Vol 1 Chapter 10 (1/2)
Chapter 10
Dive
Part One
Su expenses I had no money left for
food, so I decided to try sleeping to conserve energy I would be awake
for five hours, and then I'd sleep for fifteen I tried living on that
schedule
For the first three days, I didn't really have any proble At
worst, my stomach hurt a little bit By the time the fourth day rolled
around, though, I couldn't think of anything but food I want to eat
raardless of my will, my body
seriously wanted calories This craving was iht
Finally, on the fifth day of fasting, I left the apart my
last few hundred yen to buy a pastry and another part-time job
physical work that very day
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Physical day laborI ly easily,
bringing supplies into event halls, helping withand the like
Once in a while, I ot punched by one of the
higher-ups; even so, the as refreshi+ng The rougher I treated my
body, the more and more empty my head became For the first time in
several years, I could go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed
Given all ht and day for the first
ency, I was able to get daily
work Once I'd accus, I
i I decided to work
for about half aholed up for the second
half As long as I could make about one hundred thousand yen a month,
I could actually maintain a rather pleasant life
Whenever possible, I tried to work nights Nighttime traffic control
was the best job To be a security guard, you needed to get registered by
taking a four-day legal training course; once you finished that, however,
no other as easier
In the uide stick back
and forth at construction sites far from human habitation The only
thing I could hear all night long was the echo of construction equipment
operating behind uard, I was
alone Sometimes a car would pass, but all I had to do ave the
guide stick appropriately and caution, ”Look out, slon”
Because I al, I
felt the same as when I holed up in my apartment I just relied on my
conditioned reflexes to wave the guide stick, back and forth, back and
forth The night as a bit chilly, but my pay for this was ten
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thousand yen per night, counting my travel fare
I'd work, and then I'd shutexpenses,
and then shut myself away This lifestyle continued and, with
frightening speed, ti, it turned to
winter
It was the winter of my fifth year as a hikikomori This year felt
thoroughly cold—probably because I had previously sold off my kotatsu
to the secondhand shop Even covered head to toe with a blanket, I still
was freezing, always shi+vering uncontrollably At that point, in place of a
body war the laptop computer, which
Yamazaki had left behind when he moved
”It's an off-brand Pentium 66 MHz notebook computer I didn't
want to have to carry it, so I was going to throw it away But seeing as I
have it, I'll give it to you, Satou,” he'd said
He'd left with those words
I set the laptop on my stomach and turned on the power A noisy
whirring indicated that it was operating, and an anime wallpaper
appeared on the liquid crystal screen Being an older machine, it
generated an aan to
grow sleepy
Just then, I recognized a familiar icon displayed on the computers
desktop
It looked like the executable file for the erotic game that Yamazaki
had beenthe cursor on the file, I clicked to open it
The hard disk started groaning After a long loading period, the game
began
I played it for several hours And then, I understoodI understood
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that this was a terrible, terrible game
The genre was an RPG, but it was an extremely cheap RPG, with
about one hundredth of the first Dragon Quest35 game's content
It wasn't an erotic gaer, and the story was utterly
ridiculous—basically, the concept was so the lines of ”a
journey about love and youth taken by soldiers fighting against a giant,
evil organization” The ga man
who becoht evil and protect the heroine This wishfulfillment
scenario eventually bypassed the player, continuing
lessly on and on and on
I was dumbfounded
Come on, what idiot could have come up with such a stupid scenario?
