Part 17 (2/2)
”This work is important now, Charlie. Not only to the world and millions of unknown people, but to you. Charlie, you've got to solve this thing for yourself as well. Don't let anyone tie your hands.”
”So, now the truth comes out,” I teased. ”You'd like me to see less of her.”
”That's not what I said.”
”It's what you meant. If she's interfering with my work we both know I've got to cut her out of my life.”
”No, I don't think you should cut her out of your life. She's good for you. You need a woman who's been around as she has.”
”You would be good for me.”
She turned her face away. ”Not in the same way she is.” She looked back at me. ”I came here tonight prepared to hate her. I wanted to see her as a vile, stupid wh.o.r.e you'd gotten mixed up with, and I had big plans about coming between you and saving you from her in spite of yourself. But now that I've met her, I realize I have no right to judge her behavior. I think she's good for you. So that really lets the air out of me. I like her even if I disapprove. But in spite of that, if you've got to drink with her and spend all of your time with her in night clubs and cabarets dancing, then she's in your way. And that's a problem only you can solve.”
”Another one of those?” I laughed.
”Are you up to this one? You're deeply involved with her. I can tell.”
”Not all that deep.”
”Have you told her about yourself?”
”No.”
Imperceptibly, I could see her relax. By keeping the secret about myself, I had somehow not committed myself to Fay completely. We both knew that, wonderful as she was, Fay would never understand.
”I needed her,” I said, ”and in a way she needed me, and living right across from each other, well it was just handy, that's all. But I wouldn't call it love-not the same thing that exists between us.”
She looked down at her hands and frowned. ”I'm not sure I know what does exist between us.”
”Something so deep and significant that Charlie inside me is terrified whenever there seems to be any chance of my making love to you.”
”And not with her?”
I shrugged. ”That's how I know it's not important with her. It doesn't mean enough for Charlie to panic.”
”Great!” she laughed. ”And ironic as h.e.l.l. When you talk about him that way, I hate him for coming between us. Do you think he'll ever let you ... let us...”
”I don't know. I hope so.”
I left her at the door. We shook hands, and yet, strangely, it was much closer and more intimate than an embrace would have been.
I went home and made love to Fay, but kept thinking of Alice.
July 27-Working around the clock. Over Fay's protests, I've had a cot moved into the lab. She's become too possessive and resentful of my work. I think she could tolerate another woman, but not this complete absorption in something she can't follow. I was afraid it would come to this, but I have no patience with her now. I'm jealous of every moment away from the work-impatient with anyone who tries to steal my time.
Though most of my writing time is spent on notes which I keep in a separate folder, from time to time I have to put down my moods and thoughts out of sheer habit.
The calculus of intelligence is a fascinating study. In a sense this is the problem I've been concerned with all my life. Here is the place for the application of all the knowledge I have acquired.
Time a.s.sumes another dimension now-work and absorption in the search for an answer. The world around me and my past seem far away and distorted, as if time and s.p.a.ce were taffy being stretched and looped and twisted out of shape. The only real things are the cages and the mice and the lab equipment here on the fourth floor of the main building.
There is no night or day. I've got to cram a lifetime of research into a few weeks. I know I should rest, but I can't until I know the truth about what is happening.
Alice is a great help to me now. She brings me sandwiches and coffee, but she makes no demands.
About my perception: everything is sharp and clear, each sensation heightened and illuminated so that reds and yellows and blues glow. Sleeping here has a strange effect. The odors of the laboratory animals, dogs, monkeys, mice, spin me back into memories, and it is difficult to know whether I am experiencing a new sensation or recalling the past. It is impossible to tell what proportion is memory and what exists here and now-so that a strange compound is formed of memory and reality; past and present; response to stimuli stored in my brain centers, and response to stimuli in this room. It's as if all the things I've learned have fused into a crystal universe spinning before me so that I can see all the facets of it reflected in gorgeous bursts of light....
