Part 4 (1/2)
”Off the boat? I guess so. Yes. It has been better, but then, when I kept phoning and phoning you and finally got the call through and then I couldn't say anything I'd planned to say, that was a low point. Believe me, that was a very low point. A feeling of... complete, total failure in everything.”
”Who's watching? Who's keeping score on you? Who's grading your paper, honey?”
She looked puzzled. ”They are. Whoever They might be. The ones who watch you.”
”And who live inside your head?”
”They live somewhere.”
”You can walk down ten thousand crowded streets in ten thousand cities of the world, and n.o.body will give d.a.m.n one about whether you cope or can't cope, whether you live or die. The ones who notice you wonder if there's any safe way to use you, or they give you a part in the little fantasy theater inside their skulls. There is an estimated price on your clothes, shoes and purse, but the rest of you is just so much live meat. Pretty meat. No bonus for how well you perform the feat of living.”
”That is so G.o.dd.a.m.n cold!” she said loudly.
”Scare you?”
”I guess.”
”That's the way it is. n.o.body grades your performance except you and your own ghosts. And you've gotten so anxious about the scoring, you hallucinated.”
She sighed and softened, and in moments was nodding and yawning once more. Where the light touched her hair, it wove fine patterns of gold in spun threads, and her posture pulled the caftan tight to the round of left hip and flank.
So I got up and, with a small pat of affection, a quick kiss on the temple, I said good night and got out of there, all the scruples of my self-awarded medical degree intact. Guilt in one area, Meyer says, can lead to unexpected virtue in everything else. Also, it is unseemly for a sportsman to feed the tame deer a carrot and then shoot it dead.
In the borrowed bed on the ninth floor I was able to spend at least fifty seconds in somber thought before sleep took me. When people invite you to come into their lives and meddle, that is what you do, if you are concerned about them. Right? Right? Right...
Five.
I WOKE up at eleven in the gloom of the draperied room, having just dreamed of being dead. I was dead on the stones of the patio of the Club de Pescadores, my skull mashed by the blow of the fish billy swung by Bunny Mills, the blue-tail flies already humming around the raw broken meat.
In my dream I had been mourning me. Dead is dead. Dead lasts long. The word is strange, like a tap on a slack drumhead. Like striking the key of a piano when the hammer mechanism is broken. I had been dream-mourning the rangy, knuckly, chopped-up, pale-eyed, wry-minded beach b.u.m. Meyer was quite broody about losing me. The regulars at Bahia Mar would gather a few times and laugh at crazy memories, hoist the sentimental gla.s.s and get mournfully drunk. It would move them, I suppose. In each relations.h.i.+p there had been something of meaning, some communication beyond that inaccurate code-and-cipher convention of speech. Male or female, it would fit that Rilke quotation: Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
... That slip over there, that's where what's-hisname used to live aboard a houseboat named... d.a.m.n it, how can I forget names so easy?
So suddenly, sitting on the edge of the bed, I began to laugh. Big hard laughter, clenching the belly and roughening the throat. The vision of the lugubrious McGee, whining as he fondled his incomparable skull, was too much.
In the shower stall I thought about death in a definitely jolly way. Pidge had talked about Them. I have my own set. They gave me a little bit of s.p.a.ce at the edge of the gaming table, and They gave me a few hints about the rules. I made the choice, as does everyone, about how much I want to bet and how often. I decide what I am willing to win and willing to lose.
The house takes a cut of every wager. So you can play a close tight game, work out little conservative systems, calculate the odds to several decimal places, and no matter what you do, sooner or later They will bust you, because the house busts everybody. The house percentage does it, sooner or later.
