Part 39 (1/2)
I didn't hear the doorbell.” His mom said nothing and somberly shuffl ed away in her slippers.
”Sorry,” he said as he took my coat and hung it on the end of the banister. ”My mom's moods alternate between comatose and overly perky these days.”
”That was the perky one, right?” I asked. He smiled a small smile, the kind he made that fi rst day we hung out at the elementary school.
-1- ”I hope it's okay if we watch in my room. Mom and Dad com- 0- mandeered the big screen. I have a s.h.i.+tty setup, but it works.”
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”Sure.” I shrugged. ”The DVD looks like c.r.a.p anyway, so it will be extra crispy.”
”Crispy?” he asked as we walked up the stairs.
”And Dutch.”
His bedroom window had been replaced, and his room was rela- tively neat compared to the last time I was up there. As I popped the DVD into his player, Leo lay down on his bed. There was a desk chair, and I considered sitting in it but thought that would be uncool.
He was already on the bed, and it off ered the best view of the TV. I lay down next to him, careful not to touch. He didn't make any move to get closer. We started the movie, and my back, rigid with tension, eventually softened as the grotesque cast of characters began their journey to their Great Aunt's house to fi nd out which greedy soul inherited the fortune. Leo and I laughed at the dub and tried to fi gure out what the Dutch words for ”eat” and ”bludgeon” were. At some point, maybe halfway through, Leo's arm connected with mine. A laugh moved it there, but he didn't move it away after the laugh stopped. I inhaled involuntarily and hoped he didn't notice. I had on a short- sleeved s.h.i.+rt, he had on long sleeves. Maybe he couldn't even tell we were touching.
As the movie ended, we weakly applauded. ”How did you ever manage to live without experiencing the plea sure of Rabid Gran- nies?” I asked.
He answered with a kiss. It was a fi rm kiss, and he held my cheek with one large hand. I needed that kiss. Every part of me needed it.
Not just my body, which screamed at me to touch him ever since I landed on his bed again, but my mind, my heart, my soul. I needed him to show me he forgave me wholly for leaving him, so that I could --1 show Leo how I truly felt for him.
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For minutes, it was kissing, hands everywhere, clothes still on. It was me who wriggled my hand underneath Leo's s.h.i.+rt.
”Wait.” He stopped me. ”I don't want to have s.e.x.”
I had said it to him before, more than once, but hearing it said to me made me feel unwanted.
”Why not?” I asked, peeved. I didn't know if I was mentally ready to go at it again with Leo, but I was afraid to hear why he didn't want to do it with me.
I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest as though my body was somehow exposed through my black t-s.h.i.+rt.
”Don't get mad,” he told me. ”I'm just not ready to go there again yet. We've barely talked in months, and I can't pretend we're starting where we left off . I mean, s.h.i.+t, you dumped my a.s.s where we left off .”
”I was hoping you forgot about that,” I said. ”Maybe if we had s.e.x you would?” I smiled at him through a cheesy grin.
”Momentarily, I'm sure I would. But, and stop me if you don't feel this way at all, I'm kind of wanting something more than s.e.x and gore with you.”
I hid ”s.e.x and gore” away in my brain as a kicka.s.s name for a movie. ”No,” I said coyly, or as coy as I could muster. ”I don't just want that either. I think I did want that, originally, but things have changed.”
I waited for Leo to tell me he was just kidding, that he wanted to make me feel just as s.h.i.+tty as I made him feel. But Leo wasn't like that. He was honest. Open. More so than I could ever be. But I was trying.
”So what's changed?” Leo asked.
-1- ”Do I have to answer that?” I cringed.
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”Yes. I deserve some emoting here, and besides, you're adorable when you're all squirmy.”
”f.u.c.k you. I'm not adorable.” I whacked him in the chest.
”You are until you open your mouth,” he decided. ”Fess up.”
I exhaled a deep sigh. ”Fine. But you owe me, like, a foot mas- sage or something for this.”