Part 4 (1/2)
16. This is still a pretty excellent band name, all things considered.
17. The most interesting thing about Exit 99 was something that didn't happen in 1991: An unknown group scheduled a date to play there in the middle of the week, but they canceled at the last minute, supposedly because their debut alb.u.m was starting to get a little media attention and their itinerary was being reconstructed. This was a minor tragedy, since (a) the show would have probably drawn less than twelve people, and (b) the band was Pearl Jam.
18. This person still lives in Fargo, and he still ha.s.sles me whenever I go back. His zine was pretty great (or at least it seemed that way at the time). He had a feud with the band Orange 17, so he was consistently publis.h.i.+ng a list called, ”Things I would rather do than see Orange 17 perform live.” I particularly remember one of these lists, because #5 was, ”See a movie with Forum Forum film critic Chuck Klosterman” and #6 was, ”Have the worst s.e.x of my life, get AIDS, and die.” This remains the most insightful literary criticism I've ever received. film critic Chuck Klosterman” and #6 was, ”Have the worst s.e.x of my life, get AIDS, and die.” This remains the most insightful literary criticism I've ever received.
19. This is the guy I sold my used CDs to. He would give me four dollars for almost anything, including reggae compilations. As far as I'm concerned, that qualified him as an expert on just about everything. He knew (and knows) a metric ton about music, but I think he eventually became a plumber.
20. f.u.c.k. I was a really, really wretched person.
21. Actually, they were.
22. What made Orange 17 awesome was how so many people in Fargo hated them for their success. This is a band who never made an alb.u.m, never went on tour, and never made any money. However, they once opened for Ted Nugent and Bad Company at the FarG.o.dome (they were the replacement for a national band who got sick). In a way, Orange 17 truly were a little ahead of their time; they loved hair metal ironically when absolutely n.o.body else did, and-had they emerged ten years later-I suppose they could have been a second-tier version of the Darkness. The band was also hurt by the fact that vocalist Karl Qualey-as mentioned above-looked too much like Kurt Cobain, and everyone thought he was doing it on purpose. In truth, it was just a weird coincidence. He really just needed a different barber.
23. And by ”scary” I meant ”bald.”
24. Played the same songs, though.
25. I never saw this band, ever.
26. Inspired by Tiger Trap!
27. This was true. The drummer's last name was Jensen, and he (and his older brother) symbolized key elements of small-town, North Dakota basketball folklore: the n.o.ble tradition of high-scoring five-foot-six-inch jump shooters. These two Jensen brothers would come off the bench for Milnor, hide in the corner against zone defenses, and inevitably drain three or four 3-pointers every single night. It was profoundly frustrating for all their opponents, because those Jensen boys were short and slow and (kind of) chubby. But undersized fat kids often thrive on the hardwood floors of rural North Dakota. There was another school in a community called Marion, ND, that had two families with the surname Trapp (these families might have even been named ”Von Trapp,” although that might be wishful thinking on my part). This was a tiny town-maybe 250 people total-and their high school gym was the size of a four-car garage. It was probably only sixty feet long. As such, these Trapp boys-all of whom were under five foot eight-would regularly launch jump shots from half court in the middle of a game. This was impossible to defend, because your natural psychological instinct was not to cover any kid inexplicably shooting from beyond midcourt. The most talented Trapp was a c.o.c.ky, curly-haired fellow named Tori Trapp, and he averaged something like thirty-three points a game without ever going inside the lane. The summer after he graduated from high school, Tori Trapp made out with a girl at a keg party who would later become my girlfriend. I guess I have a lot of unresolved issues with this dude.
28. This was gleaned from their handwritten press release.
29. Now defunct.
30. As opposed to an Adult-Oriented Skater band (AOS).
31. For some reason, I really tried to ram this point home.
Q: You are given the chance to control what your legacy will be. You can't You are given the chance to control what your legacy will be. You can't specifically specifically dictate how you will be recalled by future generations, but You are given the chance to choose between two general idioms of legacies. dictate how you will be recalled by future generations, but You are given the chance to choose between two general idioms of legacies.
The first kind of legacy (”option A”) would be that you lived your days as a good, honest person who worked hard and contributed to society. However, the limitation of this legacy will be that almost no one will know or remember this information (including future members of your own extended family). Most average people will never even know you lived.
The second kind of legacy (”option B”) will be familiar to almost everyone in the world for centuries to come. However, this legacy will be extremely strange and neutral; it will be an obscure fact that has almost nothing to do with your tangible day-to-day life (the best comparison being the legacy of General Tso Tsungtang, an extremely gifted and successful military leader during the seventeenth-century Qing Dynasty who is now exclusively remembered as the namesake for the popular Chinese dish General Tso's chicken).
