tests today. She got C-minuses.”

”I'll give Lakey what you have.”

”I want you to know, Hugh, that if our baby had come out white, I would not be looking for this man. If she'd been born with red curls, would you have said I needed to find him? Of course not. So why am I doing this? Why is it so important to know? Do I really care where my great-great-great-grandfather was from? And if I find my father,” she raced on, ”will I feel differently about myself?”

Hugh didn't answer.

And that annoyed her. He was the one who had wanted to talk. ”So let's talk about this,” she ordered. ”We're all for minorities-civil rights, affirmative action, equality in the workplace-but we only want to be white. Are we hypocrites?”

”We?”

”You. First and foremost, you think of yourself as a Clarke. I think of myself as Dana. Isn't that telling?”

”If your family had the history mine did, you would understand.”

”If yours had the history mine has, you would understand.” She took a deep breath. ”But it isn't just you and your family, or me and mine. It's wondering what our daughter is going to face growing up and whether she and I will be facing it alone.”

”I'll be there.”

”Will you?”

”I've been here, haven't I? You're the one who's been gone.”

She took the baby from her breast, put her to her shoulder, and patted her back. Wearily, she asked, ”How did things go so wrong so fast?”

”They haven't gone so wrong.”

”They have. Look at us, Hugh.”

”It'll pa.s.s. A couple more days and we'll have the lab results.”

Dana wanted to scream. ”That's not the point. I'm talking about trust.”

He sighed. ”Oh, come on. It was only a cheek swab, Dana.”