Part 9 (1/2)
these family get-togethers
is with laughs and
liquor.
Family gatherings are the perfect venue to begin your reign as your family's a.s.shole. Make your way around the party, stopping to catch up with everyone. The quicker you move from person to person the more everyone else will want to talk to you. Drop some jokes, make fun of your uncle's golf game, be the person who gets everyone laughing-at other family members. The only way to survive these family get-togethers is with laughs and liquor. Bring a bottle for the host and get everyone going about how bad your aunt is at cooking.
Dinner Parties These intimate gatherings are the perfect opportunity to sharpen your a.s.shole skills, as you're among friends. Because who else can you p.i.s.s off without serious retaliation if not the guy who puked in your sink a couple New Year's Eves ago?
Be sure to counter the one-liners and digs you'll be playfully shooting off during dinner with an expensive bottle of wine or the host's preferred alcohol as your thanks for the invite. Keep everyone entertained during dinner with an embarra.s.sing little round of ”Remember when . . .” (though stories like the New Year's Eve booting session are better suited for after dinner). And then impress the table by flexing your mind muscles, dazzling the crowd with your knowledge of myriad topics, which you've become an expert on-at least enough to offer a stat and an opinion.
After dinner, be the first to compliment the host for putting together such a nice get-together, but don't be afraid to throw in a few zingers, as you can't turn into a complete softy. Once everyone's finished the first round of after-dinner drinks, be ready to make your exit. You don't want to be the first one to leave, but you also don't want to be the last.
Birthdays and Other Special Occasions Only an a.s.shole can attend a birthday party for someone else and find himself the center of attention. How does an a.s.shole accomplish such a feat? By being overly attentive to the person whose birthday it is-make an impromptu speech in his or her honor, buy the biggest gift, or just go out of your way to be around the guest of honor. The a.s.shole doesn't save this type of behavior for just birthdays, though- going-away parties, bachelor parties, graduations-it doesn't matter the reason for celebration. As long as it's in honor of one person, the a.s.shole has someone to overshadow.
CHAPTER RECAP: The a.s.shole at Play.
An a.s.shole is an a.s.shole twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You need to stay on top of your game and focus on the details and never let your guard or att.i.tude slip. Whether you're at a bar or at a funeral, you need to play the role of the a.s.shole. Granted, the behavior in each situation does vary, but your ultimate goal remains the same: build connections and be remembered. You want people to know who you are. And you want them to want to be around you.
a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary A-game (n.): The best you have to offer, which better be better than everyone else in the room Wallflower (n.): A shy person who stands by and lets life pa.s.s him by Roses and hand jobs (exp.): Sweet rewards Character Study The Laughed-at Douche Bag: As an a.s.shole, you want to be laughed with-not laughed at. Therefore, the Laughed-at Douche Bag is an important person to study. Notice how hard he tries. It should never look like you're trying. Your att.i.tude and actions should come off as natural (that's where the practice comes into play). You should also never go after easy targets. No one really wants to laugh at those types of jokes. Why pick on a wallflower when you can make fun of a douche bag?
Questions to Think About * Do people mostly laugh with you or at you?
* How will you change your approach at the bar?
* In what types of situations do you play the wallflower? How can that be fixed?
What You Should Have Learned Memorizing movies isn't really a good life skill.
a.s.sholes never take the day off.
Even in a relaxed social situation, the a.s.shole should be on his game.
Master the art of being an a.s.shole in public and in private.
a.s.sholes are always the center of attention.
Chapter 8.
The a.s.shole and the Opposite s.e.x
You've heard the expression time and time again: Women love a.s.s-holes. It's true. In fact, many of the world's most storied lovers have had immeasurable a.s.shole qualities. Don Juan, considered one of the greatest lovers the world has ever known, took immense pleasure in seducing spoken-for women and then fighting the men in their lives for that love. Romeo, the model of young love and romance, falls for the daughter of the head of a rival family even though he knows it will land him in deep s.h.i.+t. John Mayer, singer and modern-day lothario, has bedded some of the world's most sought-after A-list celebrities, only to break their hearts via Twitter and TMZ.
NOTCHES ON JOHN MAYER'S BEDPOST Jessica Simpson Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Love Hewitt Your mom Women don't just date a.s.sholes because of a physical attraction; women date a.s.sholes because these men aren't afraid to make an impression and then make a move. An a.s.shole isn't too intimidated to talk to the hottest woman in the room. If he gets shot down, so be it; at least he tried. Hit on enough gorgeous women (or any women at all) and the a.s.shole is bound to find success.
An a.s.shole isn't too intimidated
to talk to the hottest
woman in the room.
How the a.s.shole Gets the Girl Think about every time (or that one time) you successfully picked up a girl. Each instance has one thing in common: She was drunk. Kidding. They all occurred because the opportunity presented itself: The woman in the grocery store who reached for the same box of Cap'n Crunch; the girl in the elevator who hit your floor's b.u.t.ton just as you were about to; the new office a.s.sistant who needed help with unjamming the copier. You only got up the nerve to start a conversation because of a little dumb luck.
a.s.sholes don't wait.
Now here is the difference between your wait-and-see approach and the mark of a genuine a.s.shole: a.s.sholes don't wait. a.s.sholes make their own openings and opportunities. While you've been hoping the new girl in the apartment above yours will be at the mailbox at the same time as you, the a.s.shole down the hall already knocked on her door, welcomed her to the building, and has been busy charming his way into her bedroom. All while you idled in the lobby waiting for Mr. Postman to deliver your next issue of Cat Fancy. He got the girl; you got step-by-step instructions on how to knit your own kitten mittens.
FIVE WOMEN YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT ON.
1. Best friend's mom 2. Girlfriend's mom 3. Girlfriend's sister 4. Cousin (blood or no blood relation) 5. Boss's wife (unless he is a douche) In order to score like an a.s.shole you have to act like an a.s.shole. The three most important a.s.shole intangibles to a.s.sume when approaching a woman are confidence, experience, and calculated luck.
Confidence An a.s.shole needs an incredible amount of confidence in any situation, especially when dealing with the opposite s.e.x. An a.s.shole fears nothing. He especially doesn't fear the word ”no.” An a.s.shole probably hears that word almost twice as much as he hears the word ”yes”; yet he doesn't cower in the corner when it's tossed his way. He brushes it off and hits on an even hotter girl.
Experience Would you fly a plane without taking lessons? Give a presentation in front of your boss without doing extensive research? Go into your fantasy draft without reviewing last season's stats? Then why would you dare attempt to bed incredibly attractive females without trying your hand at every single girl you meet. All females are considered target practice-young, old, emaciated, portly, crazy, h.e.l.l, even Twilight fans (as long as they're legal). The a.s.shole doesn't discriminate until it's actually time to choose a woman to ask out.
Calculated Luck Chance. Coincidence. Dumb luck. That's what the old you would rely on to start a conversation. a.s.sholes can't be bothered by events out of their control; an a.s.shole makes his own luck. Sometimes it looks like things just fall into his lap. A chance encounter, a random meeting, or being in the right place at the right time. But do you really think he brought all those extra quarters to the laundromat by accident? That the bartender really mixed up his Scotch on the rocks with a pomegranate mojito? That his run in with the hot chick from accounting really was random even though it was at the Starbucks around the block where she goes every morning at 10:45? Didn't think so.