Part 20 (1/2)

A few hours later, for the first time since before Christmas break, I went to school looking almost like myself. ”Almost” not just because my hair was still straight, but because my features looked more foreign to me now than they ever did with layers and layers of dark makeup. Hours of crying had left my whole face flat and immobile, like it had been infused with Botox. My skin was puffy and even too blotchy for concealer, not that I had any in my now sorely limited makeup kit. And while my eyes were usually my best feature, today they were barely visible pinp.r.i.c.ks, wrung free of all moisture and life.

I was also exhausted.

”I feel like I ran a marathon on my face,” I told Claudia as I drove to school. Mom had returned my phone as I left, ”for emergencies,” but any rational human being could see the current state of my life was itself an emergency. At least I wouldn't be on the phone for long. My face had so little elasticity that it hurt to enunciate.

Once I was inside the building, I found a corner, sat against a wall, and waited for the bell to ring. I had my English exam this morning, and I was ready, but at the moment my mind was completely empty. I had no idea how long I sat before a booming singing voice caught my attention.

”When I was younger, just a bad little kid

My mama noticed fUnny things I did...”

I recognized the song: ”Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors. Tom was playing the character in Chrysella's version, and he was the one singing. Ember, Sue, Doug, and Archer were fanned out behind him, all grinning as they sang backup. I guessed the rest of their group wasn't around because they didn't have a morning exam today.

I should have kept my head down, but I didn't. I looked up-and straight into the eyes of Archer. He did an actual double take at the sight of me. I knew I should smile so he could see everything was fine, but I didn't have the energy. I just stared blankly.

Archer broke from the group and knelt beside me. ”Cara? What happened?”

”Archer, come on!” Ember called.

”Yes, Seymour, please! ” Sue called in her Audrey voice, heaving out her chest for effect.

”You go ahead; I'll catch up,” he told them.

Archer's friends scowled, but Tom had a song to finish, and they were soon on their way.

Archer was plopped on the floor in front of me, even though it put him in the middle of traffic. ”Cara...” he said again, and bent to catch my eyes as I tried to look away.

”Cara, I'm serious. Is this ... was it Nate? Did something happen with Nate?”

His voice was strained, and I had the sudden and horrible realization that he was thinking date rape, which only proved that I was now able to mess up without even opening my mouth.

”No. Archer, honestly, no.” And since I didn't want to leave him with any doubt on this one, I told him everything, despite the fact that he'd now realize I was so evil and selfish that I had in effect set off a thermonuclear device in the middle of my family.

He stared at me when I was done. I waited for him to walk away in disgust.

”So wait,” Archer said, ”Karl's disowning you because you made a mistake?”

”Because I lied to him and went behind his back, so he can't trust me anymore,” I muttered, wondering if this was what it felt like for people who rehashed their sins every week at confession. It felt c.r.a.ppy.

”Yeah, I get that. But disowning you?”

”Was.h.i.+ng his hands of me,” I said, ”because I'm a stranger to him now.”

”And your mom says you need to be really good to win him back?”

I nodded. ”It worked before. It's just hard because he won't even look at me. I think he's staying with my mom, though, so that's good. I just have to make sure I don't do anything to set him off, or he could leave and we'd lose the house, and then...” I thought of Mom breaking down in front of me the night before and shuddered.

Archer leaned in closer. ”Cara, listen to me. Your parents are crazy. Your mom's been with Karl for, what, twelve years?”

I nodded.

”So he's your dad. He doesn't get to stop being your dad because he's mad at you. And the whole thing about you having to save their marriage and keep the family together? That's not your responsibility. That stuff is supposed to be a given. I can't even imagine my parents saying the kinds of things yours did.”

”But your dad has always been your dad. He doesn't need you to convince him he's appreciated. Besides, you're the poster child for Good Kid. Your parents would never get this mad at you.”

”Granted. But what about Lila?”

”Lila, your sister in college who's your mom's best friend?”

”Lila, who before college spent four years in and out of house arrest. Ask me how many times she was disowned.”

”A lot?”

”No, Cara. Never..”

”Okay, but unless Ed and Bina want to adopt me, that doesn't really help.”

”I believe my mom would love to adopt you, so let's not discount that as an option.”

I almost mentioned that it would be a particularly viable option since we'd already established incest wouldn't be an issue, but why ruin a good conversation?

”I'm just saying,” Archer continued, ”I don't think Harriet and Karl are being fair. At all. You messed up. You lied and you snuck around, and your parents have a right to be really, really mad and give out consequences, but they're punis.h.i.+ng you for something you didn't do. You didn't make Karl feel so insecure that he thinks he has to disown you and threaten to leave your mom. You didn't make your mom so scared of being alone that she'd do anything to avoid it. They did that. So they have to undo it, not you.”

I looked at Archer and was suddenly both incredibly grateful for and incredibly angry at Claudia and the Ladder.

My grat.i.tude was simple: Without the Ladder, I might never have had the guts to get close to Archer. And without the Ladder as a crutch, there was no way I'd have ever been able to be friends with him again after That Night-which would have been a horrible waste, since it was so clear that outside of Claudia, I had never had a friend as good as Archer Jain.

My anger came from the realization that I was more tragically in love with Archer than ever, and in about four hours I'd no longer have any other boyfriend distracting me from that pain.

My numb features clearly weren't broadcasting any of this, because Archer looked at me worriedly.

”Cara?” he asked. ”Is everything okay? I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be harsh. They're your parents. I just-”

I threw my arms around him, wrapping him in a huge hug that toppled us both onto the floor as the bell rang.

”Well, this is much more exciting than giving a final,” Mr. Woodward said. ”If only I could grade you on your floorshow rather than the exam. I'd so love to see what happens next.”

Archer and I both blushed, but I took a second to give him a quick peck on the cheek and whisper ”thank you” in his ear before I rolled off, sprang to my feet, and raced to the exam room, beating both Archer and Mr. Woodward inside.

What Archer had said changed everything. He was right. I was responsible for what I'd done. I'd own up to it and accept the consequences. I was not responsible for other people's irrational reactions to what I'd done, even if those people were my parents. I would not keep eviscerating myself to try to make them feel better.

I'd concentrate on my own issues now. First and foremost: breaking up with Nate. This time I wouldn't let anything get in my way. Right after the English exam, I found him at his rock, planted myself in front of him, and said, ”We need to talk.”

Nate glanced up from his guitar to look me up and down. ”What are you wearing?” he asked. ”And what's up with your face?”

”This is what I look like,” I said. ”This is how I dress. I think it's kind of obvious ... we're not right for each other. I don't think we should be together anymore.”