Or, if you want, you can bet the long shots, go for the hunches. You will give Them a chance to bust you sooner, but you will maybe live a little bigger and better while you still have a place at the table. Only children of all ages think they will play forever. The man who knows in advance that They are going to bust him should not start whining about it in advance. They will bust you with Big C, or a truck driver on uppers, or pilot error, or an Irish bomb, or a coronary occlusion, or gas in the bilge. Other creatures play on smaller tables, and they all get lmsted, from mayfly to possum to quick red fox. By the time I began shaving, the shadows were not as heavy across the back of my mind. Dreams can change a day. I guessed that being aboard the Trepid had brought Bunny Mills back. Most probably he had never tried to kill anyone else, before or since. The time and place had been just right. A whole set of his internal cycles had peaked at the righe time, making a killing possible, or even necessary. In the presence of professionals, my instincts would probably keep me alive. G.o.d deliver me from amateurs. Bunny had nearly gotten me, and maybe the mark it left was deeper than I had realized.
l had finished shaving when the door chime bonged once and then again. I knotted the big yellow bath towel around me and went to the door.
Pidge came plunging into the room, all manic intensity, with a smile that came and went so quickly it was like a grimace. She wore a little white dress. Her voice was fast and was pitched a half octave high. She gave the impression of trotting back and forth in the small studio room, like some kind of nervous goalie. She shook her hair back a lot. She made mouths of many different shapes. Yes, she had been up since eight; woke up abruptly, knew she couldn't sleep any more, knew I was right. Yes. it had all come clear to her.
”'The big question, you see, is did I ever really love him. It is one thing to accept the idea you can really and terrifyingly hallucinate and think you are actually going crazy, and another thing to sort it all out and say, Do I go back to him and start again. Well, suppose all the hallucinating and so on hadn't happened. What would I be like now? I suppose I would be on the boat and maybe we'd be a thousand miles south of Hawaii, and everything would still be blah. It would be a big sack of absolutely nothing, because what threw me off the tracks was the way I was trying so hard to tell myself that it was all loverly. And it wasn't. Oh, Trav, it just wasn't! And c-c-couldn't ever b-bb-b...”
”Blub?”
”Oh, G.o.d. And I put in so much time on my eyes. Look at me.”
”I am looking at you.”
”I don't mean look at me the way you're looking at me.”
”If it's bothering you, go back out the door, take five and come in again and we'll start over, Lou Ellen.”
”I'm in here now. It's a lot of trouble.”
”You shouldn't have done that eye-to-eye thing with me.”
”There's a whole list of things I never should have done.”
”I've got a longer list.”
”Oh, what the h.e.l.l, Travis. What the h.e.l.l, darling.”
I remember that my mind, adrift and afloat amid our busy-ness, went all the way back to Biscayne Bay, to the time when I was toting her back to Daddy, when she sat huddled and miserable on the bow deck of the Busted Flush and I had felt a wistful l.u.s.t when I looked at the shape of the la.s.s in her white shorts. That and other memories of her were strangely merged with the sweet and immediate realities of her, the here-and-nowness of her, so that I seemed to live in the past and present all at once.
After a little while she cried out, and after that there was no room or time for memories. All the old nostalgia became the immediate and heated nimbleness, the present need. She was a temptation out of the past, served up on some kind of eternal lazy Susan so that it had come by once again, and this time we had taken it.
We sighed and murmured slowly back from all that lifting effort, made ourselves comfortable on tumbled bedding, s.h.i.+fted weights and pressures. ”Umm,” she said. And, ”Hey now.” And, ”Umm,” again. She stretched and turned and kissed and sagged back again. Her eyes were very bright. ”I was going to fake it anyway,” she said.
”Run that through again?”
”I mean I decided that it would be only fair you should have the idea it really got to me.”
”What do you mean, fair?”
”As long as I was using you.”
”Premeditation?”
”d.a.m.n right. Except it took me practically three hours to work up enough nerve. You never had a chance, McGee.”
”I didn't?”
”Of course not! I know how I am. Now that we both know something funny was happening in my head, you'd go back to Florida and I would probably think about getting divorced from Howie, and I would see him and probably move back aboard the boat, and we'd keep on cruising and I'd go all weird again. It's too scary. I can't go through all that again. Not ever. So there's just one thing that would keep me from going back to him. And we just finished that one thing, and it was really beautiful. I wanted to do it with you a thousand years ago and you wouldn't. You were pretty stuffy about it.”
”I tend to get stuffy about statutory rape. It's one of my character defects.”
I turned her, stroked the fine smooth curves of her, all warm damp with prior effort, and snuffed the natural perfume of her brown hair.
”Do you mind if I sort of used you?” she asked.