Part 11 (1/2)

Whether he's on the Hill or in City Hall, the Political a.s.shole is in the center of it all. However, he's most likely not the guy with his name on the door. No, the Political a.s.shole works his magic from behind the scenes as the mayor's, senator's, or even president's right-hand man. In that power position, he's able to be the muscle and the mind, and doesn't have to worry as much about his out-of-office activities as the elected official.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Agendas-both his candidate's and his own. He has a lot to gain from working his angles besides bragging rights.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

He can speak, extremely well. He's the perfect example of an a.s.shole who knows what he's talking about. Like we've said, he's well read, but he's also able to deliver his well-informed thoughts in a clear and concise manner, leaving any opponent speechless.

He's the perfect example of

an a.s.shole who knows

what he's talking about.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

If you're going to speak your mind, make sure you're up to speed. The political landscape is ever changing so this guy's always surveying before he speaks. You should do the same, whether you want to discuss your party's stand on campaign finance reform or the form of your team's pitcher standing on the mound.

The Neighborhood a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Rugged hands and ridiculous calves that have the ladies on your block swooning, earned from busting his a.s.s with yard work and going for his morning jog. Both activities get him outside; visible to the housewives-and their husbands, who have to recognize him as the guy who's running s.h.i.+t in their 'hood. You on the other hand have been busy calculating potential fantasy points to see if a trade's worthwhile.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

6:30 a.m.: Headed out for his five-miler, waving to all the women on his route who time getting their newspapers with his run.

10:45 a.m.: Using your electric hedge clippers to shape his shrubbery. He didn't so much ask to borrow them as he told you he'd be using them.

12:15 p.m.: Greeting the mailman with a bottle of water, commiserating with him on how much working Sat.u.r.days sucks, and getting the lowdown on the crazy stuff that your neighbors get in the mail.

4:00 p.m.: Welcoming your girlfriend onto his patio. She brought him over a pitcher of sangria. Wait a minute . . .

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT