Part 13 (1/2)
Like I'm drowning, I thought silently. ”I'm sad a lot, probably more sad than I was right after he died.”
He picked up a pen and drummed it steadily on the desk. ”People grieve differently, and there's no exact time frame for how long it takes to get over a loss. You may have been in survival mode after losing your dad, and you suppressed the pain.”
”I guess that makes sense. After he died, I was more worried about my sister than dealing with what it meant to live without him. My mother is ...” Explaining my mother would be like teaching a child about nuclear fusion; there was no way to put into a few words what she was like. More importantly, I couldn't detail how she made me feel. ”My mother is selfish. Don't get me wrong, she was devastated over losing my dad, but instead of turning to my sister and me for comfort, she became hardened and lashed out at us every chance she got. Maybe it's because my sister and I look so much like our dad and we were a painful reminder of what she lost. We had to learn how to cope on our own.”
”How are you coping now?”
The question was almost laughable. ”I don't know, probably not well. I feel like part of me died with my father and maybe I'm only half existing in this world.” I was surprised by the honesty of my answer. Actually, I couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to Parker. It was as if I had all this stuff bottled up inside and finally found an outlet to get it out.
”Have you found yourself retreating because of this feeling?”
”I guess I've checked out lately. Things that used to be important to me don't seem to matter as much. My grades have taken a nosedive, and I wonder if I should even bother coming back next year to finish my degree. I used to have fun going out with my friends, but now I don't have any motivation to be social.
”But what makes me mad is that everyone around me thinks I have a choice. I don't want to be this way. I fight against these depressed feelings each day, but I'm losing.” I was losing so much more than fat in the past months. I was losing my ident.i.ty and becoming someone unrecognizable in the mirror.
He put his pen down and leaned slightly back in his chair. ”What made you decide you needed help dealing with your emotions?”
”I've been dating someone since February. Cameron makes me feel like, if I just allowed myself to get over my c.r.a.p, I could be really happy with him. He has all the same qualities I admired in my dad; he's smart, thoughtful, and funny. But because of all of the doubts in my head, I can't give myself fully to him. And I want to. I want to so badly I hate myself for not being the girl he deserves.” My fingers nervously twisted the hem of my s.h.i.+rt as I spoke. The embarra.s.sment I had expected over confessing my inadequacies was nonexistent.
We talked for the full hour about my family and Cameron. Time flew by as I divulged information about my crumbling relations.h.i.+ps. Parker took a few notes, but mostly he asked me questions to prompt me to talk. I was candid-to a point. I had resolved beforehand to not talk about my diet, and I kept that promise. I had an irrational fear if I confessed how far I was willing to go to stay skinny Parker would try to have me committed for my own safety. I'd taken my Pro-Ana friends' advice very seriously: Never let anyone know the truth about how I was able to stay thin.
Since the semester was drawing to a close, Parker recommended I see him once a week until summer break. It would only mean two more sessions, but he said I could continue therapy with another counselor back home. He also wanted me to learn how to cope with my grief. He gave me some information on bereavement groups I could attend, saying talking about my loss with others could help me heal. When I admitted I hadn't visited my father's gravesite since his funeral, he suggested I find a way to learn how to accept he was gone. I could go to the cemetery, or maybe write my father a letter to express how I'd been feeling.
When I left the student health services building, I felt lighter, no longer hindered by some of my depressed thoughts. Maybe the tide was finally turning for me; I had won Cameron back, and I was finally talking to someone about my problems. It didn't matter that I wasn't being totally forthcoming with Parker; a man wouldn't understand how important it was to be slender and beautiful. Instead of listening to others' voices about how I should eat, I would make my own choices.
My good mood didn't fade, not even when I saw it was my mother calling my cell phone. ”h.e.l.lo,” I chirped as I walked back toward my room.
”h.e.l.lo darling, glad to finally catch you. Have you been avoiding my calls?”
”No, of course not,” I lied easily. ”I've been overwhelmed with term papers.”
”Well, at least I know it's not me. Lila said you haven't spoken with her since she visited.”
I would have to rectify things with Lila immediately. I'd been furious after Cameron told me about Lila's part in revealing my secrets to him. After dodging her calls and emails for a whole week, I decided to let go of my grudge. I'd have to call Lila and let her know I forgave her for going to Cameron behind my back.
”Just been busy,” I said.
