Part 14 (1/2)
Vimes worked himself into a niche between two bundles and leaned toward Cheery.
”You know about the clacks, right?” he said.
”Well, sort of, sir...”
”Good.” Vimes pa.s.sed her a piece of paper. ”There's bound to be a tower near where we stop tonight. Cipher this and send it to the Watch, will you? They ought to be able to turn it around in an hour, if they ask the right people. Tell them to try Washable Topsy, she does the laundry there. Or Gilbert Gilbert, he always seems to know what's going on.”
Cheery read the message, and then stared at Vimes.
”Are you sure sure, sir?” she said.
”Maybe. Make sure you send the description. description. Names don't mean much.” Names don't mean much.”
”May I ask what makes you think-”
”His walk. And he didn't catch an orange,” said Vimes. ”Mhm. Mhm.”
Constable Visit was cleaning out the old pigeon loft when the message arrived on the clacks.
He had been spending more and more time with the pigeons these days. It wasn't a popular job, so no one had tried to take it away from him, and at least up here the shouts and door-slammings were m.u.f.fled.
The perches gleamed. gleamed.
Constable Visit enjoyed his job. He didn't have many friends in the city. Truth to tell, he didn't have many friends in the Watch, either. But at least there were people to talk to, and he was making headway with the religious instruction of the pigeons.
But now there was this...
It was addressed to Captain Carrot. That meant it probably ought to be delivered to Captain Colon now, and personally personally, because Captain Colon thought that people were spying on his messages sent via the suction tube.
Constable Visit had been fairly safe up until now. Omnians were good at not questioning orders, even ones that made no sense. Visit instinctively respected authority, no matter how crazy, because he'd been brought up properly. And he had plenty of time to keep his armor bright. Brightly polished armor had suddenly become very important in the Watch, for some reason.
Even so, going into Colon's office needed all the courage that the legendary Bishop Horn had shown when entering the city of the Oolites, and everyone knew what they they did to strangers. did to strangers.
Visit climbed down from the loft and made his nervous way to the main building, taking care to walk smartly.
The main office was more or less empty. There seemed to be fewer watchmen around these days. Usually people preferred to loaf indoors in this chilly weather, but suddenly everyone was keen to be out of Captain Colon's view.
Visit went up to the office and knocked on the door.
He knocked again.
When there was no reply he pushed open the door, walked carefully over to the sparkling clean desk and went to tuck the flimsy message under the ink bottle in case it blew away- ”Aha!”
The ink soared up as Visit's hand jerked. He had a vision of the blue-black shower pa.s.sing his ear, and heard the splat splat as it hit something behind him. as it hit something behind him.
He turned like an automaton, to see a Captain Colon who would have been white-faced if it weren't for the ink.
”I see see,” said Colon. ”a.s.sault on a superior officer, eh?”
”It was an accident, Captain!”
”Oh, was it? And why, pray, were you sneaking into my office?”
”I didn't think you were in here, Captain!” Visit gabbled.
”Aha!”
”Sorry?”
”Sneaking a look at my private papers, eh?”
”No, Captain!” Visit rallied a little bit. ”Why were you standing behind the door, Captain?”
”Oh? I'm not allowed to stand behind my own door, is that it?”
It was then that Constable Visit made his next mistake. He tried to smile.
”Well, it is is a bit odd, sir-” a bit odd, sir-”
”Are you suggesting there is anything odd odd about me, Constable?” said Captain Colon. ”Is there anything about me that you find about me, Constable?” said Captain Colon. ”Is there anything about me that you find funny funny?”
Visit stared at the mottled face, speckled with ink.
”Not a thing, sir.”
”You've been working acceptably, Constable,” said Colon, standing slightly too close to Visit, ”and therefore I don't intend to be harsh with you. No one could call me an unfair man. You is demoted to lance-constable, understand? Your pay will be adjusted and backdated to the beginning of the month.”
Visit saluted. It was probably the only way to get out of there alive. One of Colon's eyes was twitching.
”However, you could redeem yourself,” said Colon, ”if you was to tell me who has been stealing, I said stealing stealing, the sugar lumps.”
”Sir?”
”I knows knows there was forty-three last night. I counted 'em very thoroughly. There's forty-one this morning, Constable. And they're there was forty-three last night. I counted 'em very thoroughly. There's forty-one this morning, Constable. And they're locked locked in the cupboard. Can you explain that?” in the cupboard. Can you explain that?”
If Visit had been suicidal and honest, he had said: Well, Captain, while of course I think you have many worthy qualities, I have have known you to count your fingers twice and come up with different answers. known you to count your fingers twice and come up with different answers.
”Er...mice?” he said, weakly.
”Hah! Off you go, Lance-Constable, and just you think about what I said!”
When the dejected Visit had gone, Captain Colon sat down at his big, clean desk.
The little flickering part of his brain that was still sparking coherent thought through the fog of mind-numbing terror that filled Colon's head was telling him that he was so far out of his depth that the fish had lights on their noses.
Yes, he did have a clean desk. But that was because he was throwing all the paperwork away.