Part 21 (1/2)

He traces the curve of Emme's neck down to her hands. I remember that day because the sun was. .h.i.tting the practice suite and illuminated one side of her, while the other was cast in a dark shadow.

Mr. Samuels grabbed another sketch I did in Central Park at night, right before a thunderstorm.

MR. SAMUELS: And the mood of this piece is especially foreboding and mature for someone your age.

My spirits start to lift. But I steady myself because I'm waiting for the ”but” I know is coming. I've also noticed that he put my paintings and color sketches off to one side.

He looks up from the paintings and smiles at me.

But ...

MR. SAMUELS: Tell me, Carter, how long have you been working with paint?

And here it comes.

ME: I've really only been working with acrylics for the last six months or so.

He nods.

MR. SAMUELS: I can see that you don't have much control over the brush yet. That's something that comes with time, so you might want to start off by taking some introductory painting cla.s.ses. But my real concern is your lack of ident.i.ty.

Tell me about it.

He lays out four of my paintings.

MR. SAMUELS: We've got two abstract paintings, realism, and pointillism. Different styles by the same artist. While I'm seeing a lot of versatility - and don't get me wrong, that can be a good thing - there's no consistency. Something that tells me I'm looking at something by you. I don't really see you in these pieces. What kind of statement do you want to make with your art? What is it that you are trying to tell us?

I guess that has been the real question all along.

MR. SAMUELS: While you can learn about proper brush technique and color theory, you can't be schooled in what makes you want to create. Some artists spend their entire lives searching for their ident.i.ty, so don't let this discourage you. Because there is talent in here, true talent. And that, Mr. Harrison, can't be taught at even the best schools.

I feel myself exhale. Mr. Samuels continues to give me advice and I automatically write down notes, but one thought goes through my mind: I am, once and for all, on the right track.

I've been staring at different blue paints for so long, they all look the same. After my meeting with Mr. Samuels, I felt inspired. It wasn't that I didn't have enough to work on, but that I had some promise. That's all I was looking for. A chance that I could possibly get into art school.

I look over the acrylic section at my favorite art supply store. I want to get right to work on painting more.

A familiar voice calls out my name. I turn around and see the last person I thought I'd see here.

ME: Sophie?

She approaches me and looks tired. I haven't seen her since our breakup and everything that went down between her and Emme.

SOPHIE: Hey, I guess I'd ask you what you're doing here, but ...

She gestures at my basket full of acrylic paint and brushes.

SOPHIE: I'm just picking up some supplies for a costume I'm making for an audition.

She holds up a bag with sequined stars.

SOPHIE: It's for an off-Broadway show. I've pretty much given up on CPA stuff. I can't wait for graduation.

I nod at her. I guess after all this time, we still have something in common.

ME: Well, good luck. I guess ...

My mind races for something more to say to her, someone who was a huge part of my life, but I come up with nothing.

SOPHIE: Yeah, thanks ...

She turns around and hesitates. For a moment, I'm unsure if she's going to run for the exit or do an impromptu concert like she did at one of the store openings we went to when we first dated. She turns back on her heels and faces me.

SOPHIE: I just need to know ... How could you throw it all away?

ME: Sophie, things weren't working out with us.

SOPHIE: I'm not talking about us.

ME: Well, things weren't working out between me and CPA either.

She shakes her head.

SOPHIE: Not that, your career. You had everything. Most people would kill to be in your position. The money, the fame ... And you turn your back on it. I don't understand. Do you not have any clue how incredibly lucky you were?

I take a moment to process everything she's said. I guess from the outside, my life seems storybook to some (at least those who think hitting your peak at ten is enviable). But Sophie should know better - she's seen the hours I've had to work, how invasive the press can be. And, yes, I've been lucky. Incredibly lucky. But that and some hard work were all that I had. Not talent. Not pa.s.sion.

And suddenly it dawns on me. Sophie has had success at CPA even though she doesn't think she has. She's been part of every production. Granted, most of the time it was as a background player, but she still got in. But she was never happy unless she was a star. I think of Emme happily strumming in the background.

ME: Sophie, did I ever tell you about the background artist I became friends with on the Kids set?

She stares at me blankly.

ME: He was this really great guy named Bill. He came in every day, sat with the other extras, and never complained. Extras hardly get paid, they don't get any glamour, not to mention lines. They work long hours for no glory. But Bill always had a smile on his face.

I can tell Sophie is getting bored. But I don't care; I think this could help her.

ME: So one day, I went up to him because I wanted to know his story. I found out that he works at a grocery store to help pay the bills, but he'd always loved movies as a kid. So his dream was to spend time on a movie set. He didn't look at the work as being beneath him; he was happy just to be there.

SOPHIE: So what, he turned out to be some famous actor? Or are you saying that I need to think that being stuck in a chorus isn't beneath me?

ME: I'm just saying that if all you want out of a career is money and fame, you're never going to be happy. Not once did you ever show any interest in the ins and outs of my job - you were only interested in the spotlight. You're only happy if you're getting attention, but you aren't going to start at the top. Very few make it, and I'm proof that it doesn't last long. But if you're going to spend your whole life chasing fame, you're going to be a very unhappy person. With everything I've been through, I've learned this one thing: Fame and money aren't worth it if you have nothing else in your life.

I turn my back on her and head for the register. Maybe it's easy for me to tell others that money doesn't matter. I have plenty of it, but I know that no matter what my financial situation was, I'd paint. Even if I was living in a dirty studio apartment and eating instant soup, I'd paint.

Because that's what makes me happy. And I deserve to be happy. Everybody does, even Sophie. But it's up to each of us to find our own way.

I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I spend my mornings studying language arts, social studies, and science. The afternoon, I tackle math. But at night, I paint.

I think all the studying has freed up my painting, and the meeting with Mr. Samuels has given me the confidence to know that I'm moving in the right direction. I'm no longer fixed on getting everything ”right” or being precise. I guess spending all day staring at textbooks has, in a weird way, made me looser.