Part 20 (1/2)
Athena rolled onto her back so she could study his face. ”I'm so very sorry, Will. Life is too often cruel.”
She was trying to think what else she might say when he blurted out, ”I should have known she wasn't strong enough! The evidence was there, but I didn't see it. I was a d.a.m.ned fool. I wanted to believe that we were too young and happy for tragedy to strike.”
Athena took his hand, gripping it tightly. ”Such optimism is part of being young. It's not a sin.”
”If I had been more aware, she needn't have died,” he said flatly.
Taking a guess, Athena asked, ”Is Lily why you feel you need redemption?”
After a long silence, he said, ”She was my responsibility, and I failed her.”
The dark side of being a leader was bearing the guilt of everything that went wrong. Choosing her words with care, Athena said, ”From what you say, Lily knew her health was weak and that she wouldn't make old bones. I suspect that she decided to seize life with both hands while she could. She wanted to love and be loved. She wanted pa.s.sion, and she found those things with you. When she was fading at the end, was she angry? Did she blame you?”
”No,” he said slowly. ”But I thought she must be concealing anger so as not to hurt me.” His voice broke. ”The last words she said were that she loved me.”
”Oh, Will.” Athena raised his hand and pressed it to her cheek. ”That you loved each other was a great blessing, even if the two of you didn't have enough time together.”
Will exhaled roughly. ”You're wise, little owl. Perhaps you're right. All I've seen for years is the loss and my failure to care for her properly.”
”Haven't you helped a great many others over the years? For example, risking your life pulling drowning nuns and children out of a river? Didn't all your rogues in need of redemption pitch in to help?”
”Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that I failed Lily.”
”That's debatable. Even if it were true, we all make mistakes, and decent people punish themselves for things outside their control,” she said gently. ”But you've done much to balance the scales. Lily on one side, many other generous deeds on the other. Surely, those scales are even by now.”
Will frowned. ”I'll have to think about that. In the meantime, it's my turn to ask awkward and possibly painful questions. Tell me of your love life. Did you have one great, lost love?”
Reluctantly, she said, ”An intense mad calf love that wasn't fully intimate, and later one great, mad misjudgment. The calf love died when I realized that the object of my infatuation wouldn't dream of marrying Lady Wh.o.r.e's Daughter, though he was quite keen on doing anything short of actually ruining me.” She thought she'd discovered true love everlasting. Instead, she'd learned about betrayal.
Will whistled softly. ”More and more I understand your low opinion of so-called gentlemen. What about the mad misjudgment?”
She hated having to reveal her stupidity, but she had to admit that Will's program of probing questions had given them a remarkable degree of emotional intimacy in a very short period of time. She'd never been able to talk to a man like this.
”It wasn't long after the calf love devastation. I decided I would be like Delilah and take lovers and enjoy wild, pa.s.sionate affairs, then move on, heart whole.” She sighed. ”I liked the pa.s.sion part, you see.”
”Being pa.s.sionate is one of your many admirable traits,” Will said firmly. ”But I gather that didn't work out well?”
”I found out I could not lie with a man without coming to care too much, and that way devastation lay,” she explained, unable to keep bitterness from her voice. ”That's when I realized I must resign myself to virtuous spinsterhood.”
Will frowned. ”Your lover wouldn't marry you?”
”He was married already. I was trying to be like Delilah. The affair made me realize I could never, ever be like her. I didn't even want to be like her.” She caught Will's gaze. ”We have come together as two adults, experienced and with our eyes open. That does not mean you must marry me, even if you think honor demands it.”
”Honor bed.a.m.ned, I want to marry you!” he said with exasperation. ”But now it's time to sleep. Tomorrow will be another long, tiring day.” He drew her into his arms and tucked the blankets around them, then brushed a kiss on her forehead.
”You aren't going to give up, are you?” She rested her head on his shoulder, enjoying the relaxed intimacy of his embrace, the feel of his arm around her.
