Part 65 (2/2)
Freyer did so, and sat down at some distance.
”You do not seem to have prospered very well,” said the other, less to learn the truth than to commence conversation.
”You doubtless see that.”
”Yes----! I could have wished that matters had resulted differently!”
Both were silent, overpowered by emotion. At the end of a few minutes the burgomaster continued in a low tone: ”I meant so well by you--it is a pity--!”
”Yes, you have _much_ to forgive me, no one knows that better than I--but you will not reject a penitent man, if he wishes to make amends for the wrong.”
The burgomaster rubbed his forehead: ”I do not reject you, but--I have already told the drawing-master, I only regret that I can do nothing for you. You are not ill--I cannot support you from the fund for the sick and it will be difficult to accomplish anything with the parish.”
”Oh, Herr Burgomaster, I never expected to be supported. Only, when I arrived yesterday I was so weary that I could explain nothing to Ludwig, otherwise he would surely have spared you and me the step which his great sympathy induced him to take. The clothing with which you have helped me out of embarra.s.sment for the moment, I will gratefully accept as _loaned_, but I hope to repay you later.”
”Pray let us say no more about it!” answered the burgomaster, waving his hand.
”Yes! For it can only shame me if you generously bestow material aid--and yet cherish resentment against me in your heart for the wrong I have done. What my sick soul most needs is reconciliation with you and my home. And for that I _can_ ask.”
”I am not implacable, Herr Freyer! You have done me no personal wrong--you have merely injured the cause which lies nearest to my heart of anything in the world. This is a grief, which must be fought down, but for which I cannot hold you responsible, though it cost me health and life. I feel no personal rancor for what had no personal intention.
If a man flings a stone at the image of a saint and unintentionally strikes me on the temple, I shall not make him responsible for that--but for having aimed at something which was sacred to others. To _punish_ him for it I shall leave to a higher judge.”
”Permit me to remain silent. You must regard the matter thus from your standpoint, and I can show you no better one. The right of defense is denied me. Only I would fain defend myself against the reproach that what is sacred to others is not to me. Precisely because it is sacred to me--perhaps more sacred than to others, I have sinned against it.”
”That is a contradiction which I do not understand!”
”And I cannot explain!”
”Well, it is not my business to pry into your secrets and judge your motives. I am not your confessor. I told you that I left G.o.d to judge such things. My duty as burgomaster requires me to aid any member of the parish to the best of my ability in matters pertaining to earning a livelihood. If you will give me your confidence, I am ready to aid you with advice and action. I don't know what you wish to do. You gave your little property to our poor--do you wish to take it back?”
”Oh, never, Herr Burgomaster, I never take back what I give,” replied Freyer.
”But you will then find it difficult, more difficult than others, to support yourself,” the burgomaster continued. ”You went to the carving-school too late to earn your bread by wood-carving. You know no trade--you are too well educated to pursue more menial occupations, such as those of a day-laborer, street-sweeper, etc.--and you would be too proud to live at the expense of the parish, even if we could find a way of securing a maintenance for you. It is really very difficult, one does not know what to say. Perhaps a messenger's place might be had--the carrier from Linderhof has been ill a long time.”
”Have no anxiety on that score, Herr Burgomaster. During my absence, I devoted my leisure time mainly to drawing and modelling. I also read a great deal, especially scientific works, so that I believe I could support myself by carving, if I keep my health. If that fails, I'll turn wood-cutter. The forest will be best for me. That gives me no anxiety.”
The burgomaster again rubbed his forehead. ”Perhaps if the indignation roused by your desertion has subsided, it may be possible to give you employment at the Pa.s.sion Theatre as superintendent, a.s.sistant, or in the wardrobe room.”
Freyer rose, a burning blush crimsoned his face, instantly followed by a deathlike pallor. ”You are not in earnest, Herr Burgomaster--I--render menial service in the Pa.s.sion--I? Then woe betide the home which turns her sons from her threshold with mockery and disgrace, when they seek her with the yearning and repentance of mature manhood.”
Freyer covered his face with his hands, grief robbed him of speech.
The burgomaster gave him a moment's time to calm himself. ”Yes, Herr Freyer, but tell me, do you expect, after all that has occurred, to be made the Christus?”
”What else should I expect? For what other purpose should _I_ come here than to aid the community in need, for my dead cousin Josepha received a letter from one of our relatives here, stating that you had no Christus and did not know what to do. It seemed to me like a summons from Heaven and I knew at that moment where my place was allotted. Life had no farther value for me--one thought only sustained me, to be something to my _home_, to repair the injury I had done her, atone for the sin I had committed--and this time I should have accomplished it. I walked night and day, with one desire in my heart, one goal before my eyes, and now--to be rejected thus--oh, it is too much, it is the last blow!”
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