Part 6 (1/2)
The leaven which animated my existence is gone: the charm which cheered me in the gloom of night, and aroused me from my morning slumbers, is forever fled.
I have found but one being here to interest me, a Miss B----. She resembles you, my dear Charlotte, if any one can possibly resemble you.
”Ah!” you will say, ”he has learned how to pay fine compliments.” And this is partly true. I have been very agreeable lately, as it was not in my power to be otherwise. I have, moreover, a deal of wit: and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better, or falsehoods you will add; since the one accomplishment invariably accompanies the other. But I must tell you of Miss B----. She has abundance of soul, which flashes from her deep blue eyes. Her rank is a torment to her, and satisfies no one desire of her heart. She would gladly retire from this whirl of fas.h.i.+on, and we often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed happiness in distant scenes of rural retirement: and then we speak of you, my dear Charlotte; for she knows you, and renders homage to your merits; but her homage is not exacted, but voluntary,--she loves you, and delights to hear you made the subject of conversation.
Oh that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room, with the dear children playing around us! If they became troublesome to you, I would tell them some appalling goblin story; and they would crowd round me with silent attention. The sun is setting in glory; his last rays are s.h.i.+ning on the snow, which covers the face of the country: the storm is over, and I must return to my dungeon. Adieu! Is Albert with you? and what is he to you? G.o.d forgive the question.
Feb. 8.
For a week past we have had the most wretched weather: but this to me is a blessing; for, during my residence here, not a single fine day has beamed from the heavens but has been lost to me by the intrusion of somebody. During the severity of rain, sleet, frost, and storm, I congratulate myself that it cannot be worse in-doors than abroad, nor worse abroad than it is within doors; and so I become reconciled.
When the sun rises bright in the morning, and promises a glorious day, I never omit to exclaim, ”There, now, they have another blessing from Heaven, which they will be sure to destroy: they spoil everything,--health, fame, happiness, amus.e.m.e.nt; and they do this generally through folly, ignorance, or imbecility, and always, according to their own account, with the best intentions!” I could often beseech them, on my bended knees, to be less resolved upon their own destruction.
Feb. 17.
I fear that my amba.s.sador and I shall not continue much longer together. He is really growing past endurance. He transacts his business in so ridiculous a manner that I am often compelled to contradict him, and do things my own way; and then, of course, he thinks them very ill done. He complained of me lately on this account at court; and the minister gave me a reprimand,--a gentle one, it is true, but still a reprimand. In consequence of this I was about to tender my resignation, when I received a letter, to which I submitted with great respect, on account of the high, n.o.ble, and generous spirit which dictated it. He endeavoured to soothe my excessive sensibility, paid a tribute to my extreme ideas of duty, of good example, and of perseverance in business, as the fruit of my youthful ardour,--an impulse which he did not seek to destroy, but only to moderate, that it might have proper play and be productive of good. So now I am at rest for another week, and no longer at variance with myself. Content and peace of mind are valuable things: I could wish, my dear friend, that these precious jewels were less transitory.
Feb. 20.
G.o.d bless you, my dear friends, and may he grant you that happiness which he denies to me!
I thank you, Albert, for having deceived me. I waited for the news that your wedding-day was fixed; and I intended on that day, with solemnity, to take down Charlotte's profile from the walls, and to bury it with some other papers I possess. You are now united, and her picture still remains here. Well, let it remain! Why should it not? I know that I am still one of your society, that I still occupy a place uninjured in Charlotte's heart, that I hold the second place therein; and I intend to keep it. Oh, I should become mad if she could forget!
Albert, that thought is h.e.l.l! Farewell, Albert,--farewell, angel of heaven,--farewell, Charlotte!
March 15.
I have just had a sad adventure, which will drive me away from here. I lose all patience! Death! It is not to be remedied; and you alone are to blame, for you urged and impelled me to fill a post for which I was by no means suited. I have now reason to be satisfied, and so have you!
