Part 4 (1/2)

She picked up the envelopes sitting next to my keyboard. ”Julliard. Yale. Princeton. Stanford. Maryland. Georgetown. Colorado. Harvard?” Sophie turned to look at me. ”What are all these?”

My body tensed as my heart beat faster. ”C-college applications.”

”They look all set to go. We pa.s.s right by the post office on the way home. Do you want to take them tonight?”

I shook my head. ”N-no.”

Sophie studied me for a moment. ”Why not?”

I was sure my face showed my panic, and I shook my head again.

”Does college make you nervous?”

I nodded in response.

Sighing, she set the envelopes down and shrugged. ”Maybe I'll apply where you do and we'll just go to the same school.”

That would be wonderful. I wondered if she knew how helpful that would be to me. ”A-a-are you p-p-planning to go?”

”To college?” I nodded. ”I don't have applications all filled out, sealed, and ready to go a year early like you, but maybe.”

I was sort of shocked. Most people our age already had solid plans, or at least had schools in mind. My applications were completed because I'd been thinking about getting in early instead of completing my senior year of high school. ”You d-don't know?” She shook her head. ”I-it's not ex-expected?”

”Tom hasn't mentioned it, and Helen never cared about, well, anything to do with me really, but school especially. No, I take that back. She cared enough to convince the teachers that she was a decent mom, but when I turned eighteen she would have been rid of me either way, so she didn't care about choosing a school or applications and all that.”

”D-do you w-want to go?”

She shrugged. ”Maybe.”

I was confused. How could she not know if she wanted to go to college or not? ”B-but you're ssssso sssmart. W-why w-wouldn't you?”

Her eyes darkened a bit. ”Why do you have finished applications just sitting around in your room?”

I knew her question was asked out of defensiveness, and I didn't answer.

”There's no real point for me to go, Elliott.”

”W-why not?”

She sighed. ”I'll most likely be dead or something.” The smile she gave me wasn't real.

Fear struck me when I fully realized she wasn't joking. Graduation wasn't that far off; did she really think that she'd be dead by then? Was she actively seeking it? ”SSSSSSSS-SSSSSSooooo,” I couldn't even say her name without elongating the S and O, so I gave up. I needed to focus on something to keep the fear from escalating into panic.

”Come on,” she said as she grabbed the envelopes. ”Let's put these in the mail. I have to get home.”

”S-S-SSSophie d-d-don't. N-n-not y-yet.”

She paused as she opened the drop shoot of the mailbox.

”I'm guessing that since these don't have to be completed till next year, you have a chance for early admission, right? I think you should take it.”

”B-b-but, I...”

”Elliott,” she said, her voice calm, ”while I don't know what's happening with me, we both know you're gonna go to college, and that it's going to be great. The only way to get there is to be accepted, and the only way to get accepted is to apply.”

My hands clenched and I pressed my fists into the top of my thighs. She was about to drop the envelopes into the mailbox and then the applications would be out of my hands and into other people's. ”S-S-S-SSSSS...”

”Elliott,” she said again as she withdrew her hand, still holding the envelopes. ”They're pieces of paper, and it's just college.”

But it wasn't just college. It was new places, new things, and new people. It was the fear of not being good enough, the fear of people not understanding, the fear of rejection, and the fear of never being anything more than the stupid stuttering guy in cla.s.s. Some degrees required a foreign language. There was no way that I could escape two years of Spanish or Russian or German without having to speak in front of people.

”I-I c-c-c-can't...I-I d-d-don't w-w-w-w...” I was getting anxious and nervous. I didn't want to have a panic attack over college applications while she watched.

Her eyes softened and she sighed, moving away from the mailbox as she licked her lips and stopped next to me. She put the envelopes in my hand before reaching up and stroking the side of my head, then tugging at my hair.

”Just put them in the box, Elliott. Then you don't have to worry about it anymore. It'll be done.”

I gripped the envelopes tightly and closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of her hand in my hair.

”What was it Churchill said? 'If you're going through h.e.l.l, keep going'? The only way out is to keep going, and all you have to do is walk to the box, open up the little door, and let those f.u.c.king things slide out of your hands. It'll be okay and you won't have to think about it anymore.”

Logically, I knew she was right and that it was ridiculous to be frozen to the spot outside the Damascus Post Office. But I couldn't help it. I wished it was easier for me to do this. I wished that I was like every other teenager and only put it off because I was lazy. Oh, how I wished that was the case instead of being frozen in panic and fear.

The thought of her applying with me calmed me a little, but I had no way of knowing if she truly would, and even if she did, it didn't mean that she'd be accepted. She wasn't stupid. I knew she was actually quite smart, because I'd seen the grades on her tests when Reese handed them back, and also based on all of our conversations. But if she did apply and even if we were accepted into the same school, I had no guarantee that she would go, especially based on what she'd said earlier. She didn't exactly sound motivated.

”S-S-SSSophie,” I gasped, unprepared for the intensity of the situation. I was sure we looked stupid and if Chris saw us, he'd be extra cruel tomorrow, but I couldn't get myself to move.

I wanted to put the ridiculous envelopes in that stupid blue box. I wanted to do it because Sophie was there and she wanted me to. My brain yelled at my feet to move, but they wouldn't. Although I wasn't gasping for breath like during a regular attack, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to disappoint her, but I wasn't able to get over the fear and panic that was holding me down.

I had no idea how long we stood there like that until I was finally able to open my eyes, but it was only because Sophie removed her hand from my hair.

”You can mail them tomorrow,” she said, her voice quiet as she gave me the out that I needed.

I let out a deep breath.

”But food for thought,” she said as she moved away from me, and walked over to my car. ”You're way too smart to flip burgers or pour concrete. A job is a job, but those aren't for you.” She turned her back to me. ”There are people everywhere. Not all of them are a.s.sholes, but most are. Don't let the fact that you don't know them keep you from doing awesome things.”

She opened the car door and I looked down at the letters in my hand and sighed. I felt completely sick to my stomach, my head was swimming, and I was drowning in a sea of emotion, but I sucked in a deep breath and said, ”Y-y-you d-d-d-do it.”

I thrust out my hand, gripping the envelopes tight and making them wrinkle.

Sophie turned around. With a half-smile, she said, ”I'm not going to walk all the way back over there if you're not going to let me really do it this time.”

I held my arm out farther. ”P-p-please?”

I closed my eyes as she came back toward me. My breathing sped back up as I felt her take the papers from my hand. I nearly choked on my heart when I heard the creaking of the metal door. I had to concentrate really hard on not vomiting.

”There. Now Elliott's going to college and there's nothing he can do about it, so there's absolutely no reason for him to worry.”

I sighed. ”W-why are you t-talking about me in the th-third p-person?”