Part 3 (1/2)
The knocking continued.
”Oh,” Lauren said, and answered the door.
It was Fred, carrying a McDonald's sack.
”What time is it?” Lauren said, blinking at him.
”Seven o'clock. 1 brought you an Egg Mcm.u.f.fin and some orange juice.”
”Oh, you wonderful person!” she said. She grabbed the sack and took it over to the coffee table. ”You don't know what he did.” She reached into the sack and pulled out the sandwich.
”He transformed the food in my refrigerator into Evian water.”
He was looking curiously at her. ”Didn't you go to bed last night? He didn't come back, did he?”
”No. I waited for him, and I guess I fell asleep.” She took a huge bite of the sandwich.
Fred sat down beside her. ”What's that?” He pointed to a pile of dollar bills on the coffee table.
”I don't know,” Lauren said.
Fred picked up the bills. Under them was a handful of change and a piece of pink paper. ”
'Returned three boxes Christmas cards for refund,'” Lauren said, reading it. ”'$38.18.'”
”That's what's here,” Fred said, counting the money. ”He didn't turn your Christmas cards into a Douglas fir after all. He took them back and got a refund.””Then that means the tree isn't in the kitchen!” she said, jumping up and running to look.
”No, it doesn't.”
She came back and sat down on the couch.
”But at least you got your money back,” Fred said. And it fits in with what I learned on the Net last night. They think he's a friendly spirit, probably some sort of manifestation of the seasonal spirit. Apparently these are fairly common, variations of Santa Claus being the most familiar, but there are other ones, too. All benign. They think he's probably telling the truth about wanting to give you your heart's desire.”
”Do they know how to get rid of him?” she asked, and took a bite.
”No. Apparently no one's ever wanted to exorcise one.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. ”I got a list of exorcism books to try, though, and this one guy, Clarence, said the most important thing in an exorcism is to know exactly what kind of spirit it is.”
”How do we do that?” Lauren asked with her mouth full.
”By their actions,” Clarence said. ”He said appearance doesn't mean anything because seasonal spirits are frequently in disguise. He said we need to write down everything the spirit's said and done, so I want you to tell me exactly what he did.” He took a pen and a notebook out of his jacket pocket. ”Everything from the first time you saw him.”
”Just a minute.” She finished the last bite of sandwich and took a drink of the orange juice.
”Okay. He knocked on the door, and when I answered it, he told me he was here to give me a Christmas present, and I told him I wasn't interested, and I shut the door and started into the bedroom to hang up my dress and-my dress!” she gasped and went tearing into the bedroom.
”What's the matter?” Fred said, following her.
She flung the closet door open and began pus.h.i.+ng clothes madly along the bar. ”If he's transformed this-” She stopped pus.h.i.+ng hangers. ”I'll kill him,” she said and lifted out a brownish collection of feathers and dried leaves. ”Benign??” she said. ”Do you call that benign??”
Fred gingerly touched a brown feather. ”What was it?”
”A dress,” she said. ”My beautiful black, off-the-shoulder, drop-dead dress.”
”Really?” he said doubtfully. He lifted up some of the brownish leaves. ”I think it still is a dress,” he said. ”Sort of.”
She crumpled the leaves and feathers against her and sank down on the bed. ”All I wanted was to go to the office party!”
”Don't you have anything else you can wear to the office party? What about that pretty red thing you wore last year?”
She shook her head emphatically. ”Scott didn't even notice it!”
”And that's your heart's desire?” Fred said after a moment. ”To have Scott Buckley notice you at the office party?”
”Yes, and he would have, too! It had sequins on it, and it fit perfectly!” She held out what might have been a sleeve. Greenish-brown lumps dangled from brownish strips of bamboo.
”And now he's ruined it!”
She flung the dress on the floor and stood up. ”I don't care what this Clarence person says.
He is not benign! And he is not trying to get me what I want for Christmas. He is trying to ruin my life!”
She saw the expression on Fred's face and stopped. ”I'm sorry,” she said. ”None of this is your fault. You've been trying to help me.”
”And I've been doing about as well as your spirit,” he said. ”Look, there has to be some way to get rid of him. Or at least get the dress back. Clarence said he knew some transformation spells. I'll go on to work and see what I can find out.”
He went out into the living room and over to the door. ”Maybe you can go back to the store and see if they have another dress like it.” He opened the door.”Okay.” Lauren nodded. ”I'm sorry I yelled at you. And you have been a lot of help.”
”Right,” he said glumly, and went out.
”Where'd you get that dress?” Jimmy Stewart said to Donna Reed.
Lauren whirled around. The TV was on. Donna Reed was showing Jimmy Stewart her new dress.
”Where are you?” Lauren demanded, looking at the couch. ”I want you to change that dress back right now!”
”Don't you like it?” the spirit said from the bedroom. ”It's completely biodegradable.”
She stomped into the bedroom. He was putting the dress on the hanger and making little ”tsk”-ing noises. ”You have to be careful with natural fibers,” he said reprovingly.
”Change it back the way it was. This instant.”
”It was handmade by the Yanomamo Indians,” he said, smoothing down what might be the skirt. ”Do you realize that their natural habitat is being destroyed at the rate of 750 acres a day?”
”I don't care. I want my dress back.”
He carried the dress on its hanger over to the chest. ”It's so interesting. Donna Reed knew right away she was in love with Jimmy Stewart, but he was so busy thinking about college and his new suitcase, he didn't even know she existed.” He hung up the dress. ”He practically had to be hit over the head.”
”I'll hit you over the head if you don't change that dress back this instant, Spirit,” she said, looking around for something hard.
”Call me Chris,” he said. ”Did you know sequins are made from nonrenewable resources?”