It was inal outline
for the story
I grew sad It was a bittersweet sadness, because I thoroughly
understood the scenario of the gaainst evil
This had been our exact desire; we had wanted to fight an evil
organization; we had wanted to fight villains If a war had broken out,
ould have joined the JSDF36 right away and launched kamikaze
attacks That definitely would have been a ful way to live and an
attractive way to die Had there been villains in the world, ould
have battled theht There
was no mistake about it
There weren't any villains, though The world was just complicated
in various ways, and there weren't any obvious villains to be found It
was excruciating
Our personal desires had becoame As I
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progressed farther into it, I realized that it actually had a wonderful
story It was a siht now, in fact, the main
character, fighting an enormously powerful enemy, vowed to protect the
heroine
”I'll protect your life!” Heedless of his own safety, he prepared to
challenge the gigantic ene the
end of the game
There were three battle commands: ”attack,” ”defend,” and ”special
attack” No matter how much I attacked the last boss, I couldn't do any
da to defend myself didn't help, either
Finally, I had no choice but to use the special attack—the final death
blow Using y, I sacrificed myself in order to deal a
mortal wound to the enemy There was no other way to defeat the final
boss So, the hero of the gaht
hand and went to perform his special attack
However, at the very, very end—at the exact second the hero
executed his special attack on the final boss—the game suddenly froze!
The gameclosed, and the text editor started up Yamazaki
apparently had left a letter that seemed like an excuse
”There really isn't any other way to destroy the huge, evil
organization than to use your special attack You can gain victory only if
you choose death for yourself because the giant, evil organization
actually is made up of our entire world Because the second you choose
death, the world disappears into nothingness, the evil organization, too,
disappears into nothingness Then, peace will come to you Still, I didn't
blow my own head off with a bomb That was my choice No, it
definitely isn't that I just didn't want to go through the pain of drawing
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the CG for the ga a
terrible ga like that”
At first, I tried to sed my mind I had
watched Yaame, but the final
shoddiness of it hit me pretty hard
What in the world could he be doing right now? This question suddenly
began to bother et it I hadn't heard any
news fro him, either
Those idiotic days froo
Christhts twinkled
The guide stick grasped in ht hand, too, lit up in the darkness
Tonight's as traffic control in the parking lot of a new
department store that had opened near the station Because the
entrances were equipped with fully automated ticket machines, I had
absolutely nothing to do When it got crowded, I tried helping out the
my stick back and
forth
There were no accidents, nothing happened, and Christmas Eve
marched on in safety
About an hour before the store closed, a car came by The car itself
was the sort of japanesespecial to
note about it However, because the interior lights were on, I recognized
the girl sitting in the passenger seat I saw her clearly
Startled, I tried to push my cap down over my eyes as much as
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possible The car passed me without hesitation, so there hadn't been any
recognition But I felt thatin the
passenger seat, had looked my way, just for a second
Of course, that, too, was just a delusion
My shi+ft ended, and I changed out of uide
stick and hel back and forth on one of the last
trains of the night, I headed toward my apartment On the way, I
stopped by a convenience store to buy alcohol and the like
I decided I should try getting into the Christ up
the steep road that led to my apartment, I drank a beer I hadn't had
alcohol in a while, so it took effect quickly Somewhat shakily, I slowly
hiked up the long, sloping path In the distance, an ambulance's siren
pierced the otherwise quiet night I finished my second beer
Merry Christmas
By the tiait had been reduced to a
drunken stu drastically,
but I figured I ht as well just walk like a drunk I increased my pace
and wobbled from telephone pole to telephone pole I tripped over a
stone and alered and was about to collapse in the middle
of the road when, right in front of me, an ambulance rushed past
I had almost been run over!
I thought perhaps I should complain in a loud, drunken voice, ”You
id—”
I stopped in mid-sentence
The ambulance had pulled up in front of Misaki's house Her uncle
dashed out of the front door He yelled to one of the paramedics as they
ran into the house, carrying a stretcher A short while later, they carried
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the stretcher back through the front door Misaki was limp
I watched as Misaki, her aunt, and her uncle sped away in the
ambulance at a breakneck speed
Part Two
It was almost New Year's Eve One afternoon, I loitered in front of the
large hospital at the edge of town This here Misaki had been
admitted
Earlier that a café near the
station and had gotten the information from her exhausted uncle
”Anyway, I'ized to me for no reason
”We thought she was doing better She'd been much calmer since
quitting school and had seemed really happy recently I wonder if maybe
that was because of what she'd planned By the way, how do you know
Misaki?”