”No, but for the next few days, other concerns will come first.” He hesitated, then went on, ”You're as stubborn as I am, so changing your mind might never happen. But if I'm killed, please, please, go to my brother even if you don't need help. Tell him about my time in San Gabriel. He'll want to know.”
”I promise I will,” she whispered. She owed Will that much and more.
So much more.
Chapter 29.
He was losing her.
Will woke up with his heart pounding, his brain a jumble of loss and panic, of fading Lily and vanis.h.i.+ng Athena. His heart slowed down when he saw that Athena still lay sleeping in his arms. He studied her peaceful face and wondered if Justin had been right in his guess of who her father might be. She'd said ”the dreadful duke,” and there weren't very many dukes. Not that it mattered to him, but it surely mattered to her.
She woke and gave him a sweetly sultry smile before her gaze went to the window. Dawn.
”I have to go!” She started to swing from the bed. ”I can't risk being caught in immoral behavior that might reflect badly on Sofia.”
”Just a moment more. Please.” His arms locked around her. ”I thought we'd wake earlier and have a little more time. I wanted to make love to you again.” But could he have borne that if he'd known it might be the last time?
”That would have been a splendid way to greet the day,” she said softly, her face against his throat, her embrace as tight as his. ”But given how very long yesterday was, and how busy we were for much of the night, it's not surprising that we didn't wake early.” She pulled away, smiling with a warmth and lack of reserve he'd never seen before. ”I did sleep very, very well, though.”
”I also slept well. You're good for me.” He cupped her cheek, aching with regret for all they might have had. ”We might not have another chance to be together. I'll spend the day organizing the militia, scouting out the ambush area, and planning how to best use my black powder. I might not make it back to the castle tonight. Tomorrow night we'll be settling into our ambush positions and waiting for the French.”
She bit her lip. ”I'll be equally busy helping to evacuate as many people as possible to safer places, as well as making sure they all have the supplies needed to hold out until the troops return.”
”It's going to be a busy day, but surely we can fit a short little wedding ceremony in after breakfast?” His tone was light, but he was in dead earnest.
She kissed him and slipped away. ”Our schedules are far too busy, my dear Major Masterson.” She scooped her robe up from the floor and pulled it on quickly. As she tied the sash, she whispered, ”Keep yourself safe, Will! The world needs you.” Then her graceful figure silently slipped from the room and was gone.
He lay back, staring up at the ceiling, his hands clenched at his sides. He might never see Athena again, and the thought ripped his heart from his chest.
Then he rose, washed and shaved, and donned his uniform. He had a war to fight. And then, by G.o.d, he'd come back and change her mind about marriage.
Breakfast with the Olivieras was somber but not panic-stricken. At least this time, they had warning of the French invasion. Justin was at the far end of the table, bandaged but looking reasonably well. He gave Will a thumbs-up and a smile. Athena wasn't present, and neither was Sofia. He wondered if they'd already eaten and set off on their tasks, or if Athena was trying to avoid him.
His new captains, Tom Murphy and Gilberto Oliviera, were sitting at one end of the long table, with an empty chair between them, and they beckoned for Will to join them. Like him, they were dressed in their well worn uniforms.
”Where do we begin planning, Generalissimo?” Tom asked, grinning.
”For calling me that, Gilberto will be senior captain and my second in command,” Will said as he took his seat.
”See, Murphy? The generalissimo recognizes superior skill,” Gilberto said teasingly as he pa.s.sed a plate of savory sausages to Will, followed by another platter of baked eggs with potatoes and peppers.
”It's just because you're a Gabrileno,” Tom retorted. A large coffeepot was set in the middle of the table, so he filled Will's mug, then topped up his and Gilberto's.
Will took a grateful swallow of coffee. ”You're right, Gilberto is second in command because he's Gabrileno and knows more about his country than you or I ever will. He is also not p.r.o.ne to lower his dignity by running donkey races.”
”An Irish specialty,” Tom explained to Gilberto. ”And great fun.”