Part 16 (2/2)

”If you ask me what that something is, I don't know. I believe it to be a sort of life-force, which can and does mingle itself with our own life; and I believe that we are all affected by it, just as every drop of water on the earth is affected by the moon's attraction--though we can measure that effect in an ocean by observing the tides, when we can't measure it in a basin of water. We are not all equally conscious of it, and I don't know why that is. Sometimes I am aware of it myself, and sometimes not. But I have had enough experience of it to feel that something is making signals to me, affecting me, attracting me. And the reason why I am a Christian is because in Christianity and in the teaching of Christ I feel the influence of it in a way that I feel it nowhere else in the same degree. I feel that Christ was closer to what I recognise as G.o.d; knew G.o.d better than anyone that ever lived, and in a different kind of way--from inside, so to speak.

But it's a _life_ that I find in the Gospel, and not a _creed_: and I believe that this is religion, to be somehow in touch with a higher life and a higher sort of beauty.

”But I personally don't want this explained and defined and codified. That seems to me only to hem it in and limit it. The moment I find it reduced to dogma and rule, to definite channels of grace, to particular powers entrusted to particular persons, then I begin to be stifled and, what is worse, bored. I don't feel it to be a logical affair at all--I feel it to be a living force, the qualities of which are virtue, beauty, peace, enthusiasm, happiness; all the things which glow and sparkle in life, and make me long to be different--to be stronger, wiser, more patient, more interested, more serene. I want to share my secret with others, not to keep it to myself. But when I argue with my friend, I don't feel it is my secret but his, and that in his mind the force itself is missing, while a lot of rules and logical propositions and arrangements have taken its place. It is just as though I were in love with a girl, and were taken to task by someone, and informed of a score of conventions which I must observe if I wish to be considered really in love. I know what love means to me, and I know, how I want to make love; and the same sort of thing is happening to lovers all the world over, though they don't all make love in the same way.

You can't codify the rules of love!”

Presently he went on: ”It seems to me like this--like seeing the reflection of the moon. You may see it in the marble basin of a fountain, clear and distinct. You may see it blurred into ripples on a wind-stirred sea. You may see it moulded into liquid curves on a swift stream. The changing shapes of it matter little--you are sure that it is the same thing which is being reflected, however differently it appears. I believe that human nature has a power of reflecting G.o.d, and the different denominations seem to me to reflect Him in different ways, like the fountain and the stream and the sea. But the same thing is there, though the forms seem to vary.

And therefore we must not quarrel with the different attempts to reflect it--or even be vexed if the fountain tells the sea that it is not reflecting the moon at all. Take my advice, my boy,” he added, smiling, ”and never argue about religion--only try to make your own spirit as calm and true as you can!”

XLIII

OF CRITICS

I came in from a stroll one day with Father Payne and Barthrop. Father Payne opened a letter which was lying on the hall table, and saying, ”Hallo, Leonard, look at this. Gladwin is coming down for Sunday--that will be rather fun!”

”I don't know about fun,” said Barthrop; ”at least I doubt if I should find it fun, if I had the responsibility of entertaining him.”

”Yes, it's a great responsibility,” said Father Payne. ”I feel that.

Gladwin is a man who has to be taken as you find him, but who never makes any pretence of taking you as he finds you! But it will amuse me to put him through his paces a bit!”

”Who on earth is Gladwin?” said I, consumed by curiosity.

Father Payne and Barthrop laughed. ”I should like Gladwin to hear that!”

said Barthrop.

”Only it would grieve him still more if Duncan _had_ heard of him,”

said Father Payne; ”there would be a commonness about that!” Then turning to me, he said, ”Gladwin? Well, he's about the most critical man in England, I suppose. He does a little work--a very little: and I think he might have been a great man, if he hadn't become so fearfully dry. He began by despising everyone else, and ended by despising himself--and now it's almost a torture to him to make up his mind. 'There's something base about a _decision_,' he once said to me. But 'despising' isn't the right word. He doesn't despise--that would be coa.r.s.e. He only feels the coa.r.s.eness of things in general. He has got too fine an edge on his mind--everything blunts it!”

”Do you remember Rose's song about him?” said Barthrop.

”Yes, what was it?” said Father Payne.

”The refrain,” said Barthrop, ”was

”'Not too much of whatever is best, That is enough for me!'”

Father Payne laughed. ”Yes, I remember!” he said; ”'Not too much' is a good stroke!”

I happened to be with Father Payne when Gladwin arrived. He was a small, trim, compact man, about forty, unembarra.s.sed and graceful, but with an air of dejection. He had a short pointed beard and moustache, and his hair was growing grey. He had fine thin hands, and he was dressed in old but well-fitting clothes. He had an atmosphere of great distinction about him.

I had expected something incisive and clear-cut about him, but he was conspicuously gentle, and even deprecating in manner. He greeted Father Payne smilingly, and shook hands with me, with a courteous little bow. We strolled a little in the garden. Father Payne did most of the talking, but Gladwin's silence was sympathetic and impressive. He listened to us tolerantly, as a man might listen to the prattle of children.

”What are you doing just now?” said Father Payne after a pause.

”Oh, nothing worth mentioning,” said Gladwin softly. ”I work more slowly than ever, I believe. It can hardly be called work, indeed. In fact, I want to consult you about a few little bits--they can hardly be called anything so definite as 'pieces'--but I am in doubt about their arrangement. The placing of independent pieces is such a difficulty to me, you know! One must secure some sort of a progression!”

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