Which legacy do you want?
Singularity Remember Jessica McClure? That little Texas girl who fell down a well in 1987? She's seventeen now, and I'm a.s.suming she's pretty G.o.dd.a.m.n sick of people bringing that incident up. And I'm sure they do it constantly. I bet old friends call her and say things like ”Oh, hi, Jessica. Funny story. Last night, I was listening to a Terence Trent D'Arby alb.u.m, and when I heard that song 'Wis.h.i.+ng Well,' I totally thought about the time you fell into that well, so I thought I'd give you a jingle.” This is the kind of thing that happens when people a.s.sociate one event with your entire life.
I have a similar problem: everyone I've ever met seems to know that I like KISS. Everyone. I have come to realize that liking KISS will ultimately be the only thing anybody will remember about me. I have no doubt that if I died today, whoever was to engrave my tombstone would chisel something along the lines of Charles J. Klosterman 19722005: ”He preferred Animalize Animalize to Lick It Up. Lick It Up.”
The problem with being closely a.s.sociated with KISS (or with any singular ent.i.ty) is not that people know this particular fact. The problem is that people a.s.sume there are no other facts (about anything) that would possibly interest you. Acquaintances are endlessly telling me rudimentary trivia about KISS, which is a little hard to reconcile, since these same people inevitably tell me things they must a.s.sume I already know. For example, if someone is aware that I know which tracks on Destroyer Destroyer include uncredited guitar playing by d.i.c.k Wagner (”Sweet Pain,” ”Great Expectations,” and ”Flaming Youth”), why would this same person feel obligated to inform me that KISS is currently touring with Aerosmith? I mean, I get VH1, too. I own a microwave. I don't live at the bottom of a well. But these are the kinds of things people feel they must tell me. include uncredited guitar playing by d.i.c.k Wagner (”Sweet Pain,” ”Great Expectations,” and ”Flaming Youth”), why would this same person feel obligated to inform me that KISS is currently touring with Aerosmith? I mean, I get VH1, too. I own a microwave. I don't live at the bottom of a well. But these are the kinds of things people feel they must tell me.
Consequently, I was not surprised to receive somewhere between six and eighteen thousand e-mails the day after Gene Simmons announced that he was releasing a new solo alb.u.m next year and that one of the songs (”Waiting for the Morning Light”) would be cowritten by Bob Dylan. This is significant news to someone like me, a longtime lobbyist for KISS songs that fall outside the conventional KISS paradigm. I'm a big supporter of the (highly Advanced) collaborations between KISS and Lou Reed on the 1981 concept alb.u.m Music from the Elder, Music from the Elder, a work that I consider the fourth-best KISS studio effort of all time. I do not find the Simmons-Dylan collaboration surprising. In fact, it shouldn't be surprising to anyone. Their partners.h.i.+p simply ill.u.s.trates that rock 'n' roll has reached its logical conclusion and no longer needs to exist. a work that I consider the fourth-best KISS studio effort of all time. I do not find the Simmons-Dylan collaboration surprising. In fact, it shouldn't be surprising to anyone. Their partners.h.i.+p simply ill.u.s.trates that rock 'n' roll has reached its logical conclusion and no longer needs to exist.
Here is the entire history of rock music, recounted in one paragraph: rock music did not exist until the release of Meet the Beatles Meet the Beatles in January 1964. From that time until 1970, the Beatles were simultaneously the most artistically gifted and commercially successful rock artists on the planet. Then they broke up. And at that point, rock split into two opposing ideologies; there were now two kinds of music. The prime directive of the first kind of rock was to be meaningful and important; the prime directive of the second was to entertain people and move product. The first category comprises elements (Springsteen, punk rock, early U2, Chris Carrabba, etc.) that followed a template built by Dylan in the 1960s. The second category comprises things (Elton John, disco, everything the Stones did post in January 1964. From that time until 1970, the Beatles were simultaneously the most artistically gifted and commercially successful rock artists on the planet. Then they broke up. And at that point, rock split into two opposing ideologies; there were now two kinds of music. The prime directive of the first kind of rock was to be meaningful and important; the prime directive of the second was to entertain people and move product. The first category comprises elements (Springsteen, punk rock, early U2, Chris Carrabba, etc.) that followed a template built by Dylan in the 1960s. The second category comprises things (Elton John, disco, everything the Stones did postSome Girls, Michael Jackson, et al.) that followed the path KISS chose when they formed in 1973. This era includes two exceptions, which are Led Zeppelin and Prince; everything else fits into either category A or category B. And that is the entire history of rock music, completely condensed into one paragraph. Michael Jackson, et al.) that followed the path KISS chose when they formed in 1973. This era includes two exceptions, which are Led Zeppelin and Prince; everything else fits into either category A or category B. And that is the entire history of rock music, completely condensed into one paragraph.