A monkey sitting in the center of his cage, staring at me out of sleepy eyes, rubbing his cheeks with little old-man shriveled hands ... chee ... cheee ... cheeeee... chee ... cheee ... cheeeee... and bouncing off the cage wire, up to the swing overhead where the other monkey sits staring dumbly into s.p.a.ce. Urinating, defecating, pa.s.sing wind, staring at me and laughing ... and bouncing off the cage wire, up to the swing overhead where the other monkey sits staring dumbly into s.p.a.ce. Urinating, defecating, pa.s.sing wind, staring at me and laughing ... cheeee ... cheeeee ... cheeeee.... cheeee ... cheeeee ... cheeeee....
And bouncing around, leap, hop, up around and down, he swings and tries to grab the other monkey's tail, but the one on the bar keeps swis.h.i.+ng it away, without fuss, out of his grasp. Nice monkey ... pretty monkey ... with big eyes and swishy tail. Can I feed him a peanut?...No, the man'll holler. That sign says do not feed the animals. That's a chimpanzee. Can I pet him? No. I want to pet the chip-a-zee. Never mind, come and look at the elephants.
Outside, crowds of bright suns.h.i.+ny people are dressed in spring.
Algernon lies in his own dirt, unmoving, and the odors are stronger than ever before. And what about me?
July 28-Fay has a new boy friend. I went home last night to be with her. I went to my room first to get a bottle and then headed over on the fire escape. But fortunately I looked before going in. They were together on the couch. Strange, I don't really care. It's almost a relief.
I went back to the lab to work with Algernon. He has moments out of his lethargy. Periodically, he will run a s.h.i.+fting maze, but when he fails and finds himself in a dead-end, he reacts violently. When I got down to the lab, I looked in. He was alert and came up to me as if he knew me. He was eager to work, and when I set him down through the trap door in the wire mesh of the maze, he moved swiftly along the pathways to the reward box. Twice he ran the maze successfully. The third time, he got halfway through, paused at an intersection, and then with a twitching movement took the wrong turn. I could see what was going to happen, and I wanted to reach down and take him out before he ended up in a blind alley. But I restrained myself and watched.
When he found himself moving along the unfamiliar path, he slowed down, and his actions became erratic: start, pause, double back, turn around and then forward again, until finally he was in the cul-de-sac that informed him with a mild shock that he had made a mistake. At this point, instead of turning back to find an alternate route, he began to move in circles, squeaking like a phonograph needle scratched across the grooves. He threw himself against the walls of the maze, again and again, leaping up, twisting over backwards and falling, and throwing himself again. Twice he caught his claws in the overhead wire mesh, screeching wildly, letting go, and trying hopelessly again. Then he stopped and curled himself up into a small, tight ball.
When I picked him up, he made no attempt to uncurl, but remained in that state much like a catatonic stupor. When I moved his head or limbs, they stayed like wax. I put him back into his cage and watched him until the stupor wore off and he began to move around normally.
What eludes me is the reason for his regression-is it a special case? An isolated reaction? Or is there some general principle of failure basic to the whole procedure? I've got to work out the rule.
If I can find that out, and if it adds even one jot of information to whatever else has been discovered about mental r.e.t.a.r.dation and the possibility of helping others like myself, I will be satisfied. Whatever happens to me, I will have lived a thousand normal lives by what I might add to others not yet born.
That's enough.
July 31-I'm on the edge of it. I sense it. They all think I'm killing myself at this pace, but what they don't understand is that I'm living at a peak of clarity and beauty I never knew existed. Every part of me is attuned to the work. I soak it up into my pores during the day, and at night-in the moments before I pa.s.s off into sleep-ideas explode into my head like fireworks. There is no greater joy than the burst of solution to a problem.
Incredible that anything could happen to take away this bubbling energy, the zest that fills everything I do. It's as if all the knowledge I've soaked in during the past months has coalesced and lifted me to a peak of light and understanding. This is beauty, love, and truth all rolled into one. This is joy. And now that I've found it, how can I give it up? Life and work are the most wonderful things a man can have. I am in love with what I am doing, because the answer to this problem is right here in my mind, and soon-very soon-it will burst into consciousness. Let me solve this one problem. I pray G.o.d it is the answer I want, but if not I will accept any answer at all and try to be grateful for what I had.
Fay's new boy friend is a dance instructor from the Stardust Ballroom. I can't really blame her since I have so little time to be with her.
<script>