Part 22 (2/2)

”Yes.”

”But how did you know that? When you were still hallucinating all the time, how did you know that anything existed other than the craziness inside your head?”

”I made myself remember. There were all these constant disconnected ideas and images swirling around like things picked up in a tornado or something, but every now and then, something would fly past and I'd think, there it is; that's real. Hang on to that.”

Tanner said, ”Let me see if I understand. You're saying in the midst of your insane hallucinations, you decided to believe that some of it was real. You sorted through months of delusions and picked out a few thoughts or memories or whatever, and based on nothing but your instincts, or your intuition, you decided those few things were real and actual. And you decided to hang on to those things, and that decision is what brought you back.”

He leaned to his right, placed his elbow on the arm of the chair, and rested his temple on his fist. He considered me that way for a few seconds, as if I was a mildly interesting specimen.

Finally he said, ”In the middle of the craziness you decided to believe something was real, not because you had solid evidence but simply because you needed to, and that decision saved you, actually in fact and in reality saved you, and now you're seriously sitting there and telling me you have no use for faith?”

I stared at a spot on the wall beyond his head. When he put it that way, my logic did seem a little out of whack. ”Like I said, I've been mixed up.”

”There's no shame in it, Malcolm. Grief will do that to a man.”

”I let her down, Bud. She was counting on me, and I let her down.”

”Are you talking about Haley Lane again?”

”I let her die.”

”As I understand it, you were completely incapacitated.”

”It doesn't matter.”

”What are you talking about? Of course it matters. You do know that, don't you?”

I found I couldn't speak.

”Malcolm?” said Tanner. ”Malcolm?”

I shook my head and covered my eyes with the palm of my right hand.

He leaned over and put a hand on my knee. ”What was this woman to you?”

It took another moment before I trusted myself to speak. ”What we talk about in here, it's confidential?”

”I'm not a priest, and this isn't a confessional, but unless I'm ordered to reveal the details of this conversation, you have my word it won't go any further.”

”She was my wife.”

He leaned back in his chair and stared at me. ”You and Haley Lane were married?”

I nodded.

”Oh, Malcolm. I'm so sorry.”

I had nothing to say.

After a few moments, he said, ”You know, the press seems like it's got nothing better to do than dig up dirt on that whole Hollywood crowd, and the Hollywood people seem to make it easy for them. But I don't think I've ever heard a single negative thing about her.”

I said, ”I wish you could have known her, Bud. She was magnificent.”

”Seems like I remember reading that she did a lot of charity work.”

”People have no idea how much she did.”

He nodded. ”Okay, Malcolm, here's what you do. A couple of things, actually. You listening?”

”Yes. Please.”

”Okay, first and absolutely nonnegotiable is this. You go on. It doesn't matter what happens, you go on. No more of this suicide-by-bad-guy nonsense. If a hostile comes at you, then you defend yourself, all right?”

”Okay.”

”You must realize a fine woman like your wife would not be happy with anything less than that.”

Hearing him put it that way, I knew he was right. Haley would have been furious. I said, ”I do know that, yes.”

”Good. So that's number one. And here's number two: start trusting in the big things again. Call it instinct or faith, whatever makes you comfortable, but you were put here for a reason, Malcolm. There is such a thing as right, and there is such a thing as wrong. That's the truth, and in your heart you know the difference. Don't let what happened make you think the main thing is which way the wind blows, or whether the rain is coming down. There's a truth that's bigger than all that. It saved your sanity, and it's always there and totally available to you, so you press into that.”

”How?”

”That's up to you. Just start with something that seems natural and see how it goes.”

On the drive back up to Newport Beach, my head throbbed and my ribs ached, but I felt strangely serene. I thought about what Bud had said. Just start with something natural and see how it goes. I thought of how few people I had known in my life who were comfortable enough with me to just sit with me in silence, and Simon and Teru did. I remembered something from the Bible, words Haley had quoted to me on the day we married: ”It is not good for man to be alone.” I remembered something else, maybe it was William Blake: ”The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friends.h.i.+p.”

An idea drifted by. I reached out and took it. I decided it might be truth. I decided it might be excellent.

28.

Rolling up the driveway at El Nido, I saw Teru coming my way in a white Porsche Carrera. It was almost dark, so he was headed home. We stopped alongside each other. He rolled down his window. I said, ”New car?”

He grinned. ”Just bought it this morning. It's ten years old, but the mileage is low.”

”Sensible yet entertaining. Haley would like it.”

”Yeah, I think she would.”

”Speaking of what she would like, I have a proposition to discuss, if you've got a few minutes.”

Teru turned the Porsche around and followed me to the main house. We parked by the front fountain and went around the side. Simon somehow knew we were coming. He opened the door before I could ring the bell.

Sitting with the two of them at the kitchen table, I said, ”So I was thinking, what if I did keep this place?”

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