But now, that's all over. Rock 'n' roll has come full circle: the genre's most genuine, most credible individual has joined forces with the genre's most entrepreneurial, most self-consciously contrived individual. Rock 'n' roll has not been destroyed; it has been solved. This, of course, will make it significantly harder to put out a rock magazine, but I'm sure we'll think of something. Tune in next month, when this column will begin covering ... oh, I don't know. Maybe horse racing.
-SPIN, 2004
Oh, the Guilt 1 It's fascinating and stupid to watch adults destroy things on purpose. It's a sensation that applies to a mult.i.tude of stimuli: monster truck shows, the dynamiting of sports arenas, race riots, Van Halen's musical legacy, eggs, governments, and temporary G.o.ds. And guitars. Always guitars. You absolutely cannot destroy enough guitars within the course of your career; Pete Townshend tried, but that still didn't stop him from getting wrongly accused of pedophilia or thinking that ”Squeeze Box” was clever. People wreck guitars to ill.u.s.trate how important guitars are supposed to be, aggressively reminding us that these are the machines that kill fascists. Sadly, this axiom has proven to be mostly inaccurate; according to the most recent edition of the It's fascinating and stupid to watch adults destroy things on purpose. It's a sensation that applies to a mult.i.tude of stimuli: monster truck shows, the dynamiting of sports arenas, race riots, Van Halen's musical legacy, eggs, governments, and temporary G.o.ds. And guitars. Always guitars. You absolutely cannot destroy enough guitars within the course of your career; Pete Townshend tried, but that still didn't stop him from getting wrongly accused of pedophilia or thinking that ”Squeeze Box” was clever. People wreck guitars to ill.u.s.trate how important guitars are supposed to be, aggressively reminding us that these are the machines that kill fascists. Sadly, this axiom has proven to be mostly inaccurate; according to the most recent edition of the World Book Almanac, World Book Almanac, the number of fascists killed in guitar-related a.s.sa.s.sinations continues to hover near zero. the number of fascists killed in guitar-related a.s.sa.s.sinations continues to hover near zero.
”It seemed like Nirvana had had to smash their instruments,” Mudhoney front man Mark Arm supposedly said about Kurt Cobain. ”It was really dumb. A roadie would remove all of the mics from the drum kit so they wouldn't get hurt. What the f.u.c.k?” Arm was talking about the '92 version of Nirvana, a group who had not yet begun recording to smash their instruments,” Mudhoney front man Mark Arm supposedly said about Kurt Cobain. ”It was really dumb. A roadie would remove all of the mics from the drum kit so they wouldn't get hurt. What the f.u.c.k?” Arm was talking about the '92 version of Nirvana, a group who had not yet begun recording In Utero In Utero but who'd already begun to lose track of how rich they were. However, the band had been preoccupied with destroying their own equipment long before their fiscal windfall: Nirvana annihilated their set at a show at Evergreen College way back in 1988. but who'd already begun to lose track of how rich they were. However, the band had been preoccupied with destroying their own equipment long before their fiscal windfall: Nirvana annihilated their set at a show at Evergreen College way back in 1988.1 They would regularly wreck their own possessions while touring in support of They would regularly wreck their own possessions while touring in support of Bleach, Bleach, an alb.u.m that (initially) sold thirty-five thousand copies and only appealed to slow-witted stoners and big-picture A & R representatives. ”When we started smas.h.i.+ng our equipment it was out of frustration, because I felt like we weren't playing very well,” Cobain explained. ”People expect it also. Give the kids what they want.” an alb.u.m that (initially) sold thirty-five thousand copies and only appealed to slow-witted stoners and big-picture A & R representatives. ”When we started smas.h.i.+ng our equipment it was out of frustration, because I felt like we weren't playing very well,” Cobain explained. ”People expect it also. Give the kids what they want.”
This is true. This is true, sort of.
