Part 12 (1/2)
But I was like an unskilful magician; I had lost the spell; I could not again discover the spring I had touched. In vain I said to myself, ”I'll make her do it again!” Little Ugly would'nt!
She answered my incoherent sallies in her usual sedate manner, and I believe it was only in my imagination that her cheek dimpled a little, with a heightened color, now and then, when I was particularly eloquent.
Introduced by Miss Etty, I was cordially welcomed. I am always affected by the sight of an aged woman who at all reminds me of the grandmother so indulgent to my prankful boyhood. The old man, too, interested me; he has seen much of the world, in his seafaring life, and related his adventures in a most unhackneyed style. I'll go and see them every day. One of the Captain's anecdotes was very good. ”An old salt,” he said, ”once--once--” Bah, what was it? How very lovely Etty looked, sitting on a cricket at the old woman's feet, and, with a half smile on her face, submitting her polished little head to be stroked by her trembling hands! This I saw out of the corner of my eye.
Hark! Aunt Tabitha's call to dinner. I am glad of it. I was scribbling _such_ nonsense, when I have so much to write better worth while.
_12 o'clock_. The night is beautiful, and it is a piece of self-denial to close the shutter, light my lamp, and write in my journal. Peace of mind came yesterday, positive happiness to-day, neither of which I can a.n.a.lyze. I only know I have not been so thoroughly content since the acquisition of my first jackknife; nor so proud since the day when I first sported a s.h.i.+ning beaver. I have conquered Etty's distrust; she has actually promised me her friends.h.i.+p. I am rather surprised that I am so enchanted at this triumph over a prejudice. I am hugely delighted. Not because it is a triumph, however;--vanity has nothing to do with it. It is a worthier feeling, one in which humility mingles with a more cordial self-respect than I have hitherto been conscious of. I can, and I will, deserve Etty's good opinion. She is an uncompromising judge, but I will surprise her by going beyond what she believes me capable of. I never had a sister; I shall adopt Etty, and when I go home, we will write every week, if not every day.
But how came it all about? By what blessed sunbeams can the ice have been softened, till now, as I hope, it is broken up for ever? People under the same roof cannot long mistake each other, it seems, else Etty and I should never have become friends.
As we left the door of Captain Black's house, and turned into the field path to avoid the dust, Etty said, ”I do not know whether you care much about it, but you have given pleasure to these good old people, who have but little variety in their daily routine, being poor, and infirm, and lonely. It is really a duty to cheer them up, if we can.” I felt that it warmed my heart to have shared that duty with her, and I said so. I thought she looked doubtful and surprised. It was a good opening for egotism, and I improved it. I saw that she was no uninterested listener, but all along rather suspicious and incredulous, as if what I was claiming for myself was inconsistent with her previous notions of my disposition. I believe I had made some little impression Sat.u.r.day night, but her old distrust had come back by Sunday morning. Now she was again shaken.
At last, looking up with the air of one who has taken a mighty resolve, she said, ”I presume such a keen observer as yourself must have noticed that the most reserved people are, on some occasions, the most frank and direct. I am going to tell you that I feel some apology due to you, if my first impressions of your character are really incorrect. I am puzzled what to think.”
”I am to suppose that your first impressions were not as favorable as those of Mrs. Black, whom I heard remark that I was an amiable youth, with an uncommonly pleasant smile.”
”Just the opposite, in fact,--pardon me! To my eye, you had a mocking, ironical cast of countenance. I felt sure at once you were the sort of person I never could make a _friend_ of, and acquaintances I leave to Flora, who wants to know every body. I thought the less I had to do with you the better.”
I felt hurt, and almost insulted. I had not been mistaken, then; she had disliked me, and perhaps disliked me yet.
”It was not that I stood in fear of your satire,” she continued; ”I am indifferent to ridicule or censure in general; no one but a _friend_ has power to wound me.”
A flattering emphasis, truly! I felt my temper a little stirred by Miss Etty's frankness. I was sulkily silent.
”_I_ had no claim to any forbearance, any consideration for peculiarities of any sort. I am perfectly resigned to being the theme of your wit in any circle, if you can find aught in _my_ country-bred ways to amuse you.”
Zounds! I must speak.
”My conduct to Flora must have confirmed the charming impression produced by my unlucky phiz, I imagine. But don't bear malice against me in _her_ behalf; you must have seen that she was perfectly able to revenge herself.”
Etty's light-hearted laugh rung out, and reminded me of my once baffled curiosity when it reached my ear from Norah's domain. But though this unsuppressed mirth of hers revealed the prettiest row of teeth in the world, and made the whole face decidedly beautiful, somehow or other it gave me no pleasure, but rather a feeling of depression. My joining in it was pure pretence.