Part 3 (1/2)

She was due to receive her one-year-of-sobriety necklace soon-a more elaborately designed leather thong with the monkey's fist-and Joe and I wanted to celebrate by throwing a small reception at the church where the presentation was going to take place. When the day came Joe and I, with Jody and Erin, got to the church early, around five p.m. A lot of Carrie's friends were already there, plus a few grown-ups, friends of the family. One year! I kept thanking G.o.d over and over.

Carrie hadn't arrived yet. She was going to drive there with some schoolmates. They were several minutes late, but finally she breezed in, all smiles. She waved to us, but didn't come over for hugs. I felt a slight pang in my stomach... .

The presentation was quite moving, and afterward Carrie was proudly wearing her new necklace as the crowd enjoyed punch, sandwiches, and cookies. We hugged her and congratulated her.

”Mama, is it okay if my friends and I go out to celebrate tonight? I just need to go home and change first.”

”Of course. Be home by ten?”

”Sure, great!”

I had hoped that Carrie would have dinner with us, but I didn't want to interfere if she wanted to be with her friends on this big day, so Joe, Jody, Erin, and I went out for an early dinner at Carmine's. When we came home, it looked like Carrie had already gone out, but the lights in her bedroom were still on. I went into her room to be sure, and my heart sank. She had taken off her one-year necklace and had tossed it on her bed. I knew right then that she had been lying to us.

That night Joe and I waited up for Carrie to come home. It was a little after eleven when we heard her car pull in the driveway. She came up the back stairs very quietly and went into her room. We knocked on her door, looked at each other, and went in... .

Diary entry:

We're sending her back to PDAP in Houston. One of the counselors is coming out here to fly back with her as a chaperone. I'm completely devastated. What does this mean? Can we never be sure of anything in this life? Must we always be walking on eggsh.e.l.ls? Must we always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Will I ever be happy again? Can I ever trust her again? What was that line we heard during Family Week? ”How can you tell when addicts are lying?” ”When they open their mouths.”

Carrie was checked into the hospital and the detox routine began all over again.

Before all this happened, I had begun work on the movie Annie, in which I played the role of Miss Hannigan. In a way I was grateful for the distraction. There were even times when I felt like I was having fun. (When was the last time I'd had fun?) But the very next thing I'd feel would be guilt.

Joe was busy preparing to produce Mama's Family, a spin-off series based on characters from our variety show, and Jody and Erin had mostly fallen silent around us. It was obvious they were angry at their father and me for sending their sister away again.

Then we got a call from PDAP saying Carrie had run away, followed by a call from Carrie herself telling us she was on her way back to L.A. She had brought some money with her and hidden it from the PDAP staff, planning her getaway before she even arrived. She had just enough cash to take a bus to California.

Carrie came back to L.A., but she didn't come home. She stayed with ”friends” somewhere in the city. I called her counselor in Houston, in tears, asking what we should do. I wanted to track her down and bring her home. I had never known such fear. Carrie was back to where she had been at the beginning of this nightmare. The counselor's advice? ”Tough love! Don't let her come home while she's high. Let her hit bottom.” I listened to him because I simply didn't know what else to do, but each day was a slow torment.

The filming of Annie came to an end, and now I was back home every day, where Joe and I were having our problems, too.

He had begun to drink again.

Diary entry:

First Daddy and Mama, then Joe, and now Carrie. Dear G.o.d in heaven, what next?

At the time, we owned a condominium in Hawaii where we spent vacations, so I decided to get Jody and Erin as far away from L.A. as possible for a while. I packed our suitcases and we flew to Maui, leaving Joe and Carrie behind.

Diary entry:

We went to the beach today, and had dinner at the Spill and Grill. The girls must sense something's wrong between their father and me, but I keep mum about it. I don't talk about Carrie, either. The right words escape me. I'm grateful Jody and Erin have each other, because their mother is a helpless mess.

Once Jody, Erin, and I left town, Carrie started going to the house in L.A. and visiting with Joe, bringing her laundry. She may have wanted to return home, but Joe told her she couldn't move back in while she was still getting high. After that, her visits became less frequent.

From Hawaii I spoke to Joe often, and one day he told me he was going to enter a rehab facility outside of Los Angeles. He had committed to the thirty-day program and was leaving the house in the care of our housekeeper, Gigi. I was happy that he had made that decision. Maybe he had ”hit his bottom.”

In Maui, I dreamed of Carrie every night, finding myself in different scenarios, trying to find her, not knowing how she was, or even if she was still alive. I would wake up in a cold sweat, terrified.