”We're sort of acquaintances,” I answered I retreated from the
ht for the hospital, but
I had been hanging out in the courtyard for nearly two hours
A back and
forth on the path froate to the front entrance
Misaki was in a private, fourth-floor room on the open psychiatric
ward Apparently, she'd sed a bunch of sleeping pills It was
nearly a fatal dose; had they arrived ht have been too
late
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It was uncertain where Misaki had obtained the sleeping pills, but
they hborhood psychiatrist But to have
ah pills for an effective suicide attempt, she must have been
going there for quite for a while That meant that this attempt clearly
had been intentional Misaki had planned her death for a long time
What in the world did I intend to do, showing up unannounced? I
couldn'tbetter for her
Should I cry saying so like, ”Don't die!”?
Should I try yelling so like, ”You still have tomorrow!”?
Misaki had written numerous, similar clichés in her secret notebook
But they hadn't helped her, so she'd tried to overdose on sleeping pills
In short, there was nothing I could do for her It ht even be
better formy face She probably would feel even
e a hospital visit from a pathetic hikikomori
When I thought about the situation that way, I'd decide to go home;
but at the hospital gate, my feet would stop on their own Once more, I
turned back toward the front entrance and repeated the entire cycle
My thoughts were looping around If this kept up, it looked like I
would just keep walking to and fro until nightfall I couldn't make up my
mind
Finally, screwing up e, I dashed into the hospital before I
could change e at the front desk,
pinned it to my chest, and headed up to the fourth floor
The entire fourth floor was an open psychiatric ward At first
glance, it seeht that a
psychiatric ould be full of straitjackets, electroshock equipment,
and lobotomy laboratories However, this open as clean and
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cheerful; it seemed like an ordinary part of the hospital
Or so I thought When I noticed that an older woman of around
sixty, apparently a patient, had squatted down in the corner of the
hallway, I quickly headed for room 401
In the far corner of the fourth-floor hall, a nameplate identified
Misaki's room: ”Misaki Nakahara,” it said
There was no mistake This was the room
I knocked softly
There was no answer
I tried knocking again, a little harder; there was still no answer
However, h it
in with
”Misaki?” I peeked into the room
She wasn't there
Well, if she's not here, there's nothing I can do I'll go home!
I decided to leave behind the fruit basket I had bought in the
hospital gift shop And I noticed someone had left a train schedule open
on the shelf next to the bed The schedule was annotated here and there
in red ballpoint pen Moving it aside, I put down the fruit basket
As I did, a scrap of paper fluttered to the floor I picked it up and
read it: ”Mikka Tororo was delicious Therefore, farewell, everyone”
Shoving the scrap of paper and the schedule into my coat pocket, I
dashed out of the hospital and headed toward the station
The sun had begun to set
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They should have put her on a closed ith iron bars over the
s, not an open one where she could coo freely They
should have put her in a straitjacket and pumped her full of medicine to
make her happy But because they hadn't, Misaki had left the hospital
She was heading back to the tohere she'd been born She was likely
going there to die
I reo:
”Tsuburaya, the runner, apparently went home to the countryside
right before he died Then, he ate grated yam with his mother and
father, it says”
”Hm”
”I guess everyone wants to return to their hometown before they die,
after all”
That was probably true Misaki, too,to
return to her hometown She likely intended to dive into the sea from
the tall, sheer cliffs at the cape, where she'd said she often played It
wasn't going to be that easy, though Now that I had found her suicide
note and the train schedule, her luck had run out
As far as I could tell fro at the notes marked on the
schedule, Misaki had boarded the train only an hour or so before If I
chased after her, I should be able to make it in plenty of time I knew
where she was headed, and on top of that, I had money If I used taxis for
part of the trip, I ht even reach the destination before Misaki There
wasn't any reason for me to worry
On the night train, I opened a
the way I looked for that cape—the one where Misaki said she often
played when she'd been little Here it is The map showed only one cape
near her hometown, so this had to be it
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Misaki probably had boarded the train that had departed right
beforehome for the year's end, she
likely was heading for the tohere she'd been born, toward the cape
known as a famous suicide spot However, she didn't know that I was
following her
I wouldn't let her escape I was certain to catch up with her On that
point, at least, I wasn't worried The problem lay elsewhere
When I found Misaki, what should I say to her?