”Good, I was worried something happened between the two of you while she was with you. She hid out in her room for days when she came back, and the only times I saw her she had a sour look on her face. I swear, Kayla, you have no idea what it's like to raise moody girls. Pray for boys when you have children,” she said condescendingly.
I rolled my eyes as I sidestepped a group of students walking in the opposite direction. ”Was there a reason for your call?”
”No need to get snippy, Kayla. It wouldn't kill you to call me every once in a while. I am a widow with only a sullen teenage girl for company.”
I groaned. I should've figured she'd manipulate me with the guilt card. My mom had a way of always making me culpable for her erratic moods. ”Let's not fight; I don't have the energy for it. How are you, Mom?”
”I'm okay enough, I suppose. I did get asked out on a date the other day while I was at the bank.”
I wasn't sure why she was sharing this news. Men were constantly asking her out, regardless of her wedding ring. My father had almost come to blows more than once over a man trying to seduce my mother in his presence. In spite of her flaws, I believed she'd been faithful to my father. After his death, her misery was authentic enough I imagined no one would ever be able to replace him in her heart.
”Are you interested in dating?” I wasn't overly concerned about my mom entering the dating pool. I was more concerned about the poor man she managed to ensnare.
”I didn't think so, but I'm still in my forties. It's awfully young to spend the rest of my life alone. And Jake is very handsome! His family comes from money, too, so he drives a fabulous-looking Mercedes.” Her voice rose to a high pitch and I could tell how excited she was. Maybe this development was a good thing. A new romance could put less pressure on Lila and me to maintain her impossible standards. To say the least, I wasn't looking forward to a summer at home and under her thumb.
”So, did you agree to go out with him?” I unlocked the outer door to the dorm with my card and pounded upstairs. My roommates' doors were all shut; it was still early enough they were likely still sleeping off the night before.
”We exchanged numbers, but I'm unsure. He's handsome and he has a job at a trading firm in New York, but he's a teensy bit younger than me.”
”How much younger?” I was automatically suspicious.
After a lengthy pause, she said, ”He's twenty-five.”
I stopped in front of my door. ”Mom, that's only four years older than me!”
”Well, it's not my fault I don't look my age. I'm not going to be ashamed younger men still find me attractive,” she huffed. ”I was honest about my age. If he doesn't have a problem with it, why should you?”
Slowly, I drew a breath in, feeling the air expand my lungs, taking the time to calm myself. ”It's your life, Mom, but Lila is still at home with you. How do you think she's going to react if you introduce her to a guy that's practically her age?”
”I'll introduce her when I'm ready. Give me some credit, Kayla, I'm not going to simply bring strange men into my home and allow them to be around my daughter. If things get serious, then he can meet you both.” Oh lord, I thought, that wouldn't be awkward at all.
”That's good to hear.”
”How's your love life? Are you still involved with that idiotic boy?”
”Mom, you've made it perfectly clear you don't like him. Can you try not to resort to name-calling?” I had a few choice names to call her after her admission of dating someone decades younger, but my obedience was still too ingrained to say them.
”I'm your mother; shouldn't I tell you when I think you can do better? He may be marginally good looking.” I tightened my grip on the phone. ”But he was rude and disrespectful to your family. Not only that, how well off could he be? I can't imagine a credit card rep makes nearly enough money.”
I reached for the aspirin on my dresser. I kept it on hand for my headaches, and a new one was starting. ”Mom, do we have to argue the entire time we talk? Can't we have a normal conversation for once?”
My mom made an unpleasant noise, but finally sighed in defeat. ”Fine. The other reason I called was to make sure you were coming home for Lila's prom next weekend. I'd like us to take some family pictures. We haven't had any since before your father died.”
”Yes, of course I'll be there.”
A couple of minutes later, I was finally able to hang up. I felt spent, and the good mood that followed my counseling appointment had vanished. In my head, I had a backbone, and I imagined telling my mother to stay the h.e.l.l out of my life. But in reality, I still let her put doubts into my head. It was going to be a long summer at home.
Chapter Twenty-Three.
”Remind me again why I'm helping you move farther away from me?” Cameron grunted as he carried another box toward the front of my house.
”Because you're the best boyfriend ever,” I supplied, trailing behind him carrying more of my belongings.
He shook his head. ”No, the best boyfriend would throw you over his shoulder and drag you back to his place.”