Chapter 147 – Performing Blues with Babies (1/2)

Peekaboo!”

The sight of my cute little twins staring back reflected in my eyes.

”...Abwabwah!”

They continued to stare down at me past their small black robes as the sight of them distorted.

”...Pafuuu!”

The distortions continued to build up until I blinked, forcing the distortions down my cheeks before building up again.

”Why?! Just why?!”

I poked the cheeks of my two babies as frustration and helplessness swirled around inside of me.

”Are you still doing that Scarlet my dear?”

Turning behind me, Elli was standing in the doorway.

”What am I doing wrong Elli? I just can't figure it out!”

Anxiety overflowed from me just like the tears down my cheeks.

”What are you even trying to do my dear? Oh, dry your tears. Things can't be as bad as you think it is.”

”That's what I thought, but Alicia and Fate just won't smile! No matter what I do, I can't make them laugh! Is it because I'm a bad mother?! It's that, isn't it? I pushed past how things were supposed to be, and this is the result, isn't it? I'm probably not just a bad mother, but a bad person, aren't I?”

”Now now, Scarlet. Do not believe any of those words. They do not suit you at all.”

Elli pulled me in to her arms and pat my head.

Her warmth made me feel a bit better and the rational part of my mind was able to dispel the worst of those thoughts, but even then, it didn't change the fundamental issue: I wasn't making my babies happy.

”Still, I'm doing something wrong, aren't I? Babies should be bundles of joy. They should be happy! But I can't make my babies happy.”

”It is fine, dear Scarlet. You are not a bad mother.”

”But...but...”

I cried into her chest as I tightened my grip. It felt like Elli was my one solstice at this time, but even then, I understood the more I held onto her like this, the further away I was going from making my precious babies happy.

I was becoming a worse and worse mother.

”It has only been four days since they have been born. Babies cannot yet smile this young.”

”R...really?”

Looking up, the whole world felt dark, yet her eyes felt like they were shining a bit within this darkness.

”I have not lied. It was the same for all my children, and the others I helped care for.”

Hearing the words of such an experienced woman, it helped to force down the anxiety that had been building up in me.

(But still...)

It was a different case of actually being fully convinced. Just because Alicia and Fate weren't capable of smiling, it didn't mean that they would once they've grown old enough to. And that would be my fault.

Maybe it was even more fundamental than all that. It wasn't how I cheated biology to give birth to them, but how I cheated the reincarnation cycle with Alicia. Or even with myself.

Maybe my actions disqualified me from being a good mother, and because of that my daughters were cursed with being forever unable to smile.

The thought terrified me.

”M, my dear. Please loosen your strength.”

”Ah! Sorry! Sorry...”

I let go of Ellie and retreated back.

Not only was I a bad mother, but I was being a bad friend as well. I didn't deserve all the good wishes which everyone had been giving me these last several days.

”It is fine. And do not lose heart, my dear Scarlet.”

”...”

I couldn't meet Elli's gaze. There was no way I deserved it after what I did.

”I imagine, you feel awful about yourself right now?”

I nodded. There was no point in hiding it. This woman was even more experienced than she looked. She was capable of seeing through almost anything. A far cry from some inadequate newbie like myself.

But having to admit that to such a good person made me feel even worse. Despite all the effort comforting she put in, it wasn't helping. It was as if I was slapping away her helping hand, and I fell down onto the floor. My arms wrapped around my knees. The more I felt bad for myself and how ungrateful I was being, the worse I felt, creating a never ending spiral of self loathing.

”There there, Scarlet. You have done nothing wrong.”

Despite my efforts at looking away from the shining beacon in front of me, Elli wrapped her warm arms around me and pat me on the head.

”What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal.”

”How? How can anything I've done be normal? There's no way someone like me is normal!”

Gripping the back of Elli's shawl, I buried my face into her chest as I let my tears loose.

