Part 20 (2/2)

Got something better to do? We recommend immediate action, but we'll cut you some slack and say to give it a shot as soon as you feel comfortable. Think of this book as a college text. Just don't buy it and then sell it back for beer money without ever opening it. Read. Reread. Take notes. Study. And unlike school, it's always encouraged to sneak a peek ahead.

15. I've got a newborn son. Is it too soon to start teaching him how to be an a.s.shole?

A small child is like a sponge. It's never too soon to start planting the seeds. Think of teaching him the a.s.shole way as you would a sport, or a different language, or any complex lesson that needs years to cultivate and mature. Start small with lessons on how to pick on the cla.s.s bully, take what he deserves, and deal with his nagging mother (as soon as you figure that out).

16. Who the h.e.l.l do you guys think you are?

a.s.sholes. Thought that was obvious.

An a.s.shole.

Abroad.

In case you decide to become the a.s.shole Traveler, here's a list of translations for the word ”a.s.shole.” You'll want to know when you're getting recognized.

Arabic BAUSH.

Czech VOSEL.

Dutch KLOOTZAK.

Finnish PASKIAINEN.

French CONNARD.

German ARSCHLOCH.

Greek MALaKAS.

Hungarian SEGGFEJ.

Icelandic FiFL.

Indonesian BRENGSEK.

Italian STRONZO.

j.a.panese KUSOTTARE.

Maltese TOQBI.

Mandarin HuNQIu Norwegian Ra.s.sHL.

Persian KOSKESH.

Polish DUPEK.

Portuguese PENTELHO.

Russian MUDaK.

Serbian SHUPAK.

Slovak KOKOT.

Spanish GILIPOLLAS.

Swahil M'KUNDU Swedis ARSLE.

Urud GANDH.

About the Authors.

Steven B. Green.

Is an experienced actor/screenwriter/comedian, with several more slashes that shall remain nameless. He has appeared in musicals and plays off-Broadway, as well as in television shows and commercials. For many years, he performed with the Gotham City Improv Company in New York City. Currently, he performs stand-up in Los Angeles, improvisational comedy at the L.A. Connection, and teaches improv to kids and animals. Green lives at home in Los Angeles with his wife, three children, two dogs, and too many freaking cats. He realized during the writing process that he lost his a.s.shole edge. So with the royalties from this book, he hopes to get back in touch with his a.s.shole side and reclaim his place among the greatest a.s.sholes of our time.

Dennis LaValle.

As one of Hollywood's top acting coaches, Dennis LaValle has dealt with his fair share of ”not-ready-for-primetime” a.s.sholes. A graduate of New York University and now a transplanted Angelino, LaValle likes to think of himself as a bicoastal a.s.shole in the best sense of the term. A cla.s.sically trained actor, whose stage credits include numerous Shakespearean productions, he is, alas, best known as the goofy cowboy from the Pace Picante commercials. LaValle credits his beautiful wife Jeanne and their two kids for saving him from a life of meaningless s.e.xual interludes ending in an alcohol-induced death face-down in the gutter.

Chris Illuminati.

Is not really an a.s.shole, he just acts like one every possible moment of the day. He fancies himself some type of authority and is a regular contributor to sites like AskMen.com, Asylum.com, and TheBachelorGuy.com. He writes about relations.h.i.+ps, careers, and s.e.x. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and cat Stephen. Yes, that is his real last name.

end.

<script>