Part 31 (1/2)
I stir some sugar into my coffee, starting to feel a bit vague from lack of food.
”It's good calling you Clive,” he notes. ”I never really thought you looked like an Alan. Should have known it was all bulls.h.i.+t.”
I start to apologise, then stop myself. We're silent for a while. After years spent frantically trying to envisage Webster's final few hours as a relevant rock star, hearing their true contents at last seems to have blown a few of my fuses. But either I'm being a bit thick or he's left a lot unexplained, and further questions seem tricky to pose without appearing vulgar.
”So,” I say, gingerly, ”can I-”
”Yep, you got fifteen minutes, journo-boy, might as well use it.”
”How did you discover Persephone was lying?”
He bites his lip and leans back, while I hope to b.u.g.g.e.ry that I've got the right end of the stick. Mercifully, it seems I have.
”It started to make sense over the next few weeks, I s'pose. I suddenly had lots of time to think, as you can imagine ... No band, no girlfriend ... no life, basically. I just sat in my flat ruminating, trying not to drink. Failing most of the time. But I kept going back to how Persephone told me the news ... like I already knew Gloria was pregnant. I didn't, though ... she never said anything. But I knew Gloria so well ... better than her own family did, probably ... and I knew that, despite everything, she'd never never ask them to tell me she'd lost a baby, not without first telling me there ask them to tell me she'd lost a baby, not without first telling me there was was one. So I made up my mind about that bit: Gloria never asked them to tell me a d.a.m.n thing.” one. So I made up my mind about that bit: Gloria never asked them to tell me a d.a.m.n thing.”
”Why d'you think she even telegrammed them at all? I thought she wanted to get away from them?”
”Money,” he shrugs. ”Not an awful lot of free health care for foreigners in Russia. She had no travel insurance, obviously. f.u.c.k knows what she was thinking, going out there in her condition with no safety net. They wired some cash, sorted her out, then arranged for her to be flown to Tokyo, where a family friend lived. That's where the baby was born. She's b.l.o.o.d.y lucky her family are so rich. Otherwise she'd have probably died herself, let alone the baby.”
I frown hard, my mind returning to that afternoon in Webster's flat: the framed photo of the little boy, the only flash of colour or emotion in his otherwise blank canvas of an abode. The child would be older than that, surely? But of course, the photo could be from a few years ago.
”So she left Russia for good?”
”Yup.”
”So ...”
”Yeah,” he nods, following my thoughts. ”Alison whatsit never did spot her in that cafe. Must've been some other nutter.”
”You read that?”
”Course I did. I read everything.” everything.”
He pours himself more coffee from the industrial-sized jug we ordered, exhaling heavily. I find it a little implausible, the idea of Lance Webster himself turning to a cheaply made fanzine called Things That Make Me Go Moo Things That Make Me Go Moo for information on the whereabouts of his closest friend-but then everything is starting to feel a little back to front today. for information on the whereabouts of his closest friend-but then everything is starting to feel a little back to front today.
”f.u.c.king idiots, her family,” he spits, with vintage bile. ”The irony was, I hadn't even thought thought of trying to find Gloria up 'til that point ... I hadn't the time, with the tour and everything. But I started looking b.l.o.o.d.y hard after that, I tell you. Precisely the f.u.c.king opposite of what they hoped to achieve.” of trying to find Gloria up 'til that point ... I hadn't the time, with the tour and everything. But I started looking b.l.o.o.d.y hard after that, I tell you. Precisely the f.u.c.king opposite of what they hoped to achieve.”
”b.a.s.t.a.r.ds,” I whisper. ”Why did they hate you so much?”
”Initially, because they're a bunch of upper-cla.s.s w.a.n.kers. But as time went by their feelings became a little more ... justified, shall we say.”
”But this is what I don't get,” I interrupt. ”It was hardly your fault Gloria was so stubborn about the whole destiny thing. I mean, you guys were in love ... It must have been b.l.o.o.d.y difficult for you ...”
”Not as hard as you'd imagine,” he counters. ”Don't forget, I had my own reasons for not wanting to be tied down to her her. I was young, stupid and incredibly vain ... Gloria was attractive, but she wouldn't have exactly been a status symbol. Particularly not during the whole Bruise Unit Bruise Unit thing, when I had people on my arm like Camilla McBriar and Sally Chester ... Both ended up being models, which unfortunately meant a lot to me at the age of twenty-five. It wasn't until the end, when Gloria really started to get sick, that I remembered I loved her. Sounds f.u.c.king crazy, I know, but what can I tell you? I was an idiot.” thing, when I had people on my arm like Camilla McBriar and Sally Chester ... Both ended up being models, which unfortunately meant a lot to me at the age of twenty-five. It wasn't until the end, when Gloria really started to get sick, that I remembered I loved her. Sounds f.u.c.king crazy, I know, but what can I tell you? I was an idiot.”
