Part 13 (1/2)
The next mornin' grandpa Huff said to the breakfast table that he did wish he had someone to read to him that day, everybody wuz goin' to the Fair and he wuz goin' to be left alone. So Blandina, clever creeter that she is, said she would stay and read to him from his favorite volume, Foxe's Book of Martyr's, and also from Lamentations and Job. Billy said his grandpa wuz never happy only when he wuz perfectly miserable. We have all seen such folks.
So Josiah and I sot off alone, and he bein' in good sperits and bein' gin to new and strange projects, proposed that we should take an ortomobile. I didn't favor the idee and said:
”Id'no about it, Josiah, I feel kinder skairful about ortos, I fear that it might prove our last ride.”
”But,” sez he, ”with a good shuffler there hain't any danger.”
But I still wuz dubersome and sez, ”Mebby it would end by our shufflin' off our mortal coils, as Mr. Shakespeare tells on.”
”You don't wear 'em, Samantha, nor never did, nor I don't wear a pompodoor” (he meant this for a joke for his head is most as bare as a sa.s.s plate).
And he went on, ”It would be a very stylish and genteel ride. I'd love to tell brother Gowdey about it. The bretheren will expect it of me as a live progressive Jonesvillian minglin' here with the n.o.blest in the land to cut sunthin' of a dash.”
But seein' that I still looked dubersome he sez, ”I don't feel very rugged this mornin' and I dread the crowded car; Id'no but I should faint away in 'em if I sot out.”
That of course settled the matter. As his anxious chaperone I consented to the project and he went and got the showiest one he could find. He didn't look for character or stability, only for gildin' and red paint. And we embarked, Josiah with a proud liniment, as if he wuz introducin' me into gay life and fas.h.i.+onable amus.e.m.e.nts. The man wuz to take us to the Fair ground for so much, and Josiah feelin' so neat had paid him in advance, and there wuz another party waitin' for him. And the speed that shuffler put on wuz sunthin' awful.
The first few minutes before we got to goin' that terrific speed Josiah liked it, and seemed to look patronizin'ly down on the people walkin' afoot that we pa.s.sed by and pity 'em. But anon the man got to goin' faster and faster and Josiah's liniment underwent a change and he hollered out to me, for the noise wuz so loud and skairful he had to yell:
”Samantha, I don't believe it is right for members of the meetin' house to be goin' at such a gait.”
And I hollered back to him, ”It hain't none of my doin's, it hain't nothin' I wanted,” I a hangin' onto my bunnet strings and tryin' to keep my bunnet on. As for the tabs of my mantilly I had gin up tryin' to curb 'em down, and they waved out like a pirate's flag in a cyclone only a different color.
Finally Josiah hollered to the shuffler, ”I want you to curb in your machine! I'm a deacon, and have got my station in the Jonesville meetin' house to think on. Hold it in, I say!”
The shuffler glanced round at us as calm as a goggle-eyed clam and never dained to answer, and seemin'ly urged on the orto to redoubled speed.
Oh, the awfulness of the seen! the terrific noise soundin' on my ear pans till it seemed as if them pans must break down, the dirt a flyin', my pardner standin' up with his whiskers and coat tails wavin' in the breeze. His hat blowed off and by almost superhuman exertions I ketched it and carried it in my hand, thinkin' it wuz safer than on his head.
He a yellin', ”Stop, I tell you! Whoa! back up! Dum your dum picter, whoa I say!”
For the last few milds Josiah rid standin' all I could do and say. Yellin' at the shuffler, hollerin' whoa to him, and appealin' to Heaven and me simultaneous as it were, for mercy and succor.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
And that shuffler payin' no more attention to him than as if he wuz a fly, not a hoss fly, but jest a common fly. Only he would look back at us once in awhile through them big goggles of hisen that most curdled my blood to see 'em.
At last Josiah, seemin' to give up all hope, sunk back and grasped holt of my tab and sez, ”Good-bye, Samantha, if you git through alive remember I died tryin' to save you.” His emotions and the dirt choked him, and he faintly added:
”Tell the bretheren and see that it is put in the Jonesville Augur, that I died a hero's death tryin' to save my pardner.” And his grasp on my tabs become almost hysterical.
But at that minute the entrance gate wuz reached and the orto stopped so abruptly, that Josiah who had got up agin, wuz precipitated into my lap. But he got out immegiately, and the minute he and I stepped onto terry firmy he turned and shook his fist at the man and sez he, ”If it wuzn't for the crowd and Samantha's feelin's, I would whip you within an inch of your life! Oh, if I only had you in a ten acre lot you'd feel the wrath of a lion when it wuz rousted up!”
But I laid my hand on him and led him away, I knowed such seens wuz bad for his nerve. He trembled like a popple leaf, and the minute we got through the gate I had to set down with him and deal out four nut-cakes before he wuz himself agin.
I wuz determined this day to go to the Palace of Fine Arts, so we did and I put in a time of almost perfect happiness there. We went into Government Building entrance that day, and I proposed to Josiah that we should stop at Liberal Arts Building on the way, and he at first demurred and sez:
”Samantha, you're too liberal by half now for folks with our means and Id'no as I want you to spend your time in such a display.” He said he would rather take me to the display of Economics, and sez he, wantin' to persuade me to go with him, ”Wimmen has countless virtues, but to my mind her crownin' excelence is to be equinomical.”
But I explained to him that exhibit didn't mean bein' liberal with money but it wuz jest a step behind Fine Arts, and sez I, ”I should think you would want to see the place where this Exposition wuz dedicated in the presence of one of the biggest crowds that wuz ever gathered together.”