Part 30 (1/2)
”I-I-I d-didn't want to go t-to the b-bonfire, b-b-but J-J-Jane and David sssaid it would hhhelp. I-I-I wanted to be d-d-different in hhhhigh ssschool. And with M-M-MM-MMMegan...I jjjjust...I n-needed to ssssee if I was n-normal, and I c-c-clearly wasn't.” I felt foolish and defective. ”It was a m-m-mmmistake.” I tried to grasp her entire hand, and not just her finger. ”I'm sssssorry.”
”I'm not mad that you had s.e.x with her. That's...I mean, I wish you'd picked someone less vapid, but...I mean, you're free to...I just wish you'd do that with me.”
I knew that was what she wanted, and I tried to fight back the dread that she wouldn't want me if she knew how defective I was. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and I didn't want her to think that it was because of her. If I could take back what happened with Megan, I would have gladly done so because the only thing I got out of it was feeling like I was even more flawed than I had originally thought.
”I c-c-can't. It's not...”
”You can't?” she asked, an eyebrow raised. ”That's not what Megan Simons says.”
If possible, my chest seized even tighter. ”Sh-sh-sssshe t-t-t-tells p-p-people ab-b-bout it?”
”Oh yeah,” Sophie confirmed, looking directly into my eyes, ”and she sounds quite proud of herself for nailing you.” I had hoped she was finished talking about Megan Simons, because I hated even the memory of it all, but she kept on. ”Yeah, apparently you're incredibly skilled at going down on girls and can screw for hours. Not that I would have any idea about that.”
My breathing was heavy. ”W-w-w-w-wh-wh-wha...?”
”Why does talking about s.e.x make you so uncomfortable?”
I closed my eyes, hoping that it would help me form words that I could actually say. ”W-w-why is ssss.e.x ssssuch a c-c-comfortable topic for you?”
But just like I hadn't answered her question, she didn't answer mine. ”Don't change the subject.”
”W-w-what's the subject?”
”The Great Simons/Dalton Bang, Elliott.”
I was genuinely confused. ”W-w-why would she b-be p-p-proud of that?”
”Seriously?”
I nodded, taken aback. ”Elliott, you're hot.”
It felt like my eyes were too big and my face was too hot. ”N-n-no, I'm n-not.”
She smiled and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. ”Why would I say it if it wasn't true? You're cute when you blush. You spend too much time staring at the ground and not enough gazing in the mirror. If you'd look up at school once in a while, you'd see all the girls checking out your a.s.s all day.”
I couldn't help it, my eyes bugged out. ”Th-th-th...y-y-you're m-making that up.”
She smiled even more, and it was obvious that she was enjoying this. ”Am not. You're fine and the fact that you don't know it makes me flat-out sad. Now that you've stopped taking s.h.i.+t from little p.r.i.c.ks like Anderson, you could own that school.”
”N-n-not with m-m-my st-stutter.”
Sophie's smile faltered a bit as she rolled her eyes. ”Give that s.h.i.+t a rest, okay? No one besides you and d.i.c.ks like Anderson give a s.h.i.+t about your stutter. Now that you messed that kid up, he won't do that stuff anymore.” She sighed. ”If only your confidence was as hot as your looks, maybe you'd be able to see that most people don't define you by your stutter. It's only one small part of you.”
I worked on digesting everything she'd just said, and after a moment all I came up with to ask was, ”Y-y-you think I'm hhhhot?”
She smiled again and rolled her eyes dramatically. ”You want me to say it again?” I nodded and she sighed exaggeratedly. ”You're so f.u.c.king hot, Elliott. I thought so the very first time I saw you.”
I was beaming. I'd thought she was beautiful the second I looked up after knocking into her that first day, and it was almost too much to process that she liked me then too.
Sophie laughed as she squeezed my hand. ”Don't let that go to your head.”
”You're hhhot t-too.”
”I know.” She pressed against me. Had we been sitting, I knew she would have been straddling me again. It seemed that I was her favorite chair. ”I'm hot for you too, so drop your puritanical ideals and let's be hot together.”
What she said bothered me, even though I was happy to have her so close again. ”I'm n-n-not p-p-puritanical.”
We were still for a moment and then Sophie took both of my hands and guided me over to my bed, sitting down and tugging me until we were both lying down, me on top of her. Once again, my breathing sped up and I thought my chest would break open with the force of my heart.
She put her hands in my hair, and instead of just soothing, she brought my head down until I was kissing her again.
Her legs moved beneath me and suddenly my hips were nestled between her thighs. The sensation was too much; her heat was too much. I propelled myself up and off of her, stumbling backward from the bed, trying to regain control over myself.
Sophie got into a sitting position, her knees together as she looked at me with sober, innocent eyes. They spoke of her curiosity. ”Elliott?”
All I could do was shake my head as I struggled for breath. Fear and panic gripped me.
”Is this because your father was a Jesus-freak? Because I swear Jesus loves s.e.x.”
Although I recognized her attempt at humor, the weight in my chest was much too heavy to laugh or smile.
She studied me. The way she looked at my face and then down to my hands put me even more on edge. ”Why did you need to see if you were 'normal'?”
I literally gulped and once again fought back the urge to double over in an attempt to gain enough oxygen to fuel my brain and body. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to know there had been so much self-doubt then, even more than now. I didn't want to tell her that I had used Megan that night for a couple of reasons, but mainly because I was confused.
I didn't know anything about my own s.e.xuality at the time, and found it difficult then, as well as now, for me to explore. At the time I hadn't known if I was gay, straight, as.e.xual, or something in-between.
If I told her, there would be more questions, like why I thought I might've been anything but heteros.e.xual, and why I hadn't known if I could physically do it. Although I didn't think I'd given Megan one, I knew I'd never actually had an o.r.g.a.s.m myself. My body had shut down and I had done everything I could to keep that fact from her without hyperventilating myself into a panic attack.
I had quite a lot of awful memories, but that night is within my top ten, based on the fact that I felt completely alone and sinful. I felt undeserving and had forced myself to step out of my comfort zone only to find out that there was no benefit to doing so at all. I hadn't enjoyed Megan Simons, and none of my questions had been answered.
The more I thought about what I had let myself do, the more freaked out I got. There was no way for me to actually tell someone what was wrong, so in addition to the normal sedation techniques, Stephen and Robin had no other choice but to admit me into the hospital.
That night had caused my life to become uncontrollable, and it sickened me to even think about it now.
”I c-c-c-c-c-c-c...” I wanted to explain why I couldn't have s.e.x with her, why I couldn't even talk about having s.e.x with her, but the words wouldn't form. I was sweating.
”Elliott, stop,” she said, holding my hands again. ”I'm sorry. Don't...don't worry about it. You don't have to tell me anything else.”
It was a while before my mind and mouth cooperated. ”I w-w-w-want you. I d-do, b-b-but I c-c-c-can't jjjjust jjjump into that ag-gain, o-ookay?”
She sighed deeply, but then tugged on my hands. ”Come on, drive me home.”
I furrowed my brow. ”N-no.”
She smiled. ”I'm not mad. If you can't do something, I won't pressure you. We'll go slow,” she said as she s.h.i.+fted her gaze away from me, ”or whatever.” She looked back to me as she finished. ”But I do need to go. You can pick me up after work again tomorrow, okay?”
Dinner was less-than-satisfying, and I knew that I wasn't the only one who thought so. David was pus.h.i.+ng around the overcooked food on his plate as if that would make it taste better.
Sophie's cooking was much better.