Part 14 (2/2)

”It's my room, Elliott,” I said, cutting him off a bit more sharply than I'd intended. I always shut and locked my door and I would continue doing so whether or not I had Elliott in there. I contemplated shoving my computer chair under the k.n.o.b like usual, but figured my guest might think it was strange.

He sat down in the rocking chair like last time, and I sat down on my bed. There was too much physical distance between us and I wondered if he'd panic if I asked him to sit on the bed with me. If he did panic, I could run my hands through his hair and breathe in his amazing scent.

I subtly pressed my thighs together. It had been too long since I'd had s.e.x to start thinking about what Elliott would look like with s.e.x hair. The smell of soil and oranges had to be an aphrodisiac.

”Hhhhhow w-was w-work?”

I smiled at him and ran my hands through my hair, wis.h.i.+ng they were his. ”It was good.”

”D-do you lllliiiike it?”

”Yeah, it's all right.” Although I didn't really want to talk about working at the grocery store, I also didn't know what else to talk about. I mimicked something Brody had said today. ”I put s.h.i.+t on shelves.”

I felt tense as I warred within myself. I enjoyed Elliott far more than was safe. I wanted to put my hands all over him and feel him, but I also wanted to do all of the things I had never allowed myself to do before, like kiss him.

Yes. I wanted to kiss him. Not just kiss him because he was s.e.xy as h.e.l.l and I wanted to do a laundry list of things to him, but because he was sweet and smelled good, and was quite possibly the only person in the world worth spending time with.

It wasn't that I'd never kissed anyone before, because I'd kissed too many people too many times, but it all led to s.e.x and I hadn't actually ever wanted to just kiss someone. I wanted Elliott like that too, but there was a part of me that wanted to know him in the most innocent of ways. I'd kissed him before, but I wanted to do it for the right reasons this time. I wanted to kiss him to know what the inside of his mouth felt like and whether the chemical exchange between us was heightened when it was our tongues touching and not just our hands.

Innocent things scared me. What was it like to kiss someone delicately and then go eat dinner? What was it like to hold someone's hand for hours while watching a lame movie? What was it like to feel the tingling, nervous sensation in my gut and not turn it into a sweeping, tingling sensation lower in my body? What was it like to just simply like a boy?

I wanted to kiss him again. His lips were so beautiful. They felt nice. I knew they were capable of unleas.h.i.+ng amazing things within me. I wanted our lips pressed together as I closed my eyes and got swept away. I wanted to feel what all of those books and movies and television shows had sold me when I was a kid.

Kissing could be enough, right? Wallace said that small intimate moments like a hug or a kiss could be even better than s.e.x. I didn't know if I believed her, but I was willing to do some scientific research to figure it all out.

Kissing Jason or Ian, or whoever, was different. With them it was a lead-up to doing it, to feeling good, to having some kind of physical release to mask my mental chaos.

But with Elliott, my physical need for him was overshadowed by my emotional need for him.

I wasn't sure how much I liked that.

I feared it.

I knew it was stupid for me to like him as much as I did. It broke almost all of the carefully constructed rules I had placed upon myself a long time ago. It undermined my entire mission in life, which was to just slide through the cracks unnoticed. He knew s.h.i.+t he shouldn't know about me, and I was the idiot who had handed it to him.

But I couldn't deny the way my entire being ached for him.

I needed him in ways that I probably shouldn't have.

I was overcome by the desire to suck his lower lip into my mouth and test its fles.h.i.+ness. ”Can I kiss you?” I asked before I was even aware I opened my mouth. ”Please?”

His breath caught for a moment before he looked at the door. Was he scared of me? Should I not have asked? Was he scared of Tom?

”He's not going to come in,” I a.s.sured him. Tom never came into my room. ”I just want to kiss you,” I admitted quietly. ”It's...” I paused and said the next word a little too breathily, ”innocent.”

I sat perched on the edge of my bed, just waiting for him to give me some kind of answer. If it was a yes, I'd fly to him, but if he said no, I didn't know what I would do. It would be uncharted territory, since I'd never asked a guy if I could kiss him before and who knew what I'd do if this guy said no.

Then I wondered if he was panicking right now and just disguising it really well, so I stood up and walked over to him. His breathing increased. When I was near enough, I gave in and threaded my fingers through his hair, closing my eyes as the silky perfection tickled my palms.

”You have to answer, Elliott,” I whispered. ”Otherwise I'm going to a.s.sume that the answer is yes.” He nodded. ”Is that yes I can kiss you, or yes you'll answer?” I was pus.h.i.+ng him and I knew it, but he relied on head nods and shakes far too much, and I enjoyed his voice, regardless of his stutter.

”Y-yesssssssssssssss,” he dragged out the word, his voice shaking.

He said I could kiss him, but he was sitting and I was standing, and any way it went down, it would be awkward.

So I took awkward and ran with it.

I sat down on his lap, my body angled away from his, my hand never leaving his hair. He was freaking out. I could tell by his rapid breathing. I felt a crazy amount of tension in myself as well. I'd kissed him before. Three times in fact, although that first time shouldn't count.

I leaned in and breathed deeply, savoring him before I would taste him again. I brushed my lips lightly against his at first, and I couldn't help the involuntary s.h.i.+ver. Our lips moved together and eventually my bottom lip was between his. Opening my mouth a little wider, I slipped my tongue out and traced the bottom of his top lip until he took in a deep gasp of air.

The kiss clouded my mind, making it hum with intensity.

The hum swiftly transformed into a pulsating drum and the beat of it spurred me to want more of him.

I s.h.i.+fted until I was basically straddling him. He smelled so good and tasted like an orange cupcake. Then both of my hands were running through his hair and I pressed myself closer to him as if his body could just open up and swallow me whole.

I needed his warmth.

He grew hard beneath me and the thought played in my head that he was probably a quiet lay and Tom would never know. I could be a silent rider. I would be careful with him. I wouldn't make him scream or shout. Moan, maybe, but I'd be good and keep his mouth busy.

His whole body went stiff as his grip on my hips tightened. It felt wonderful. His hands were strong, and that made me want him all the more.

Before we went any further, he stopped and pulled away, moving his neck until his lips were no longer accessible.

”What?” I asked in between pants of breath.

”W-w-w-w-we sssssshould sssstop, SSSSSSSSSoph-ph-phie.”

No, I was pretty sure we should continue and progress. ”Why?” Couldn't he see that I wanted him? Couldn't he feel that I needed him?

”B-b-bec-c-cause yyyyyyyour f-f-f-f-faaa...”

I immediately rubbed his scalp with the tips of my fingers as he closed his eyes and I sighed, my brain finally working. I was still very aware that his hard-on was pressing up against the places that I wanted it to, but I forced myself not to rock on top of him. He was upset and I had been the one to make him that way.

”Tom's downstairs.” s.h.i.+t. That wasn't what I wanted to say. I didn't want to make him feel like I was pus.h.i.+ng him on this, but I really wanted to do him and my mouth was speaking automatically. Control was not something I did well. ”He won't know.”

”B-b-b-but I-I-I c-c-can't.”

I tried to lean back into him and kiss him again, even though the logical side of me told me that it wasn't going to happen. ”But I want you,” I whined when he stopped me again. ”And I know you want me too.”

”I-I d-d-do, S-S-SSSSophie.” He sounded out of breath and I knew that I needed to get off of him so he could be comfortable, but the pouty little girl in me wanted to stomp my feet and hold my breath until I turned blue and he gave in to me.

I thought about Megan. He could bang her, but could barely kiss me.

I moved off of him quickly, ready to be done with the entire confusing thing. ”Are you staying for dinner?”

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