”So what did you do?”
He puffs and places his head on the table for a second, each word of his confession clearly a considerable effort. I feel painfully guilty pressing him further, but I guess if he didn't want to continue, he wouldn't.
”Well, I started trying to convince her we should just say f.u.c.k it, and be together. This would be ... autumn of ninety-four, I think. Told her I was prepared to take the risk, and if the whole b.l.o.o.d.y cosmos came cras.h.i.+ng down around us, or whatever she believed, then so be it. And you've got to understand ... she really did really did believe it. Man, you should have seen what she started to do to herself when we tried to release that stupid song as an A-side ...” believe it. Man, you should have seen what she started to do to herself when we tried to release that stupid song as an A-side ...”
I brace myself for some graphic description of unprecedented hideousness-which thankfully he doesn't bother with.
”Anyway, I said I'd make huge changes for her ... give up the other women ... even the band, if it came to it. Sod it, I'd made enough money, and The Social Traps The Social Traps recording sessions were ... well, far from a paradise of creativity. But of course she didn't buy it. So then we had this one stupid night when it finally went too far ... and that was it. I don't think I saw her again after that. A few months later she was gone.” recording sessions were ... well, far from a paradise of creativity. But of course she didn't buy it. So then we had this one stupid night when it finally went too far ... and that was it. I don't think I saw her again after that. A few months later she was gone.”
My body shudders involuntarily. I remember my video footage of the 1995 Brit Awards, Gloria clearly seen lurking in the background. I glance furtively around the restaurant, not really sure what I'm expecting to see ... Tony Gloster, perhaps, secreted in a distant booth, taking notes. All I see is a large man in an a.r.s.enal top, irritably trying to persuade staff to give him a steak knife made of something other than plastic. The trials of air travel in the twenty-first century.
I turn back to Webster, who is gazing forlornly at his mobile phone.
”So,” I ask gently, ”did you ... um ... did you find her, in the end?”
”I didn't. She wrote to me. Sometime around Christmas ninety-five. Didn't mention the baby straightaway. She just said ... she knew her family had been lying to me, but didn't specify what about. I still didn't even know where in the world she was, I had to send my letters via an intermediary for ... oh, months. Then after about a year she started to mention she'd been 'looking after a child.'” didn't. She wrote to me. Sometime around Christmas ninety-five. Didn't mention the baby straightaway. She just said ... she knew her family had been lying to me, but didn't specify what about. I still didn't even know where in the world she was, I had to send my letters via an intermediary for ... oh, months. Then after about a year she started to mention she'd been 'looking after a child.'”
He shakes his head and stares into the middle distance, exhausted by the complexity of his own life. After a minute or so he shakes himself out of it, looks back at me and laughs.
”Well, there you are. That's the long answer to the question 'Why was the Aylesbury gig so s.h.i.+t?' Is that acceptable?”
”Yeah,” I smile, still scribbling on my pad. ”I think so.”
”How close were you, then?”
”I'm sorry?”
”To the stage. At the gig.”
”Oh ... right down the front, as usual.”
”Did you feel like shooting me?”
”Um ... no. Alan was the angry one. I think it finally killed his career as an indie kid.”
”s.h.i.+t, really?”
”Afraid so,” I reply, toying with the idea of showing him the ”black” page from Alan's sc.r.a.pbook. ”But I think I was a little more philosophical about it. I was completely off my face anyway. Plus ... well, I was used to you being, um, a bit rude.”
”Thank you!” he cries, jumping up and banging on the table. ”I said said this at the time to anyone who'd listen, but no one believed me, no one remembered! We used to be this at the time to anyone who'd listen, but no one believed me, no one remembered! We used to be ridiculously ridiculously rude to our audiences. Used to tell 'em to f.u.c.k off, called them c.u.n.ts, everything! And they loved it!” rude to our audiences. Used to tell 'em to f.u.c.k off, called them c.u.n.ts, everything! And they loved it!”
”Totally,” I concur. ”Which is why I was so perplexed by the reaction it got.”
”Well, everything had got so b.l.o.o.d.y clean clean by ninety-five.” by ninety-five.”
”That's right. And 'mos.h.i.+ng' beat 'rucking.'”
”You what?” he frowns.
”When me and Alan started out, we 'rucked' to gigs. Now everyone 'moshes,' which used to be just a heavy-metal thing. p.i.s.ses me off.”
”Ah, well ... we used to call it 'pogoing,' so I can't really help you with that one.”