Part 13 (2/2)

We had arrived by this at the steps of the 'Devons.h.i.+re.'

”And I'm just as bad,” he went on, ”when I give presents. I never give them what they want. I never hit upon anything that is of any use to anybody. If I give Jane a chinchilla tippet, you may be certain chinchilla is the most out-of-date fur that any woman could wear. 'Oh!

that is nice of you,' she says; 'now that is just the very thing I wanted. I will keep it by me till chinchilla comes in again.' I give the girls watch-chains when n.o.body is wearing watch-chains. When watch-chains are all the rage I give them ear-rings, and they thank me, and suggest my taking them to a fancy-dress ball, that being their only chance to wear the confounded things. I waste money on white gloves with black backs, to find that white gloves with black backs stamp a woman as suburban. I believe all the shop-keepers in London save their old stock to palm it off on me at Christmas time. And why does it always take half-a-dozen people to serve you with a pair of gloves, I'd like to know? Only last week Jane asked me to get her some gloves for that last Mansion House affair. I was feeling amiable, and I thought I would do the thing handsomely. I hate going into a draper's shop; everybody stares at a man as if he were forcing his way into the ladies'

department of a Turkish bath. One of those marionette sort of men came up to me and said it was a fine morning. What the devil did I want to talk about the morning to him for? I said I wanted some gloves. I described them to the best of my recollection. I said, 'I want them four b.u.t.tons, but they are not to be b.u.t.ton-gloves; the b.u.t.tons are in the middle and they reach up to the elbow, if you know what I mean.' He bowed, and said he understood exactly what I meant, which was a d.a.m.ned sight more than I did. I told him I wanted three pair cream and three pair fawn-coloured, and the fawn-coloured were to be swedes. He corrected me. He said I meant 'Suede.' I dare say he was right, but the interruption put me off, and I had to begin over again. He listened attentively until I had finished. I guess I was about five minutes standing with him there close to the door. He said, 'Is that all you require, sir, this morning?' I said it was.

”' Thank you, sir,' he replied. 'This way, please, sir.'

”He took me into another room, and there we met a man named Jansen, to whom he briefly introduced me as a gentleman who 'desired gloves.' 'Yes, sir,' said Mr. Jansen; and what sort of gloves do you desire?'

”I told him I wanted six pairs altogether--three suede, fawn-coloured, and three cream-coloured--kids.

”He said, 'Do you mean kid gloves, sir, or gloves for children?'

”He made me angry by that. I told him I was not in the habit of using slang. Nor am I when buying gloves. He said he was sorry. I explained to him about the b.u.t.tons, so far as I could understand it myself, and about the length. I asked him to see to it that the b.u.t.tons were sewn on firmly, and that the st.i.tching everywhere was perfect, adding that the last gloves my wife had had of his firm had been most unsatisfactory.

Jane had impressed upon me to add that. She said it would make them more careful.

”He listened to me in rapt ecstacy. I might have been music.

”'And what size, sir?' he asked.

”I had forgotten that. 'Oh, sixes,' I answered, 'unless they are very stretchy indeed, in which case they had better be five and three-quarter.'

”'Oh, and the st.i.tching on the cream is to be black,' I added. That was another thing I had forgotten.

”'Thank you very much,' said Mr. Jansen; 'is there anything else that you require this morning?'

”'No, thank you,' I replied, 'not this morning.' I was beginning to like the man.

”He took me for quite a walk, and wherever we went everybody left off what they were doing to stare at me. I was getting tired when we reached the glove department. He marched me up to a young man who was sticking pins into himself. He said 'Gloves,' and disappeared through a curtain.

The young man left off sticking pins into himself, and leant across the counter.

”'Ladies' gloves or gentlemen's gloves?' he said.

”Well, I was pretty mad by this time, as you can guess. It is funny when you come to think of it afterwards, but the wonder then was that I didn't punch his head.

”I said, 'Are you ever busy in this shop? Does there ever come a time when you feel you would like to get your work done, instead of lingering over it and spinning it out for pure love of the thing?'

”He did not appear to understand me. I said, 'I met a man at your door a quarter of an hour ago, and we talked about these gloves that I want, and I told him all my ideas on the subject. He took me to your Mr.

Jansen, and Mr. Jansen and I went over the whole business again. Now Mr. Jansen leaves it with you--you who do not even know whether I want ladies' or gentlemen's gloves. Before I go over this story for the third time, I want to know whether you are the man who is going to serve me, or whether you are merely a listener, because personally I am tired of the subject?'

”Well, this was the right man at last, and I got my gloves from him. But what is the explanation--what is the idea? I was in that shop from first to last five-and-thirty minutes. And then a fool took me out the wrong way to show me a special line in sleeping-socks. I told him I was not requiring any. He said he didn't want me to buy, he only wanted me to see them. No wonder the drapers have had to start luncheon and tea-rooms. They'll fix up small furnished flats soon, where a woman can live for a week.”

I said it was very trying, shopping. I also said, as he invited me, and as he appeared determined to go on talking, that I would have a brandy-and-soda. We were in the smoke-room by this time.

”There ought to be an a.s.sociation,” he continued, ”a kind of clearing-house for the collection and distribution of Christmas presents. One would give them a list of the people from whom to collect presents, and of the people to whom to send. Suppose they collected on my account twenty Christmas presents, value, say, ten pounds, while on the other hand they sent out for me thirty presents at a cost of fifteen pounds. They would debit me with the balance of five pounds, together with a small commission. I should pay it cheerfully, and there would be no further trouble. Perhaps one might even make a profit. The idea might include birthdays and weddings. A firm would do the business thoroughly.

They would see that all your friends paid up--I mean sent presents; and they would not forget to send to your most important relative. There is only one member of our family capable of leaving a s.h.i.+lling; and of course if I forget to send to any one it is to him. When I remember him I generally make a muddle of the business. Two years ago I gave him a bath--I don't mean I washed him--an india-rubber thing, that he could pack in his portmanteau. I thought he would find it useful for travelling. Would you believe it, he took it as a personal affront, and wouldn't speak to me for a month, the snuffy old idiot.”

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