Part 15 (2/2)

*The thing is ...' Josephine stops to tear open a packet of sugar and tip it into her tea, stirring it with a plastic spoon. *It isn't the same when you've left your husband. It just isn't the same as having them walk out on you. Those women seem ... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, but the only one I felt I had anything in common with is you.'

*Do you think that matters, though?' Gabby can't help but feel flattered. *Do we have to like each other? Obviously it's nicer for everyone if we do, but I don't know that it's essential.'

*All I know is that if you hadn't been there I'm not sure I'd be coming back. It just seemed that so many of those other women were angry. I'm not angry. I'm relieved. And terrified.'

*Tell me about it,' Gabby says. *I still wake up every morning thinking this is a bad dream.'

*So what was your mistake? How did you screw it up?'

*Isn't it obvious?' Gabby gestures to her stomach.

*You had an affair?'

*I'm not even sure you could call it that. An emotional affair, perhaps. I had a ... friends.h.i.+p. Probably one just like yours. Lots of flirtatious emails, lots of banter. It made me feel beautiful again. And alive. We slept together once, but once is all you need, it seems. I thought I was going through the menopause and pregnancy was the last thing I'd have to worry about.'

*I know this sounds deceitful, but didn't you think about telling your husband it was his? If it was just once, couldn't you have just, I don't know, put it behind you and moved on?'

*I could have done. If my husband hadn't had a vasectomy last year.'

Josephine claps her hands over her mouth. *Oh s.h.i.+t!'

*Exactly.' Even Gabby smiles at the irony. *Oh s.h.i.+t indeed.'

*Okay,' Josephine says, leaning forward. *Seeing as we're now at secret level, I will confess that my ... friends.h.i.+p ...'

*You're sleeping with him,' Gabby says matter-of-factly.

Josephine's face falls. *How do you know?'

*I didn't know for sure, but it seemed likely. Only because you left your husband. I don't know that women ever leave their husbands unless there's someone else. Actually, I don't think you necessarily have to be sleeping with them, but you have to be emotionally attached to someone other than your husband. A close friends.h.i.+p with an unspoken attraction, maybe. An unfulfilled dream. Or, in my case, a flirtation with an inappropriate man and one night that screws everything up.'

*You realize you just got hugely unlucky, don't you?' Josephine says. *If you hadn't got pregnant, you could have got away with it.'

Gabby gives a deep sigh. *That's the thing I can't believe. It still would have been wrong, and I would have had to live with the fact that I had betrayed my husband. And honestly? I don't know that I would have been able to do it, but at least he would still be my husband. At least the man I love, the only man I have ever loved, would still be by my side.' She looks at Josephine. *Enough about me. Did you sleep with your friend before or after leaving your husband?'

*After!' Josephine looks shocked. *I could never sleep with another man then climb into bed with my husband! Oh Lord.' She realizes who she's talking to. *I'm sorry. I'm not judging you. It's just a personal thing ...'

*Oh trust me, I'm not offended. I never thought that either a I never thought I could sleep with another man then climb into bed with my husband. Amazing the things you end up doing during your mid-life crisis. Are you going to run off into the sunset with this other man and live happily ever after?'

Sadness crosses Josephine's face. *That's the thing. It's complicated. He was incredible when I was sharing my unhappiness with him, and then immediately after I left, when things became physical, I presumed we'd be together. I told everyone else I was leaving Chris because I was so unhappy and because I'd had enough, and, even though that was true, I knew deep down I wouldn't be leaving if James wasn't waiting in the wings.'

*And?'

*Now James isn't sure we should get involved. Not seriously. He says he loves me but he's worried he's the rebound guy, and I need to heal before he can get involved with me.'

*What do you think?'

*I think it's bulls.h.i.+t. I think this is one of the things men say when they're trying to let you down gently. It's like that whole ”it's not me, it's you” thing. I'm on this G.o.dd.a.m.ned roller coaster where I have no idea what's going on. When he calls and says he's coming over I'm flying high as a kite, then when he doesn't respond to a text, or disappears for two days, I sink into the depths of depression and all I can do is lie in bed and cry. You probably think I'm crazy.'

