Part 23 (2/2)
”I don't want to close them. I'm afraid.”
”Oh, be afraida” he lowered his voice to corn-husky. ”Be very afraid. But close your eyes anyway.”
”No.”
He kissed her. In the driveway, in full view of the world, leaned in and kissed her against the car, smiling, happy, holding her hand. ”I've got a present for you upstairs.”
She looked up to his windows. ”What is it?”
”It's a surprise. Why so much talking? Close your eyes, and in ten seconds you'll see.”
”Is it a puppy?”
”No.” He put his hand over her face. Closing her eyes finally, she allowed him to lead her across the courtyard to the steps.
”Is it a boat?”
”A boat? Careful, hold on to the railing here.”
”Is it aatelevision?”
”You need a television, Larissa?”
”Is it aapair of shoes?”
”Yes, because that's me. A shoe shopper.”
”Is ita?”
”Just go on up, two more steps. You'll see.”
”Will it make me happy?”
”Well, I suppose you'll let me know in about five seconds. Keep *em closed. We're almost inside. It's very important you keep them closed. Otherwise you'll ruin the surprise.”
”Is the present in the surprise, or in the actual present itself?”
”I don't know how to answer that. In both?” Not trusting her, he put his hand over her face as he led her across the threshold, past the entryway, slowly across his wood floor.
”Will it make me cry?”
”You tell me.” The backs of her knees. .h.i.t the side of the bed. ”Without opening your eyes, lie down.”
”Lie down where?”
”On the bed.”
She lay down.
”No, all the way, like you're on the bed. Feet, too.”
She lay down on the bed, feet too. He climbed on top of her, nestling, grinding her, kissing her neck, her mouth. Her arms went around his neck.
”No,” he said quietly, ”Reach up with your arms over your head.”
”Why? I can't touch you?”
”Just reach up, Larissa.”
She reached up with her arms over her head anda Bra.s.s rails!
She opened her eyes, tilted her head back. ”You got me a headboard?” It was a high, curved, sleigh-bed-design bra.s.s headboard with nice thick strong bra.s.s rails.
He was beaming. ”I got you a headboard. And a footboard. Just in case.” He laughed, raising his eyebrows. ”What do you think? You like?”
”Oh, Kaia”
”Does this make you happy? A big bra.s.s bed?”
”Oha”
”Does this make you cry?”
”Oha”
”Grab on, baby,” he whispered. ”And hold on tight.”
What is it like to spend your hours in deceit? There is no gesture big or small, no word big or small, no thought, no breath that can be made with a clear, unmanipulated heart. The vigilance is 24/7. There is nothing that can, or must, escape your attention.
She was afraid of Kai's smell in her car. What if someone had seen her on the back of his bike like a skull and cross-bones flag flying down to the Deserted Village, wind in her hair? What if she bought something in a place she wasn't supposed to be in? What if she bought something she shouldn't have bought, a see-through bra Jared had never seen, a black silk thong to drive a man to distraction? What if she was gaining weight from the sus.h.i.+ she kept having in Kai's bed, and the ice cream from his freezer, and the sugar in the two cups of coffee with cream she drank with him? What if she left a receipt for the sus.h.i.+, a wrapper from a gum she didn't chew, a piece of candy she didn't eat on the floor of her car? What if a CD in the changer was one she never listened to?
What ifa”and this was a frightening what ifa”Jared opened the statement from her gynecologist and examined the details more thoroughly than usual and saw that in addition to an exam and a blood test and a cervical smear there was also a script for a six-month supply of birth control, matched by the billing statement for the prescription account they paid into? How could she explain to Jared that suddenly at forty she decided to go back on the pill as if she were a s.l.u.tty college student without a boyfriend? What did married women who hadn't been on the pill in seventeen years need to be on the pill for? Last time she was on the pill was before Emily was born. Now, she kept that pink wheel of 28 mother's little helpers hidden deep inside her cosmetic drawer, in a blue silk bag that contained the suede brush.
Can you hide? Isn't anyone watching? Thank G.o.d no one was watching, and you could maintain the sh.e.l.l of what was, though all the things that made you you had gone, replaced by another heart that beat and pumped blood for someone else.
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