Part 4 (1/2)
The U.N. refused to give Saddam Hussein a more exact time for its weapons inspections visit this week.
In addition, the U.N. encouraged Saddam o avail himself of the toll-free automated weapons inspection hotline that the world body has set up especially for him and other evil despots.
A caller to the toll-free number reaches a recorded voice indicating the following prompts: ”Press 1 if you are hiding chemical weapons; press 2 if you are hiding biological weapons; press 3 if you are hoping to acquire fissionable nuclear material in the next six to twelve months.”
INCREASINGLY, ALIENS ARE CREATING HALF-a.s.sED CROP CIRCLES.
Farmers Bemoan Lazy s.p.a.ce Creatures' Shoddy Workmans.h.i.+p In M. Night Shyamalan's. .h.i.t movie Signs, Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his s.h.i.+ngled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.
But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design-making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place.
”Some might call what I've got in my cornfield back there a crop circle,” says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. ”I call it a big old mess.”
Aliens landed in Mr. Fortenson's cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a ”really neat” crop circle, Mr. Fortenson said.
But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed-leaving Mr. Fortenson's cornfield severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle.
”It looks like a guy just got drunk and went nuts with a John Deere out there,” Mr. Fortenson said. ”If that's a crop circle, then I'm Liza Minnelli.”
Farmers have been voicing annoyance at what they claim is ”increasingly shoddy workmans.h.i.+p” in alien crop circles.
Half-a.s.sed crop circles are increasingly becoming a serious nuisance in rural America, says Dr. Phyllis DeVore, who studies half-a.s.sed alien phenomena at the University of Minnesota.
”Just because they're intelligent, that doesn't mean aliens are intrinsically hardworking or conscientious,” Dr. DeVore says. ”It's just as likely that they're capable of doing a half-a.s.sed. slipshod job.”
Dr. DeVore said that many half-a.s.sed phenomena in the world today might actually have been the work of lazy aliens, including the Legally Blonde sequel and Justin Timberlake's entire recording career.
PAPER THAT ENRON STOCK IS PRINTED ON IS WORTHLESS, TOO, PAPER EXPERTS SAY.
Stock Certificates Dissolve, Spontaneously Combust on Contact, Tests Show For weeks, Enron shareholders have been hearing that their stock isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Now comes word that the paper it's printed on is worthless, too.
Those are the findings of Dr. Franklin Glaser of the National Paper-Testing Inst.i.tute in Bethesda, Maryland, who says that Enron stock certificates are printed on paper that is ”far below acceptable standards for negotiable securities” and that has ”no value” for such other purposes as gift-wrap or place mats.
”People stuck with Enron stock in their 401k accounts may have comforted themselves with the thought that they could use it to make festive paper hats,” Dr. Glaser said. ”Unfortunately, if they try to fold an Enron stock certificate, it will dissolve into dust.”
The paper that Enron stock certificates are printed on is of a significantly lower quality than other stock certificates, paper experts say.
Not only are Enron stock certificates worthless, they may actually be dangerous, Dr. Glaser said.
”In lab tests, our team found that Enron stock certificates, on occasion, spontaneously combust or explode when touched,” Dr. Glaser said. ”This makes them highly unsuitable for most uses in the home or office.”
It is extremely unusual, Dr. Glaser said, for stock certificates to be printed on paper stock that dissolves, burns up, or explodes when handled, but his team has a theory to explain the phenomenon.
The paper experts believe that Enron stock was mistakenly printed on a special self-destructing paper stock intended for Enron spreadsheets, accounting statements and transcripts of meetings with Vice President Richard Cheney.
BUSH WINS n.o.bEL WAR PRIZE.
Saddam Miffed at Oslo Snub The Norwegian n.o.bel Committee honored President George W. Bush today by bestowing upon him the first-ever n.o.bel War Prize.
In Oslo, n.o.bel Committee Chairman Gunnar Berge said that Mr. Bush was chosen for the award because ”above all, in his words and deeds, President Bush has stood for the resolution of conflicts between nations and peoples through the use of ma.s.sive and overwhelming force.”
At the White House, President Bush said that he was surprised to have received the n.o.bel War Prize and that he was ”deeply honored and touched.”
President Bush told reporters that he was ”gratified and humbled” by the news that he had won the coveted n.o.bel War Prize.
He added that it would have been impossible to win the award without the help of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, whom the President thanked for ”his tireless efforts to do absolutely nothing to hinder me.”
But even as the Oslo committee announced the first-ever prize, there was a firestorm of controversy in international circles, with some critics charging that President Bush was insufficiently bellicose to win the n.o.bel War Prize.
In particular, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein expressed the view that he and not the President should have walked off with the coveted Norwegian accolade.
”I've been busting my hump to win the n.o.bel War Prize for the better part of twenty years, and he just scoops it up at the last minute?” a visibly miffed Saddam said to reporters in Baghdad. ”Excuse me, but the whole thing reeks of politics.”
For his part, President Bush brushed off Saddam's comments as ”sour grapes,” and said he would use the $1 million award to break ground on the Bush Center for Preemptive Armed Conflict in Houston, Texas.
CIA USING AMERICAN CEOS TO INFILTRATE AL-QAEDA.
Agency Expects Terror Group to Collapse Within Weeks Former Vivendi Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier (pictured) may have played a pivotal role in the CIA's plan to drive al-Qaeda into bankruptcy.
The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune 500 companies to infiltrate al-Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group to collapse within weeks.
”We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match,” a CIA spokesman said.