But, that you may not again attribute this fatality to my impetuous temper, I send you, my dear sir, a plain and simple narration of the affair, as a mere chronicler of facts would describe it.
The Count of O---- likes and distinguishes me. It is well known, and I have mentioned this to you a hundred times. Yesterday I dined with him.
It is the day on which the n.o.bility are accustomed to a.s.semble at his house in the evening. I never once thought of the a.s.sembly, nor that we subalterns did not belong to such society. Well, I dined with the count; and after dinner we adjourned to the large hall. We walked up and down together; and I conversed with him, and with Colonel B----, who joined us; and in this manner the hour for the a.s.sembly approached.
G.o.d knows, I was thinking of nothing, when who should enter but the honourable Lady S----, accompanied by her n.o.ble husband and their silly, scheming daughter, with her small waist and flat neck; and, with disdainful looks and a haughty air, they pa.s.sed me by. As I heartily detest the whole race, I determined upon going away; and only waited till the count had disengaged himself from their impertinent prattle, to take leave, when the agreeable Miss B---- came in. As I never meet her without experiencing a heartfelt pleasure, I stayed and talked to her, leaning over the back of her chair, and did not perceive, till after some time, that she seemed a little confused, and ceased to answer me with her usual ease of manner. I was struck with it.
”Heavens!” I said to myself, ”can she, too, be like the rest?” I felt annoyed, and was about to withdraw; but I remained, notwithstanding, forming excuses for her conduct fancying she did not mean it, and still hoping to receive some friendly recognition. The rest of the company now arrived. There was the Baron F----, in an entire suit that dated from the coronation of Francis I.; the Chancellor N----, with his deaf wife; the shabbily dressed I----, whose old-fas.h.i.+oned coat bore evidence of modern repairs: this crowned the whole. I conversed with some of my acquaintances, but they answered me laconically. I was engaged in observing Miss B----, and did not notice that the women were whispering at the end of the room, that the murmur extended by degrees to the men, that Madame S---- addressed the count with much warmth (this was all related to me subsequently by Miss B----); till at length the count came up to me, and took me to the window. ”You know our ridiculous customs,” he said. ”I perceive the company is rather displeased at your being here. I would not on any account”--”I beg your excellency's pardon!” I exclaimed. ”I ought to have thought of this before, but I know you will forgive this little inattention. I was going,” I added, ”some time ago, but my evil genius detained me.” And I smiled and bowed to take my leave. He shook me by the hand, in a manner which expressed everything. I hastened at once from the ill.u.s.trious a.s.sembly, sprang into a carriage, and drove to M----. I contemplated the setting sun from the top of the hill, and read that beautiful pa.s.sage in Homer where Ulysses is entertained by the hospitable herdsmen. This was indeed delightful.
I returned home to supper in the evening. But few persons were a.s.sembled in the room. They had turned up a corner of the tablecloth, and were playing at dice. The good-natured A---- came in. He laid down his hat when he saw me, approached me, and said in a low tone, ”You have met with a disagreeable adventure.” ”I!” I exclaimed. ”The count obliged you to withdraw from the a.s.sembly.” ”Deuce take the a.s.sembly!”
said I. ”I was very glad to be gone.” ”I am delighted,” he added, ”that you take it so lightly. I am only sorry that it is already so much spoken of.” The circ.u.mstance then began to pain me. I fancied that every one who sat down, and even looked at me, was thinking of this incident; and my heart became embittered.
And now I could plunge a dagger into my bosom when I hear myself everywhere pitied, and observe the triumph of my enemies, who say that this is always the case with vain persons, whose heads are turned with conceit, who affect to despise forms and such petty, idle nonsense.
Say what you will of fort.i.tude, but show me the man who can patiently endure the laughter of fools, when they have obtained an advantage over him. 'Tis only when their nonsense is without foundation that one can suffer it without complaint.
March 16.