Gabby smiles. *I do. But only because I've experienced all kinds of crazy myself. That was me with the guy who got me pregnant. A roller coaster. I was obsessed with him, to the exclusion of everything that was important in my life. My husband, my kids. All I thought about was him. I had no idea how crazy, and how unhealthy, it was. Nor did I have any idea how it would screw up my life.'

*Do you think this is crazy and unhealthy?' Josephine's voice is a fearful whisper.

*What do you think?' Gabby asks gently.

*I think it's crazy and unhealthy.' She grimaces as she says the words. *I know it is. But I can't help it. I feel like I've jumped into the ocean and he's the only lifeline I have.'

*He can't be a lifeline when he's drifting away from you,' says Gabby. *Look. I'm not saying you were wrong to leave your husband. Clearly you were terribly unhappy, and he sounds like a dreadfully abusive and difficult man. You needed to leave, and this man a James?' Josephine nods. *James saved your life. You should always be grateful to him for getting you out of the marriage, but the ones that get you out are never the ones you end up with.'

*You don't think so?'

*I think it can happen but it's rare. He had a specific role in your life: to get you over the fear enough for you to leave your husband. Of course it's scary. Trust me, I know how terrifying it is to face the prospect of life on your own when you've had a partner for so many years, but you have to face those fears. You can't immediately look to another man to rescue you. That will bring you nothing but pain.'

*I know you're right,' Josephine says. *It's still pretty s.h.i.+tty to hear. It's a shame you're pregnant a I could do with a gla.s.s of wine just about now.'

*It's the middle of the afternoon!' Gabby laughs. *A bit early, isn't it?'

*Never too early for a gla.s.s of wine when you're going through a divorce!' Josephine laughs too, lifting her mug of tea. *Cheers. I'm glad I met you, and I'm glad I came today. I didn't expect this, but I feel a little bit better already.'

Gabby opens the front door, immediately seeing Olivia's Uggs, kicked off in the hallway in just the way that always drives her nuts. Usually she would shout up the stairs, demanding Olivia come down and put her boots away in the cubby, where they belong, but the very fact that Olivia is here is so thrilling that she doesn't want to do anything to destroy whatever peace she may have brought with her.

Should she go upstairs and knock on Olivia's door? Should she bring tea? Olivia has refused to speak to Gabby for weeks, and Gabby wants to make this easy, doesn't want to do anything to further stir up the situation.

Things are not easy, apparently, at Tim and Claire's house. The house really isn't big enough for two extra bodies, and nerves are starting to fray. Elliott is on the sofa bed in the TV room, which is fine during the week, but disastrous at the weekends. Elliott likes to sleep in then, but Tim and Claire's kids like to tumble downstairs at the crack of dawn, to flop on the sofa in the TV room and watch the Disney Channel for hours, until someone remembers to scream at them to turn the d.a.m.ned thing off.

Olivia is sleeping on a camp bed in Jolie's room, but Jolie's room is only big enough for one bed, one camp bed, one nightstand and one dresser. This means that Olivia's stuff a and teenage girls have a tremendous amount of stuff a is spilling out over everything, which is starting to drive Jolie nuts.

This is all according to Alanna, who sleeps on a blow-up bed in the playroom. She insists on sleeping over at Tim and Claire's because she misses her father so much and wants to spend as much time with him as possible, even though the family are out of beds and the house is clearly overcrowded.

The whole thing sounds like a nightmare. Olivia, Gabby is told, desperately misses her bedroom at home, her things, but she is refusing to set foot in the house, blaming her mother for ruining her life.

Gabby tiptoes into the kitchen and makes tea. Being English, she has raised her children in the tradition of tea. Not fancy, herbal, gourmet tea, and nothing that blooms like a flower or comes in a triangular gauze tea bag, but proper builder's tea. Strong, sweet, milky. The kind of tea that can lift you out of a depression, warm you to your bones, chase the blues right out of the door.

There is nothing as comforting as a proper cup of tea and when Olivia's favourite mug is full to the brim with it, Gabby carries it up the stairs, with a chocolate-wrapped marshmallow. She raps lightly on the door.

*Who is it?'

*It's me. Mum. Can I come in?'

There is a silence.

*I brought you tea.'

A rustling, then the door is open, and Olivia, trying so hard to retain her expression of disdain, looks at her mother before bursting into tears.

*It's okay,' croons Gabby, cradling her daughter's head as they sit on her bed. *Ssssh. It's okay.'

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