Part 5 (1/2)

Sent: Dec. 1, 2000

Well, Mama, the doc.u.ments finally came through. I'm now officially divorced. It feels a little strange. I'm glad I took a long time to file and it took so long to process. As you know, we've been separated since '98! I remember how worried you sounded back then whenever we talked. I knew you could hear it in my voice that things weren't quite right, but I didn't want to get into it, Mama, even after I filed for divorce. I don't know why, but I felt I had to tough it out alone, and I'm grateful you never pushed. I still love him, but I have little respect for the man he became over the last several years, so I don't pine. And it feels good now to be able to open up, knowing it's finally over.

We'd been having problems off and on, but our troubles escalated in '96, when I got the part of Maureen in Rent. This was a big deal for me, being the first national company and all, but instead of being happy for me, he became sullen and withdrawn. He had no job at the time, so this break was a boon to us both, but he didn't see it that way. I asked him to go on the road with me, but he preferred to stay in our cabin and sulk.

How many times I've wished things had worked out. How many times I just wished he had grown with me, instead of against me. The sweet Dr. Jekyll he once was had been turned into the Mr. Hyde I could no longer live with. I wonder if I'll ever love anyone as much again. I do miss that feeling of partners.h.i.+p with someone, and as much as I love my work, you can't talk to your work-or if you do, people look at you funny!

I love you, Mama. Thanks for being there.

C

Carrie bounced back and forth from Colorado to Los Angeles (where she picked up some acting jobs to pay the rent), but she found herself longing for her mountain retreat more and more, and began spending more time there in order to concentrate on writing.

In late 2000, Carrie was working on a new story in her beloved cabin, and began sending pages to me, at home in Los Angeles.

To: Mama

From: Carrie via FAX!

Gunnison, Colorado

Dec. 3, 2000

Hi Mama,

I'm faxing (instead of e-mailing) you the first few scenes of a story that I'm writing, ”Sunrise in Memphis.” It's about a bohemian girl and the mysterious cowboy she meets, and their road trip to Graceland.

I printed out the pages just before my computer got a headache and then gave me one. I'm taking it into town tomorrow to the ”Mr. Fixit” computer store. I hope the owner can create a miracle and have it up and running tomorrow or the next day. He's been pretty good at helping me out in similar situations before. Gunnison may be a small Colorado town, but it rocks!

Meantime, I'm happy that my fax machine is still healthy! Sooo ... I hope you can read my scrawl.

It feels funny putting pen to paper, especially in this era of ”high tech,” but somehow I don't think it's a bad thing when stuff goes wrong and you have to get back to the basics. Like actually writing an honest-to-G.o.d letter in longhand!

Sometimes I think my handwriting looks suspiciously like yours-the way certain letters curl and dip. Just like how my hands now look like yours-and how at certain angles it looks like you spit and I grew. The line where you end and I begin has always been blurry. And yet there are fundamental differences that make us a unique team, able to balance and complement each other.

Did you know that Steinbeck wrote East of Eden by hand? In PENCIL? I'm reading it now, for the first time, and what a fine novel it is. If you haven't read it, or haven't visited it in a long time, please do so. It's a quick read for such a long novel, thanks to the beauty and simplicity of his writing-dazzling turns of phrases, but not the kind that send you rus.h.i.+ng for a dictionary.

Maybe my computer broke down because I needed to take a breather. This gorgeous Colorado sky is saying, ”Get your a.s.s out to the front porch and rock for a while. INHALE! Take in this beautiful and rarified mountain air! Even if it hurts your lungs!” I love my rocking chair. I love my home here, Mama. Funny, I grew up in the city, and became a creature of Hollywood, but I've discovered that this lover of clubs and rock and roll (and all kinds of music) with a bird-of-paradise tattoo on her shoulder, can do a 180 and relish the peace and quiet I find in my mountains. I still love my part-time life in L.A., my friends, the excitement of writing and singing new music, and doing acting jobs on TV that (thank G.o.d) pay the bills. But what I look forward to most is coming back here.

XO Carrie