Part 19 (2/2)

Gabby wanted to write back telling her how disgusted she was, but as she read through that first email she realized how much she missed Claire's voice, her point of view, her guidance and wisdom.

She has grown to look forward to the emails, even though she doesn't respond. She isn't ready to forgive Claire for not standing by her, not being there for her. But at the same time she can't help but laugh at the things Claire writes; can't help but miss having a friend like her.

And yet, however much she longs to have Claire back in her life she isn't able to forget Claire's betrayal. Why did Claire *choose' Elliott, to the exclusion of her best friend? Gabby can't see that a choice even had to be made.

And Elliott? He is trying, oh how he is trying, to make things right, to recreate last night, but their easy camaraderie is gone, and Gabby looks grim as she takes the strawberries out of the fridge and pours hot chocolate for the girls.

She closes her eyes for a second as she stands by the fridge, so tired, so desperately wanting her life to be something, anything, other than the life she has.

*Mom? Are you okay?' Olivia is watching her.

*I'm fine. I'm just really tired suddenly.'

*Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?' Elliott is concerned. *The girls will bring you breakfast in bed.'

What do you care? She wants to say it, but she doesn't. She nods and goes upstairs, relieved as soon as she lies on her bed, cradled in the heap of pillows. Elliott telling her about his girlfriend a the word is snarled nastily in her head a has thrown her. She hasn't felt right since then. Sick and tired. Ha! She is, indeed, sick and tired. And terrified, now, of what this means.

All this time, she has harboured the hope that they will get back together. More than hoped. Known. She has presumed Elliott will come home, because this is where he belongs. This is where he has always belonged. She has been able to keep away, to give him s.p.a.ce, only because she has always known that at some point he is going to take her face in his hands and gently kiss her, telling her how sorry he is, asking her to give things another chance.

But she was wrong. Which means she is on her own. Which means that life will never be the same again. And despite what Sally at the divorce support group said, despite her a.s.surances that there would be love, and possibility, and joy again, Gabby knows that's not true.

Not without Elliott.

After breakfast, brought up by the girls, Gabby falls asleep. When she awakes, the house is quiet. She crawls out from under the covers and takes the tray downstairs, finding Elliott asleep on the sofa in the family room, Olivia and Alanna on either side of him, both of them avidly watching some movie as a fire dies down in the fireplace.

Gabby stands watching them for a while. Alanna notices her and waves, then Olivia does the same, neither of them talking.

*What are you watching?' she asks finally.

*Love Actually,' mumbles Alanna. *Ssshh.'

*Shall I make popcorn?' Gabby offers, as she feels a warm whoosh of liquid down her legs. *Oh G.o.d,' she says, reaching out a hand to steady herself, trying to make sense of what has happened. Could she have had an accident? Has her bladder been rendered so weak by pregnancy that she could just stand and wet herself?

*What's the matter?' Both girls look alarmed. *What is it?'

Gabby reaches down to swipe her legs and then inspects the liquid. It's clear. Has no colour, no scent.

*I think,' she moans, *my waters just broke.'

Elliott keeps turning to her. *Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay?'

Gabby clutches the armrests, furiously breathing in and out, nodding with wide, scared eyes.

*Mom?' Olivia, excited and terrified, peers over the back of Gabby's seat. *I saw in a movie someone doing some counting. Do you want me to count?'

*I don't know,' Gabby puffs, exhaling as the contraction pa.s.ses, leaning her head back on the headrest with a groan. *Oh G.o.d. I should have gone to Lamaze cla.s.ses.'

*I remember Lamaze cla.s.ses,' Elliott says. *We did them before.'

*Yes, but that was for Olivia. That was almost eighteen years ago. I don't remember anything.'

*You're doing great.' Alanna reaches forward and rubs her mother's arm, before turning to Olivia. *I can't believe we get to watch!'

*No!' Gabby shakes her head in horror. *You're not watching!'

*Aw, Mom!' Alanna grumbles. *It's natural. Childbirth. What could be more beautiful?'

Olivia grimaces. *Ees another one. Elliott? Can you drive faster? f.u.c.k!' And she's breathing hard again, trying to ease the pain, looking not unlike a terrified blowfish.

Elliott says nothing more. He doesn't want to be here. He can't believe he is here; it's just his bad luck that Gabby's waters broke when he happened to be in the house. And yet, there is a part of him grateful to be here, for what the h.e.l.l would Gabby have done if she'd been on her own with the girls?

All he has to do is get her safely to the hospital and deliver her into the arms of a waiting doctor. Perhaps he'll go with them to the room, make sure the girls are okay, then leave just before they put the epidural in.

That would be the perfect time to leave. The one thing he's certain of is that he doesn't want to be anywhere near the place when the baby's about to be born.

Chapter Thirty.

*Come on, nearly there. You can do it. Keep pus.h.i.+ng, Gabby, one last time.'

Gabby leans her head back in exhaustion, summoning all her strength to push the baby out, certain that if it doesn't come out with this push, it's not coming out at all.

With a long grunt, Gabby pushes hard, feeling the release as the slick of life leaves her body, slithering into the waiting hands.

*Congratulations!' The doctor smiles. *You have a beautiful baby boy.'

The baby is placed gently in Gabby's arms as tears of wonder roll down her face.

*A boy!' she whispers, her face lit with a beatific smile. *He's perfect!' Despite the tiniest of features being scrunched up, he is still the most beautiful baby she has ever seen, more beautiful perhaps because he was so unexpected. Whatever misgivings she may have had, whatever regrets, she knows she wouldn't change this moment for anything.

The surge of love is instant and all-consuming. She will do anything for this baby; this baby will make everything okay; this baby is the only thing that matters in the world.

A nurse catches Elliott's eye. *Congratulations, Dr Cartwright,' she says with a big smile. *Or perhaps I should say ”Dad”.' Elliott smiles awkwardly, nodding in acknowledgement. How can he tell her, tell anyone here, that he is not the father? How can he admit that he is overwhelmed by the miracle of birth, by the fact of this new life now squalling in Gabby's arms, but that it has nothing to do with him?

He wasn't able to leave. He tried, many times, but on each occasion a nurse or a doctor would come in and address him as *Dad', or give him instructions a not to let Gabby have too many ice chips a or simply speak to him as if he was supposed to be there, and he didn't know how to just walk away.

The truth is that he doesn't feel angry at Gabby any more. Not since his relations.h.i.+p with Trish began. He feels, mostly, sad. Sad for her, for her predicament, for what she has done to her life. He, after all, is in a relations.h.i.+p, and can, at times, see it becoming serious. This has less to do with Trish, and more a everything, in fact a to do with Elliott liking being married, needing the security, the routine, the comfort of having someone to come home to.

Here at the hospital, with Gabby, he feels at once connected, and curiously detached. She is the mother of his children, the woman he knows better than anyone in the world, but there is a barrier between them now that can never be removed.

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