Part 36 (1/2)

ALL MOUTH AND NO HANDS' CLa.s.s.

”I hold if the Almighty had ever made a set of men that should do all the eating, and none of the work, He would have made them with mouths only and no hands, and if He had ever made another cla.s.s that He had intended should do all the work and none of the eating, He would have made them without mouths and with all hands.”--(A. Lincoln.)

HOT AND COLD THE SAME BREATH.

Underlaying the innate frankness, there was a deep shrewdness in President Lincoln, which fitted him to cope with the most expert politicians, albeit their vanity would not let them always or promptly acknowledge it. When Chief Justice Taney died, the President had already planned to fill up the vacancy and at the same time shelve that thorn in his side, Salmon P. Chase. But always keeping his own counsel, he was mute on that head, when an important deputation attended to recommend Chase. After hearing the address, the President asked for the engrossed memorial to be left with him.

”I want it, in order, if I appoint Mr. Chase, I may show the friends of the other persons for whom the office is solicited, by how powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to disregard in appointing him.”

This was heard with great satisfaction, and the committee were about to depart, thinking their man sure of the mark, when they perceived that the chief had not finished all he had to say.

”And,” he continued, ”I want the paper, also, in order that, if I should appoint any other person, I may show _his_ friends how powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to disregard in appointing _him_.”

The committee departed mystified.

WANTED THE JAIL EARNINGS.

A Western senator bothered the President about a client of his for back pay of a dubious nature. Lincoln responded with one of his evasive answers--that is, ”a little story”:

”Years ago, when imprisonment for debt was legal, a poor fellow was sent to jail by his creditor, and compelled to serve out his debt at the rate of a dollar and a half a day.

”When the sentence had expired, he informed the jailer of the fact and asked to be released. The jailer insisted on keeping him four days longer. Upon making up his statement, however, he found that the man was right. The prisoner then demanded not only a receipt in full for his debt, but also payment for four days' extra service, amounting to six dollars, which he declared the county owed him. Now,” concluded Lincoln, ”I think that county would be about as likely to pay this man's claim as this government will be to pay your friend's claim for back pay.”--(Told before Colonel Noteware, of Colorado, a Western senator, and a congressman.)

A t.i.tLE NO HINDRANCE.

A German n.o.ble and military officer wished to serve as volunteer under our colors. After being welcome, he thought it expedient to unfold his family roll, so to say, but the ultra-democratic ruler gently interpolated as if he saw an apology in the recital, and soothingly observed:

”Oh, never mind that! You will find _that_ no hindrance to your advance. You will be treated as fairly in spite of that!”

A TALKER WITH NOTHING TO SAY.

A reverend gentleman of prominence, M. F., of ----, was presented to the President, who resignedly had a chair placed for him, and with patient awaiting said:

”My dear sir, I am now ready to hear what you have to say.”