Part 37 (1/2)
I just need to stop speaking.”
-1- ”You already did that, remember?” Leo looked smug.
0- ”What are you doing here, Leo? I have no idea what to say to
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you. I'm not going to apologize anymore because I did that and apologies are really just bulls.h.i.+t to make the apologizer feel better.
And I don't deserve to feel better. I should feel like absolute total s.h.i.+t.
I deserve someone to take out my tendons and parade me around like a marionette.”
”Diarrhea mouth, can you plug it for a second?”
The thought of having plugged diarrhea in my mouth shut me up.
”I'm not looking for another apology-” Leo started, but I cut him off .
”I don't know what to give you. I have nothing to say that will make anything better. Nothing is going to bring Jason back, and it's totally my fault.” Wait. What?
”Alex, how could Jason's death be your fault?” Leo unhooked his arm from the chair and put his hand on the table near mine, but not touching.
”I don't think I meant that. I mean, of course I didn't.” I picked at a jagged fi ngernail.
”Do you think your dad's death was your fault?”
”No,” I argued. ”But I just don't get it. Any of it. I don't want any more real horror in my life. There's nothing funny about actual death and disease. If only my dad could come back because of a rabid monkey at the zoo.” I laughed to myself at the ridiculous horror movie sentiment.
”Or as a reanimated prost.i.tute,” Leo added.
”Maybe we should have buried them in pet cemeteries,” I suggested.
”That never ends well,” Leo admitted. I had never joked about my dad's death with someone, not someone who had a death of their --1 own to joke about.
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”Do you believe things happen for a reason?” Leo brought the conversation back to serious.
”No,” I answered emphatically.
”Me neither,” he concurred. ”I can't buy the idea that we're sup- posed to live and learn from horrible things. That somehow these things happen so we can grow as people.”
”I hope nothing else happens to you,” I told him, ”because you have done enough growing.” I held my hand over my head acknowl- edging his exceptional height.
”Maybe that's why s.h.i.+t does keep happening to you. Because you need to grow. Shorty.”
”That was quite possibly the lamest insult anyone has ever bestowed upon me.”
”Forgive me. I'm out of practice. Being away from everyone except your depressed parents will do that to you.”
”That sucks,” I said. ”You should come back to school. Better of two evils? I'm there.” I prodded.
”So that would make school the bigger of two evils.” Leo smiled, and one of his fi ngers stroked one of mine. My toes wiggled.
”Alex! A little help here!” I hadn't noticed that the snowy eaters had arrived, and a line was backing up.
”I guess I have to go work.” I rolled my eyes.
”That is what they pay you for.” Leo stood as I did.
”I thought it was for my bubbly personality and smaller- than- average b.u.t.t.”
”Imagine the tips if you had an even average- sized b.u.t.t.”
”You're lucky I still feel guilty, or I might have to hit you.” I -1- started walking behind the counter.
0- Leo grabbed my arm. ”No more guilt, okay?”
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