I understood her suffering, if only a little bit It was just the very tip
of her pain; even so, I could iree She probably felt
trapped, as though she'd run out of options And her pain would never,
ever disappear, not in her entire life
Of course, that was natural In a way, her pain was common to all
Everyone is troubled by similar
feelings I, too, was troubled by them
Even if I keep living, there's nothing to he done It's only pain
Knowing that, could I stop her froht
to stop her? As a
appropriate like, ”Even so, keep living!” or ”Stop whining!”
I understood all that
While I was s, the train arrived at it's
destination
Exiting the station, I found that the toas deserted It was
already the iven the time, the area around
the station was as silent as a ghost town There was no sign of anyone on
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the streets
On top of that, it was snowing and really cold As the toas
located on the Sea of japan, it was in so of a blizzard zone I
fastened shut the neck of my coat and headed toward the sole taxi in
sight The driver seemed surprised by a customer's arrival The man,
poised at the threshold of old age, looked like he'd been sleeping in his
seat Hurriedly, he wiped his eyes
Getting into the warm car, I pointed at the map to show him my
destination The driver looked at me for confirmation, with an
expression that said, ”Are you serious?”
I nodded, and the car took off, causing the chains on the tires to
clank
”Sir, ould you want to go to a place like that so late at night?”
”Sightseeing Please hurry”
About half an hour later, the taxi exited onto a hilly road that ran
along the ocean shore It headed straight up a steep hill On the right,
the pitch-black sea spread out When we reached the top of the hill, the
taxi stopped
”This place actually has become quite a famous tourist spot, but
there isn't anything here” The taxi driver spoke as though in apology
I paid the fare and got out of the taxi
”You don't really plan toNo, the construction is complete, so it
should be fine” With that, the taxi driver pulled back onto the road
I looked around There really wasn't anything here Or more
accurately, it was so dark that I could barely see
As the ocean was on ht I would find the cliff if
I headed in that direction, but only sparsely scattered streetlamps lit the
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area I felt terribly helpless For the ti, I crossed the road and,
cliuardrails, I set off on a snowcovered
path
Misaki had to be at the other end of this path Stepping through the
snohich ca care not to slip and fall, I
continued down the path cut through the thick brush With each step,
the surrounding darkness grew deeper and deeper
Before long, the light froer reached me,
and I could hardly see anything at all Then, the brush thinned abruptly
The path ended, and in front of my eyes stretched the coal-black sky and
the Sea of japan That's right I had e of the cape
It was too dark for me to see well, but the cliff was about thirty feet
ahead I finally had arrived I had reached my destination!
But what about Misaki?
I looked around, but I couldn't see e full moon floated
in the night sky, but my eyes weren't used to the dark yet, so I couldn't
ue outlines There seen of
anyone anywhere That was all I could tell
What did this mean? Had I arrived first? Or had Misaki stopped
so the way? Or could it be that
My heart began pulsing violently, and my blood curdled
No, no, it couldn't be There was no way that she could have jumped
before I even arrived, right? She'd be here shortly Soon, Misaki would
co down that path
I stepped back and sat on a bench that faced the ocean With my face
turned expectantly toward the little path, I waited for Misaki
An hour passed Misaki didn't coh she
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wouldn't come down the path at all I put my head in my hands