Chapter 41 – Beauty and Love (1/2)

Ahem!”

The sudden sound broke me out of my reverie.

Looking up, I saw Philia with her face turned sideways, a fist covering her mouth. But her eyes were turned directly towards me and her cheeks were noticeably rosy.

I wasn't sure how much time I had spent staring at my own reflection, but considering that Philia's cup was empty, it must've been for a significant while. To be enraptured by my own appearance. It didn't feel good at all. I didn't hate myself, but I couldn't say that I liked myself too much either. Calling me a narcissist would've been quite far from the truth, yet I acted just like the character the word came from.

Philia as well, she was trying to be polite, but couldn't stop staring at me. Maxing out the appearance slider all those years ago was probably a bad idea. Thinking about normal distribution, the vast majority of people would fall under average, or slightly above or below average. Outliers would likely only be a bit further from that, yet I put myself at the very end of the scale.

How rare was that? One in a million? A billion? Even rarer than that?

In this world with it's low technology level, the population would probably be low as well in comparison to Earth. If the rarity was one in a billion or even more than that, it was possible that there wasn't a single person as attractive as I was. If worse came to worse, then it was possible that not only was I completely unique on that front, but there weren't even any people that came close.

The very thought wasn't encouraging at all. Beauty had a power of it's own. A person with the right skills and sufficient will could easily weaponize it. On the other hand, someone without enough skill or will would be dragged around by it. I had no illusions to believe I fell in the former camp, and had enough reason to believe I was closer to the latter camp.

If my beauty was only going to bring me trouble, I didn't need it. I was already hiding my fangs and eye colour with [Alter Silhouette], so it wouldn't be difficult to change my face a bit to be less attractive. I didn't have the confidence to properly sculpt my face so I might just blow way past 'common beauty' and instead hit the uncanny valley. That said, it was worth the risk. I was already hiding my face, so being a little ugly wouldn't be so bad.

”Ahem!”

Philia's forceful cough broke me out of my line of thought. Raising my eyes on her again, it felt like her cheeks were a little redder than before.

”Ah, sorry. This is distracting, isn't it?”

Lowering my face, I started to lift my hood up and cover myself. For now, this would do.

”Oh, no. It's fine. Or rather, I'd prefer it if you don't hide yourself.”

My hands froze at her words, but I couldn't take her words for granted. She was probably just being nice about it.

”But, it's too much, isn't it? How I look?”

”Your appearance really is pretty excessive. I've never even heard of someone with beauty like yours”

My eyes fell to the table.

(That's right, isn't it? It's just too much.)

”However, I think it's something to be proud of!”

”Huh?”

”Maybe I'm not wording it quite right. But I don't think your beauty is something to be ashamed of. It's probably closer to a curse than a gift, but even then, it's a part of you. It's one aspect that makes up who you are!”

”...but people change aspects of themselves they don't like. They wear makeup to change their face, they wear clothes to change their bodies' shape. Some even make more permanent alterations to get the changes they want.”

Such things were especially common on Earth. I didn't think many people were happy with how they looked, so they put in the effort to change that, even if it meant going under the knife. It was pretty ironic though, that while people weren't happy with how they looked, it was also common for people to simply not do anything about it.

”It is true that people do those sort of things. Even a lot of people do, but I also believe that those who do it the most are never able to love themselves.”

(Is it even possible to love oneself without becoming a narcissist?)

”...”

”Miss Scarlet, I believe you are the sort who find it easy to care for others, but you find it difficult to care for yourself. Am I right?”

”It's been a bit hard lately, but I care for myself pretty well. I have fun and enjoy my life whenever I can. Until a little while ago, that was almost every day.”

(The good old days in the dungeon. Facing off against monsters, sharpening my abilities and levelling up. Playing around with the little fluffballs like a little kid. Spending time with Alicia. Doing anything with her was fun.)

As good as those times were, I was forced to abandon my home. The pain of staying there was too much. Just thinking about it made me clench my teeth and squeeze my fists. It took everything I had to stop the tears from falling freely.

”I don't know what it was that had happened in the past to make you abandon what you enjoyed, nor will I ask. But I will say this: you don't love yourself. Even more than that, you don't think much of yourself at all. You feel there is little value who you are, so you do little that is needed for yourself.”

”I...”

Getting up, Philia made her way around the table and looked close into my eyes.

”Miss Scarlet. You are loved. Your actions have made others love you. So you need to love yourself, for who you are. Because you deserve it.”

My hands shook.

(Because I deserve it?! For who I am?!)

”You...you don't even know...”

”Perhaps. Or perhaps I know more than you think.”

”There's no way...you say I'm loved?! The only one who loved me is dead! I'm not loved! I don't deserve to be loved! I couldn't save the only one who cared about me!”

