Volume I Part 8 (2/2)
”This is a strange call, Doctor ----, perhaps scarcely warranted by an acquaintance so slight as mine with you. I should not under ordinary circ.u.mstances have ventured to disturb you; but my visit is neither an idle nor impertinent intrusion. I am sure you will not so account it, when I tell you how afflicted I am.”
Doctor ---- interrupted him with a.s.surances such as good breeding suggested, and Barton resumed--
”I am come to task your patience by asking your advice. When I say your patience, I might, indeed, say more; I might have said your humanity--your compa.s.sion; for I have been and am a great sufferer.”
”My dear sir,” replied the churchman, ”it will, indeed, afford me infinite gratification if I can give you comfort in any distress of mind; but--you know----”
”I know what you would say,” resumed Barton, quickly; ”I am an unbeliever, and, therefore, incapable of deriving help from religion; but don't take that for granted. At least you must not a.s.sume that, however unsettled my convictions may be, I do not feel a deep--a very deep--interest in the subject. Circ.u.mstances have lately forced it upon my attention, in such a way as to compel me to review the whole question in a more candid and teachable spirit, I believe, than I ever studied it in before.”
”Your difficulties, I take it for granted, refer to the evidences of revelation,” suggested the clergyman.
”Why--no--not altogether; in fact I am ashamed to say I have not considered even my objections sufficiently to state them connectedly; but--but there is one subject on which I feel a peculiar interest.”
He paused again, and Doctor ---- pressed him to proceed.
”The fact is,” said Barton, ”whatever may be my uncertainty as to the authenticity of what we are taught to call revelation, of one fact I am deeply and horribly convinced, that there does exist beyond this a spiritual world--a system whose workings are generally in mercy hidden from us--a system which may be, and which is sometimes, partially and terribly revealed. I am sure--I _know_,” continued Barton, with increasing excitement, ”that there is a G.o.d--a dreadful G.o.d--and that retribution follows guilt, in ways the most mysterious and stupendous--by agencies the most inexplicable and terrific;--there is a spiritual system--great G.o.d, how I have been convinced!--a system malignant, and implacable, and omnipotent, under whose persecutions I am, and have been, suffering the torments of the d.a.m.ned!--yes, sir--yes--the fires and frenzy of h.e.l.l!”
As Barton spoke, his agitation became so vehement that the Divine was shocked, and even alarmed. The wild and excited rapidity with which he spoke, and, above all, the indefinable horror, that stamped his features, afforded a contrast to his ordinary cool and unimpa.s.sioned self-possession striking and painful in the last degree.
CHAPTER V.
MR. BARTON STATES HIS CASE.
”My dear sir,” said Doctor ----, after a brief pause, ”I fear you have been very unhappy, indeed; but I venture to predict that the depression under which you labour will be found to originate in purely physical causes, and that with a change of air, and the aid of a few tonics, your spirits will return, and the tone of your mind be once more cheerful and tranquil as heretofore. There was, after all, more truth than we are quite willing to admit in the cla.s.sic theories which a.s.signed the undue predominance of any one affection of the mind, to the undue action or torpidity of one or other of our bodily organs. Believe me, that a little attention to diet, exercise, and the other essentials of health, under competent direction, will make you as much yourself as you can wish.”
”Doctor ----” said Barton, with something like a shudder, ”I _cannot_ delude myself with such a hope. I have no hope to cling to but one, and that is, that by some other spiritual agency more potent than that which tortures me, _it_ may be combated, and I delivered. If this may not be, I am lost--now and for ever lost.”
”But, Mr. Barton, you must remember,” urged his companion, ”that others have suffered as you have done, and----”
”No, no, no,” interrupted he, with irritability--”no, sir, I am not a credulous--far from a superst.i.tious man. I have been, perhaps, too much the reverse--too sceptical, too slow of belief; but unless I were one whom no amount of evidence could convince, unless I were to contemn the repeated, the _perpetual_ evidence of my own senses, I am now--now at last constrained to believe--I have no escape from the conviction--the overwhelming certainty--that I am haunted and dogged, go where I may, by--by a DEMON!”
There was a preternatural energy of horror in Barton's face, as, with its damp and death-like lineaments turned towards his companion, he thus delivered himself.
”G.o.d help you, my poor friend,” said Dr. ----, much shocked, ”G.o.d help you; for, indeed, you _are_ a sufferer, however your sufferings may have been caused.”
”Ay, ay, G.o.d help me,” echoed Barton, sternly; ”but _will_ he help me--will he help me?”
”Pray to him--pray in an humble and trusting spirit,” said he.
”Pray, pray,” echoed he again; ”I can't pray--I could as easily move a mountain by an effort of my will. I have not belief enough to pray; there is something within me that will not pray. You prescribe impossibilities--literal impossibilities.”
”You will not find it so, if you will but try,” said Doctor ----.
”Try! I _have_ tried, and the attempt only fills me with confusion; and, sometimes, terror; I have tried in vain, and more than in vain. The awful, unutterable idea of eternity and infinity oppresses and maddens my brain whenever my mind approaches the contemplation of the Creator; I recoil from the effort scared. I tell you, Doctor ----, if I am to be saved, it must be by other means. The idea of an eternal Creator is to me intolerable--my mind cannot support it.”
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