Part 28 (1/2)

I freeze, briefly contemplating making a break for it. Super immature, I know-but I guess I am. Immature, that is.

I squash the urge to run, and look up at Johnny with a forced smile. ”You're right. How about tonight after wor-?”

”No. Now.”

”But-”

While I'm protesting, he's dragging me away-carefully, so he doesn't hurt me, even though I go limp in defense. He practically carries me out to the parking lot, and to his truck. He opens the pa.s.senger door, deposits me into the seat, and goes around to the driver's side.

We sit there silently. Johnny rests his forearms on the steering wheel and stares straight ahead, jaw tensed. I can't seem to get any words past the giant lump in my throat. I need to tell him- ”I talked to Kara. I know you know,” he says finally, interrupting my thoughts. He turns to face me. ”That thing with Dani...I should have told you, and I'm sorry I didn't. I guess I-I don't know. I knew you'd be that much more p.i.s.sed if you knew we had hooked up before.”

I take a deep breath. ”Why did you do it, Johnny?” I blurt out. ”Really. And don't give me those lame excuses.”

”I've been thinking about that,” he admits to the steering wheel. ”You don't know how many nights I've lain awake, asking myself why was I such a d.i.c.k that night. I knew you didn't cheat on me. Deep down I knew.”

”Then why?” I lift both hands up, then let them drop heavily into my lap. ”Did you secretly want to break up with me? You don't do what you did, and say what you said unless you wanted to hurt me. You subconsciously hate me, maybe?”

”No! No, I could never hate you. I guess...I think it's because I realized something that night.”

He cuts intensely blue eyes to me. ”The game against Crawville. I was just going through the motions, my head wasn't in the game at all. I kept thinking about you, wondering what you were doing, and wis.h.i.+ng I could be with you instead of running in the mud with a bunch of sweaty guys. It hit me then.” He shakes his head, slightly incredulous. ”I would give it all up for you.”

”What, you mean football?” I gape at him. ”Johnny, that's insane!”

”I know.” His broad shoulders hunch angrily. ”You don't think I know that? Why do you think I freaked out? I guess I was looking for a reason to push you away, hurt you. Something's wrong with me when it comes to you.”

I'm shocked speechless. So, what, I'm like a sickness? What the h.e.l.l am I suppose to say to that?! Fortunately, my anxiety causes the hiccups. Because nothing dispels those awkward silences like my baby dinosaur squeaks.

”So what you're saying is that I'm not good for you,” I say between hiccups. Even though I've pretty much said the same thing myself, but it hurts to hear it coming from him.

”We're not good for each other,” Johnny admits.

d.a.m.n it! What girl wants to hear that? I'm supposed to be the magical one that saves the self-destructive bad boy from himself-not the toxic ex! Even my hiccups sound hostile as I glare at him. What a hideously truthful thing to say. I should have drunken s.e.x with his best friend to get back at him!

Wow, just listen to my thoughts. I am toxic.

But still. Whatever happened to not knowing how to give up on us?

He's gone back to staring at the steering wheel, so he fortunately misses my initial reaction. I dig my fingernails into the skin on my knees, and try to summon my best grown up voice.

”You're right,” I say eventually, fighting to keep a smile on my face. Like he's not kicking my heart around with his words. ”I guess it's time we both realize it.”

Johnny nods once, then glances up at me. ”It's all my fault. But I can change. I know what's wrong with me, and I can fix it. I can be the kind of boyfriend you deserve.”

Wait-what?

”Johnny-”

”No.” His expression hardens, and his jaw clenches stubbornly. ”I know one of the reasons you won't take me back is 'cause of the stupid s.h.i.+t I do. How possessive I am. I can work on that.” He lowers his head. ”My mom has this therapist she sees. He's helped her a lot, I guess. He wants to meet with me, too. I can...I want to talk to him.”

Oh, man. I peer into his electric blue eyes and the cautious hope I see in them kills me. My body aches to fall against his, but I just can't. He put the crack in us, and I shattered it beyond repair.

Tears stream uncontrollably down my cheeks. I quickly angle my face away from him. ”We can't get back together,” I say brokenly, forcing the words past the huge lump in my throat.

I can feel him s.h.i.+fting in his seat so he's facing me. He cups my chin, trying to get me to look at him. ”I promise you I can fix this. Just-please, Teeny-give me another chance. Be patient with me. I swear to G.o.d you won't regret it.”

Johnny's pleading with me, but I pull away, shaking and crying and hiccupping. ”No-no, it's too late.”

His warmth, the comfort of his strong arms, is too temptingly close. He closes the distance between us, moving so he's braced over me. ”It's not. We can start over. Look at me, Juliet. I'm willing to see someone about my s.h.i.+t-do you realize how huge that is for me?”

”No, I know, but-hic!-you said it yourself. We're not good for each other.” I try to push him back, get some breathing s.p.a.ce. ”The way how you feel about me...it's not healthy-”

”No, it's not,” he admits, briefly resting his forehead against mine. ”I wanna breathe you. I think about you all day, and you're in my bed with me every night. I know-I know that freaks you out how much I need you, but I can-”

”I slept with somebody! Hic!”

Oh, s.h.i.+t. Did I just blurt that out? I did not mean to tell him like that.

Johnny's entire body seems to freeze against mine. Time, my heart, stops. I've shocked my hiccups away-I can barely breathe. I wish words were like an ugly blouse I could go back to the store and exchange for something that fit better, and was less completely horrible.

I summon the courage to look at him. He seems to have turned to stone, but his eyes are blue fire, the only color in his expressionless face.

”Who?” Johnny asks, and his tone is deadly.

”No one you know,” I manage to say evenly. Tears continue to leak from the corners of my eyes, but I make myself breathe evenly. He doesn't say anything, so I continue. ”It was a big mistake, and I regret it. But it happened after we broke up.”

”How long after?”

I debate whether I should tell him, then figure it doesn't matter at this point. ”Sat.u.r.day,” I reply quietly. I don't have to say, ”after I saw you with Dani.” He acknowledges the implication with a slight shake of his head and a bitter chuckle.

I wait for Johnny to get p.i.s.sed, yell-say something, anything. But he doesn't. He abruptly pulls back, slides over to his seat. He won't look at me, staring straight ahead, out the winds.h.i.+eld. He's utterly rigid, his features set in stone.

There is a painful heaviness in my chest. I am suddenly so tired, and I wish I was anyplace but here, hurting, and being hurt.

”I'm sorry,” I say into the silence. Because I am. I don't say anything else, because there's nothing else to say.

Johnny doesn't even glance my way. ”Just go,” he says after a long pause. ”Please. Get out of my truck.”

I react like he slapped my face, sitting up with wide eyes. ”This isn't-”

”Juliet,” he growls through clenched teeth. ”f.u.c.king leave.”

I bite my lip, afraid. Not of him, but for him. But what can I do? I grasp the door handle, yanking it open. I jump out and slam the door, then I walk away with my head down. Moments later, I hear the truck's engine roar to life, and the squealing of tires as Johnny peels out of the parking lot.