”It's not true. Because I love you.”

”You...! You don't even know what I am!”

I lost control over myself. My swirling emotions overwhelmed me. My eyes lost focus, my mind grew clouded. All at the same time, my transformation fell apart, my fangs and eyes painfully returned to their original shape against my will.

My features changing without going through the proper procedure was painful. My fangs and eyes hurt like someone was trying to forcibly reshape them with their bare hands. My vision warped, the light and colours swirled around as the small changes were amplified with the sensitivity of my retinas.

But I didn't care. I was angry. Furious. She thought she loved me. But it was all a lie. This body, this face. It was manipulating her emotions. The very fact that her cheeks were so red ever since my hood went down was proof of that.

Her words didn't mean anything if my beauty forced her to think of me in certain ways. My looks changed peoples' thoughts, even when I covered myself. I manipulated others without even realizing it. Without even wanting to. I was something that manipulated peoples' minds just by being seen. It was no better than brain washing.

But despite that, despite my yelling, despite my changes, Philia didn't flinch at all. Instead, she raised an arm and wiped my tears from my face.

My face shot up at the unexpected sensation. Philia gave me a gentle smile and spoke more gently than I thought was possible.

”I know. I know what you are. But I don't care.”

”Even though I'm a blood sucking monster?! I could empty you like that tea cup at any moment!”

”You are you, and that's what I came to like. If you chose to do that, then I would accept it. At the very least, I would die knowing that the orphanage was in good hands.”

”I...but...no. Your feelings are being manipulated. There's no way...”

”You mean by your beauty? But what's the difference between that and being swayed by sweet words? By kind actions? We manipulate each other all the time to get what we want. The only question is intent. And I can see that your intent is only to make others happy. Because you find it difficult to be happy when the people around you aren't.”

Like a baseball shattering glass, my defences were broken in an instant. All my arguments were gone. All I had left was this confusion of swirling emotions as I was unable to pull away from Philia's heated gaze.

Paralyzed with indecision, I couldn't do anything as she slowly came closer to me. Little by little, her face drew in, blocking out anything and everything else.

Something soft and warm touched my lips. The feeling was pleasant, somehow it made me feel a bit warm, yet just as my mind was registering that warmth, the softness on my lips disappeared and Philia's face pulled away.

”You may not like how you look, but I do. The children do. I'm sure that person who loved you did as well. There is nothing wrong with how you look.”

With a gentle smile, she took a step back, then another. Slowly, she made her way back to the other side of the table and gathered the tea set before turning to leave the room. Just as she reached the door, Philia turned back to me.

”Now, you may not love me, but you should at least learn to love yourself. Anyways, thank you for letting me have that little gift.”

With a mischievous grin, the little orphanage director left me behind, slumping down in the chair, mind unable to catch up to the last handful of seconds.

My hand rose up to touch my lips.

”...that was my first kiss...ever...”

Time passed by while I was in a daze.

Eventually, I was able to pull myself together enough to stand up. Even then, my mind refused to move on from what I had just experienced. That feeling of a woman's lips on mine. The first time they had touched another’s in all my memories.

It was strange. It was alien. It was...

”It was nice...”

I never really thought too much about romance. No, I did as a teen like most in my previous life, but once I became an adult, it just stopped mattering. My parents bugged me once in a while, but aside from that, romance wasn't really something that had to do with me.

Those feelings didn't really change since being reincarnated.

Rather, I had more reasons to think that such things had nothing to do with me.

I was now a woman, yet the thought of getting together with a man wasn't pleasant at all. Or rather, it was difficult to even imagine it. Maybe it was because I'd been dismissing the entire notion off hand from the start. In a similar vein, I had done the same in regards to being with a woman as well.

Maybe it was this body. I might have become a woman, but first and foremost I was a vampire.

It wasn't like I didn't feel arousal, but it didn't trigger in ways that I imagined it would for a woman. Not only that, but thinking about it, I've never had a period before.

Was there any meaning to being a woman as a vampire? Did vampire men exist? Was reproduction even possible for vampires? If it wasn't, then was it even possible for me to properly copulate?

I presumed it was possible, since it seemed like I had the organs necessary, yet I had never actually explored my body in that way. Exploring the dungeon had always been my priority, and when that gave way, Alicia became my new priority. When that happened, exploring my own body became impossible.

(Should I try it out?)

After a few moments, I shook my head. Doing so in someone else's home was just plain rude, and there were much more important things at hand.

I wandered aimlessly throughout the ground floor of the orphanage. Randomly entering a room, looking around without actually focusing on anything, then moving on to the next room.

Philia had given me a lot to think about though.