Part 21 (1/2)
”'If you want to find a mewl in a lot, you must turn him into the one next to it.'”
Only the rebel ”fly-by-nights” were more like the Irishman's flea--”when you put your hand on him, he was not there!”
”MATCHING” STORIES.
The President looking in at the telegraph-room in the White House, happened to find Major Eckert in. He saw he was counting greenbacks.
So he said jokingly:
”I believe you never come to business now but to handle money!”
The officer pleaded that it was a mere coincidence, and instanced a story in point:
”A certain tailor in Mansfield, Ohio, was very stylish in dress and airy in manner. Pa.s.sing a storekeeper's door one day, the latter puffed himself up and emitted a long blow, expressive of the inflation to oozing-point of the conceited tailor, who indignantly turned and said: 'I will teach you to blow when I am pa.s.sing!' to which the storekeeper replied: 'And I'll teach you not to pa.s.s when I am blowing!'”
”Very good!” returned the hearer. ”That is very like a story _I_ heard of a man driving about the country in an open buggy, caught at night by a pouring rain. Pa.s.sing a farmhouse, a man, apparently struggling with the effects of whisky, thrust his head out of a window, and shouted loudly:
”'h.e.l.lo!'
”The traveler stopped for all of his hurry for shelter and asked what was wanted.
”'Nothing of you!' was the blunt reply.
”'Well, what in the infernals are you shouting 'h.e.l.lo' for when people are pa.s.sing?' angrily asked the traveler.
”'Well, what in the infernals are you pa.s.sing for when people are shouting h.e.l.lo?'”
The rival story-tellers parted ”at evens.”
THE ONLY DISCREDIT.
A backhanded compliment of the acutest nature is credited to Lincoln as a lawyer and gentleman. A Major Hill accused him of maligning Mrs.
Hill, upon which Lincoln denied the accusation and apologized with ”whitewash” which blacked the bystander:
”I entertain the highest regard for Mrs. Hill, and the only thing I know to her discredit is that she is Major Hill's wife!”
NO RE-LIE-ANCE OF THEM!
Mrs. Secretary Welles, more susceptible about press attacks on her idol--and everybody in Was.h.i.+ngton officialdom's idol--the President, called attention to fresh quips and innuendoes.
”Pshaw! let pa.s.s; the papers are not always reliable. That is to say, Mrs. Welles,” interposed the object of the missiles, ”they lie, and then they _re-lie_!”