2 In Utero In Utero was the first alb.u.m actively promoted as a product I needed to buy was the first alb.u.m actively promoted as a product I needed to buy because because I was not going to like it. The wanting and the hating were somehow related. That's all I remember about waiting for the release of that record: Over and over again, I was informed about how much I was going to hate this alb.u.m and how I would never want to play it, supposedly because it would be so challenging and corrosive that it wouldn't sound like music. It would have no relations.h.i.+p to melody or metal or capitalism. There seemed to be a lot of people arguing about this possibility in public (and they were always the same people), and they would all inevitably say the exact opposite of whatever they had allegedly argued in the past (in fact, it always seemed like their contradictory statements could only be found retrospectively in the denials). Following a lead in the I was not going to like it. The wanting and the hating were somehow related. That's all I remember about waiting for the release of that record: Over and over again, I was informed about how much I was going to hate this alb.u.m and how I would never want to play it, supposedly because it would be so challenging and corrosive that it wouldn't sound like music. It would have no relations.h.i.+p to melody or metal or capitalism. There seemed to be a lot of people arguing about this possibility in public (and they were always the same people), and they would all inevitably say the exact opposite of whatever they had allegedly argued in the past (in fact, it always seemed like their contradictory statements could only be found retrospectively in the denials). Following a lead in the Chicago Tribune, Newsweek Chicago Tribune, Newsweek raised doubt over whether Geffen Records would allow the alb.u.m to be released as it was recorded. This was during an era when people still cared what raised doubt over whether Geffen Records would allow the alb.u.m to be released as it was recorded. This was during an era when people still cared what Newsweek Newsweek reported about rock music. The vortex of the controversy stemmed from Cobain's selection of Steve Albini as the reported about rock music. The vortex of the controversy stemmed from Cobain's selection of Steve Albini as the In Utero In Utero producer-an abrasive, ethical man whose legacy is built on crafting sonically authentic records that normal people hate. The word that kept being connected to the project was producer-an abrasive, ethical man whose legacy is built on crafting sonically authentic records that normal people hate. The word that kept being connected to the project was unlistenable unlistenable. The vocals were going to be ”low in the mix” (which meant nothing to me at the time) and everything was apparently going to sound like the Jesus Lizard covering a Pixies alb.u.m inside MechaG.o.dzilla (except not good). Cobain insisted In Utero In Utero would sell ”a quarter as much” as 1991's would sell ”a quarter as much” as 1991's Nevermind, Nevermind, a nonarbitrary estimate that could be taken to mean Cobain figured 75 percent of his audience did not care about incendiary sonic experiences. ”The grown-ups don't like it,” he told Nirvana biographer Michael Azerrad, the a.s.sumption being that ”the grown-ups” were the faceless executives at Geffen who had (somehow) hoped that Nirvana was going to bring in twelve new songs that sounded like Aerosmith's ”Crazy.” The accuracy of this a.s.sertion remains unclear. Later, in 1994, Cobain delivered an uncharacteristically lucid and relaxed interview to a French video outlet called a nonarbitrary estimate that could be taken to mean Cobain figured 75 percent of his audience did not care about incendiary sonic experiences. ”The grown-ups don't like it,” he told Nirvana biographer Michael Azerrad, the a.s.sumption being that ”the grown-ups” were the faceless executives at Geffen who had (somehow) hoped that Nirvana was going to bring in twelve new songs that sounded like Aerosmith's ”Crazy.” The accuracy of this a.s.sertion remains unclear. Later, in 1994, Cobain delivered an uncharacteristically lucid and relaxed interview to a French video outlet called Metal Express Metal Express where he merely said, ”I think the general consensus was that the alb.u.m may not sell as much, so they were concerned with that. But they never, ever once put any pressure on us. They just basically told us their feelings about the record. Most people don't like the record. A lot of my friends don't even like the record.” He seemed intellectually satisfied by that distaste. And while I'm sure the label would have been happier if Cobain had written a bunch of power ballads and asked Bob Rock to make them sparkle, it's not like the grown-ups hammered him in the press-David Geffen personally called where he merely said, ”I think the general consensus was that the alb.u.m may not sell as much, so they were concerned with that. But they never, ever once put any pressure on us. They just basically told us their feelings about the record. Most people don't like the record. A lot of my friends don't even like the record.” He seemed intellectually satisfied by that distaste. And while I'm sure the label would have been happier if Cobain had written a bunch of power ballads and asked Bob Rock to make them sparkle, it's not like the grown-ups hammered him in the press-David Geffen personally called Newsweek Newsweek to complain about the accuracy of their report. My suspicion is that the label merely wanted an alb.u.m that large numbers of people might like, and they did not think such a desire precluded the band from making an alb.u.m that was valid. to complain about the accuracy of their report. My suspicion is that the label merely wanted an alb.u.m that large numbers of people might like, and they did not think such a desire precluded the band from making an alb.u.m that was valid.