I had no idea why I was doing this, how things had gotten to this point, but I couldn't hold it back it any more.

Not like I was doing a good job in the first place.

”I've got to be the only mother in the world unable to make her babies happy!”

”Like I had stated, you have done nothing wrong. Your twins are perfectly normal. They are fine. I imagine they are perfectly happy as well.”

”No, you're just saying that!”

”I had said it before. Babies as young as your are unable to yet smile. They simply are unable to express their happiness. If they were not, then they would be crying all the time.”

If what Elli said was true, then it meant that I wasn't so bad of a mother. Alicia and Fate have hardly cried since they were born. In fact, I could count the instances on one hand. Once was when they were each first born, the second and third when they were startled by loud noises on the first day. Once more when Orphne crashed through the door to my room wanting to play with my twins.

(Maybe it's not so bad?)

”Now, I want you to remember these words of mine. What you are feeling is quite common for mothers after they have given birth. It is known as baby blues.”

”Baby blues?”

(What an oxymoronic term.)

”That is right. It is common for a mother to feel down for no reason after they give birth. We call this the baby blues, and it is simply a sign that your body is adjusting to no longer having to carry your babies inside your body.”

”That's...seriously?”

”I am. The feelings will go away on their own after a short while.”

My hand went down to feel my belly. It was still inflated, but had steadily grown smaller.

(Maybe this really is just hormones or something? Hopefully it'll go away by the time this thing has.)

”Just remember that we are here for you. You are not alone. If you ever feel down or helpless, simply step through that door, and you'll quickly find someone who is willing to help you.”

”I see. Thanks.”

”Your welcome. Now look. Your adorable babies seem to be hungry.”

Turning around, both Alicia and Fate were squirming once again.

Not wanting to make them wait, I raised them up with levitation magic before lowering them into my arms. Cradling their heads in my hands, I brought them over to my chest and opened up my robes to allow them to feed.

”Mmm!”

My face contorted slightly at the feeling of both of my babies latching on and my milk dropping out.

Pretty soon, my world was engulfed with their suckling, and much of the darkness faded away.

(Is it the endorphins secreted when I breastfeed?)

Maybe everything I was feeling really was just my hormones going on some weird rampage. If that was the case, it made sense that there would be biological functions to help curb the worst of that.

”See? Is things not as bad as you felt?”

”You're right.”

I was slightly annoyed at Elli bursting into my personal time with my babies, but I couldn't bring myself to actually complain. She's been there for me the entire time. Few people have been there for me as much as she has, and I've been getting quite a lot of support from all sorts of people this last year.

”Still. As like your pregnancy and your birth, your body really takes to having children badly, my dear.”

”Then these baby blues as well?”

”It is certainly worse than most I have seen.”

It really felt like my vampiric body was only technically capable of having children, but in reality was poorly suited towards it. It was really strange.

Humans were already pretty bad at it due to both the large brains and upright bipedal stance. At least that was the only convincing theory I've ever read. Women's hips could only get so wide before causing other trouble, but at the same time the baby's head was quite large compared to other races so they could get as much of a head start in development as possible.

Certainly looking at Alicia and Fate's foreheads, they were enormous compared to any animal, and their skulls would only grow larger as they grew up.

And somehow, vampires took this entire reproduction process even worse than any other race.

It was unfair.

Though maybe I was just some weird exception regarding that.

But if it was, then things were especially unfair, like I was being picked on.

It was probably best I don't go through this process a second time. I'd devote myself to raising Alicia and Fate the best I could then never do it again.

”Ah...”

Almost as one, both Alicia and Fate let go of my nipples.

Together with my milk, that slow trickle of dopamine had stopped, and the warmth that had filled me was slowly escaping my body.

I wanted more. I wanted to keep feeding my cute little babies.

But of course there was a limit to how much they could handle, and I hated that I was trying to put my own desired over their needs.

Maybe I really was a bad mother...

Bam!