Part 12 (1/2)

*I don't know,' Gabby says, careful to keep the desperation out of her voice. *Maybe the only thing we can do is try. You know how Harvey's always using that expression he learned in al-anon, the one about acting as if. Maybe that's what we have to do. Act as if everything's fine, and then one day we'll wake up and it will be fine.'

*But it isn't fine. And it will never be fine.' Elliott starts to weep again. *How could you do this to me, Gabby? How could you do this to us? How could you take a marriage that was so d.a.m.n good and drop a bomb on it? Was I not a good husband to you? Was I deficient? How could you sleep with another man?' His voice is rising in anger again as he speaks. *How could you?'

*I don't know,' Gabby says. *It wasn't about you. I think it was about me feeling middle-aged. I know how awful that sounds, but it meant nothing. I swear.'

*When did it happen?' Elliott, tortured by not knowing, will be doubly tortured by knowing, but he cannot resist asking.

*It was the weekend you were away.'

He shakes his head. *Jesus. You planned the whole thing. You waited for me to go.'

*No. It wasn't like that. He was going to be in town,' she says. *And it was coincidence. I was just meeting him for a drink.'

*Where did it happen?'

*Elliott. Please. Don't do this. Don't ask. You don't want to know.'

*Just tell me it wasn't in our bed. Tell me you didn't f.u.c.k another man in our bed.'

*No, I didn't f.u.c.k another man in our bed. I ... I wouldn't do that. It happened in the barn.'

*In our barn? So he was here? He was in my home?'

*Elliott, I told you not to do this. He was barely here.'

*You mean he came in, went out to the barn, f.u.c.ked my wife and left?'

*Elliott. Please. It was nothing.'

*No, Gabriella. It wasn't ”nothing”. It was a betrayal. And now it's a new life.'

Gabby turns pale; she can almost feel her blood freeze as he says these words. She has always been able to get through to Elliott, but, for the first time ever, she knows she has lost him. Permanently.

*I'm sorry,' Gabby weeps. *I'm so sorry. I love you.'

*You should have thought of that before.' Elliott gets up, and wearily goes upstairs.

*What are you doing?'

Elliott is walking down the hallway with some clothes and toiletries under his arm.

*I'm going to sleep in the spare room.'

Gabby's face starts to crumple. *Elliott, please don't leave our room. I won't touch you, I swear, but please stay in our room. I need you. Please.'

He hesitates, and Gabby thinks she has got through to him, but then he shakes his head. *I can't. I'm sorry. It's just too painful. I need to be on my own.'

Gabby crawls into bed and sobs until the bedroom door opens and Elliott is standing there. Flooded with relief, Gabby looks up at him, her eyes puffy and red raw.

*I just have to ask,' Elliott says. *Was he better than me?'

*What?' Gabby says in disbelief. *What are you talking about?'

*In bed. Was he better? More creative? Was he bigger than me?'

*Oh Jesus, Elliott. I'm not doing this. Please.'

*Please? You owe me, Gabby. You f.u.c.ked another man so now you have to tell me. Was he?'

*No, he was not better than you, and no, he was not bigger. I don't even know. I barely even looked. It was over so quickly.'

Elliott says nothing. Just stares at Gabby. Then he backs out of the room and closes the door.

Elliott is gone by the time Gabby wakes up the next morning.

*Mom? You look terrible.' Olivia glances up at her. *What's the matter with your eyes?'

*I had a migraine last night,' Gabby lies. *It's still there. It's made me puff up like a balloon.'

Alanna looks up. *Is that why Dad slept in the spare room?'

Gabby nods.

*So it wasn't because of that fight you had?'

*What fight?' Olivia says.

*Never mind what fight,' Gabby says. *Don't worry about it. I've been very headachy and I get up a lot, which disturbs Dad. Can you please not ask any more about it?'

*Okay, okay,' Alanna says. *Sorry I asked.'

*I'm sorry, sweetie. I just get grouchy when I'm tired. Did you see your dad this morning?'

*Yes.'

*How did he seem?'

Alanna looks at her mother weirdly. *Fine. Why?'

*Oh. Good. Just glad he slept well.' Gabby turns to go upstairs, trying to hide a fresh round of tears. How can her husband, the love of her life, have turned into a stranger overnight, into someone she has to ask her daughter about in order to know his state of mind?

This is the man she is supposed to know best in the world, the man she turns to when the rest of her life is falling apart; if she can't turn to him, if he can't ease her pain, what is she supposed to do?

Gabby thinks perhaps she should just end it. Terminate the pregnancy. She should have done it before she even told Elliott. Why didn't she? It's a question Gabby doesn't have an answer to.

Chapter Eighteen.