Part 2 (1/2)
Ma was looking out the kitchen window, and she give Grandpa a nod. ”Yes indeedy. Here he comes now.”
Sure enough, we could see ol' Bixbee hotfooting up the walk.
Ma went through the parlor to the front doora”meaning to head him off, I reckona”but he fooled her and came around the back way. Pa got to the kitchen door too late, on account of Bixbee already had it and his mouth open at the same time.
”Morning, Jethro,” he said, in that treacle-and-mola.s.ses voice of his.
”And a sad grievous morning it is, too! I purely hate disturbing you so early on this sorrowful occasion, but it looks like today's another scorcher.” He pulled out a tape measure. ”Best if I got the measurements so's to get on with the arrangements. Heat like this, the sooner we get everything boxed and squared away the better, if you take my meaninga””
”Sorry,” said Pa, blocking the doorway so ol' Bixbee couldn't peek inside. ”Needs be you come back later.”
”How much later?”
”Can't say for sure. We ain't rightly made up our minds as yet.”
”Well, don't dilly-dally too long,” Bixbee said. ”I'm liable to run short of ice.”
Then Pa shut the door on him and he took off. When Ma come back from the parlor, Pa made a sign for her to keep her gap shut, but of course that didn't stop Grandpa.
”What was that all about?” he asked.
”Purely a social call.”
”Since when?” Grandpa looked suspicious. ”Ol' Bixbee ain't n.o.body's frienda”him with his high-toned airs! Calls hisself a Southern planter. Shucks, he ain't nothing but an undertaker.”
”That's right Grandpa,” said sister Susie. ”He come to fit you for your coffin.”
”Coffin?” Grandpa reared up in his seat like a hog caught in a bobwire fence. ”What in bo-diddley blazes do I need with a coffin?”
”Because you're dead.”
Just like that she come out with it. Ma and Pa was both ready to take after her but Grandpa laughed fit to bust.
”Holy hen tracks, childa”what on earth give you an idee like that?”
Pa moved in on Susie, taking off his belt, but Ma shook her head. Then she nodded to Grandpa.
”It's true. You pa.s.sed on last night. Don't you recol lect?”
”Ain't nothing wrong with my memory,” Grandpa told her.
”I had one me one of my spells, is all.”
Ma fetched a sigh. ”Wasn't just no spell this time.”
”A fit, mebbe?”
”More'n that. You was took so bad, Pa had to drag Doc Snodgra.s.s out of his officea”busted up the game right in the middle of a three-dollar pot. Didn't do no good, though. By the time he got here you was gone.”
”But I ain't gone! I'm here.”
Pa spoke up. ”Now don't git up on your high horse, Grandpa. We all saw you. We're witnesses.”
”Witnesses?” Grandpa hiked his galluses like he always did when he got riled. ”What kind of talk is that?
You aim to hold a jury trial to decide if I'm alive or dead?”
”But Grandpaa””
”Save your sa.s.s, sonny.” Grandpa stood up. ”Ain't n.o.body got a right to put me six feet under *thout my say-so.”
”Where you off to?” Ma asked.
”Where I go evvy morning,” Grandpa said. ”Gonna set on the front porch and watch the sights.”
Durned if he didn't do just that, leaving us behind in the kitchen.
”Wouldn't that frost you?” Ma said. She crooked a finger at the stove. ”Here I went and pulled up half the greens in the garden, just planning my spread for after the funeral. I already told folks we'd be serving possum stew. What will the neighbors think?”
Don't you go fret now,” Pa said. ”Mebbe he ain't dead after all.”
Ma made a face. ”We know different. He's just being persnickety.” She nudged at Pa. ”Only one think to do. You go fetch Doc Snodgra.s.s. Tell him he'd best sashay over here right quick and settle this matter once and for all.”
”Reckon so,” Pa said, and went out the back way. Ma looked at me and sister Susie.
”You kids go out on the porch and keep Grandpa company.
See that he stays put till the Doc gets here.”
”Yessum,” said Susie, and we traipsed out of there.
Sure enough Grandpa set in his rocker, big as life, squinting at cars over the road and watching the drivers cuss when they tried to steer around our hogs.
”Lookee here!” he said, pointing. ”See that fat feller in the Hupmobile? He came barreling down the road like a bat outa h.e.l.la”must of been doing thirty mile an hour. *Fore he could stop, ol' Bessie poked out of the weeds right in front of him and run that car clean into the ditch. I swear I never seen anything so comical in all my life!”
Susie shook her head. ”But you ain't alive, Grandpa.”
”Now don't you start in on that again, here!” Grandpa looked at her, disgusted, and Susie shut up.
Right then Doc Snodgra.s.s come driving up front in his big Ess.e.x and parked alongside ol' Bessie's pork b.u.t.t. Doc and Pa got out and moseyed up to the porch. They was jawing away something fierce and I could see Doc shaking his head like he purely disbelieved what Pa was telling him.
Then Doc noticed Grandpa setting there, and he stopped cold in his tracks. His eyes bugged out.
”Jumping Jehosephat!” he said to Grandpa. ”What you doing here?”
”What's it look like?” Grandpa told him. ”Can't a man set on his own front porch and rock in peace?”
”Rest in peace, that's what you should be doing,” said Doc. ”When I examined you last night you were deader'n a dor nail!”
”And you were drunker'n a coot, I reckon,” Grandpa said.