Part 22 (1/2)

”It's not like I thought we were perfect,” Regina said. ”I knew Gina and I had problems. But that text was impossible to ignore. For the first time in a long time, I saw myself the way other people see us. So I showed it to Gina. Even before I'd said anything, she started crying.”

I frowned.

”No, Russel, really, none of this is bad, not at all. We cried together, for the first time in years. Gina and I have been in crisis mode for twenty years now. It's always just one more pitch, one more audition, one more year. But it never is. It's like chasing mirages in a desert. It's not completely crazy - there really are oases in a desert, right? They're not all mirages. But there aren't very many of the d.a.m.n things. After all these years, Gina and I never really found one. It was okay when the two of us were at least miserable together. But at some point, we turned on each other. Then we were miserable alone.”

”So you're leaving the desert,” I said.

Right then, Gina appeared behind Regina on the pool deck.

”Russel!” she said, a big smile on her face. She walked closer and stood arm-in-arm with Regina.

”I'm sorry to see you guys go,” I said to the both of them.

”I told him,” Regina said to Gina. ”I told him everything.”

They both kept smiling, beaming like the sun without smog.

”Be happy for us,” Gina said. ”This is a good thing. And we have you to thank for it.”

”I am happy,” I said. In theory. For them, anyway ”Well, anyway,” Regina said. ”We just wanted to say goodbye.”

”Goodbye, Russel,” Gina said.

”Goodbye,” I said, watching the two of them turn and walk away. They both had a spring in their step now they hadn't had before - a spring I'm not sure I'd seen since coming to Los Angeles. A walk like that was one of the first things this city killed.

I thought back to the night I'd mistakenly sent Regina that text. Could it really only have been three weeks ago? Since then, Kevin and I had ended up in a place a lot like them. How in the world had it happened so fast? It had taken Regina and Gina twenty years.

And now he's leaving, I thought.

But he'd be back. Wouldn't he? He'd said he would.

”We'd break up if we ever treated each other like that.” This was something else Kevin had said, that night we'd gone for that walk in Santa Monica.

I was still standing in the swimming pool, not moving an inch, but suddenly I had one final vision of a different time and place. I was in Kevin's and my apartment, more than sixty years earlier.

Cole Gordon faces his lover, a blond woman with a suitcase. She stands at the door, all ready to go.

”You're leaving because I'm a loser,” Cole says to her. ”Aren't you?”

”No,” she says. ”I'm leaving because you're not the person I fell in love with.”

”I knew you'd leave eventually,” Cole says bitterly.

She looks at him, so very sadly, as if he's just proved her point, then says, ”Good luck,” and turns to go.

Had this scene really happened? It was probably like all the things I'd been imagining lately, all in my mind. But once again, it didn't really matter. Either way, it was true.

Whatever you do, don't- That's what Cole Gordon had warned me. Now I knew the rest of what he'd been trying to tell me: Whatever you do, don't let him walk out that door.

Cole Gordon knew better than anyone what happened after they left you and your dreams didn't come true, what it meant to be truly desperate. How you could even end up one dark night in a very lonely bathtub.

I said at the very beginning I wasn't worried I'd come to Los Angeles and lose my soul, because I'd already seen all the movies about Hollywood, and I knew all the plot-lines. I hadn't lost my soul, but so what? I was about to lose Kevin, who was about a thousand times more important than any stupid soul. Except now that I thought about it, this was exactly how all those movies ill.u.s.trated that the main character had lost their soul: by having their lover walk out on them.

Suddenly I realized I did have something to say, something really, really important, and it was even about gay love. But it wasn't the world I had to say it to.

I ran to up to our apartment and threw open the door.

”Kevin!” I said. ”Stop! Don't go!” I looked around, in the bedroom, the kitchen, even the bathroom. ”Kevin? Are you here?”

There was no one there. I was too late.

I wasn't feeling dead inside anymore. Now I was feeling like a f.u.c.king idiot. If I called him now, would he come back? Or had I really blown the one good thing I'd ever done in my entire life?

Behind me, a key jiggled in the lock, and the door opened.

I spun around.

Kevin stood in the doorway. ”I forgot my foot cream,” he said.

He started for the bedroom.

”Wait,” I said. ”Don't go.”

He turned to look at me. I was still wet from the pool, dripping in the middle of the floor.

”I'm sorry,” I said. ”I was a total d.i.c.k. I was disappointed by the movie deal, and I took it out on you. Of course I'd pick you over screenwriting - always, absolutely, no question, without a doubt. I love you, so there is no question. I don't know why I said those things last night, but it was stupid, and I'm really sorry.”

He kept looking at me, and I didn't know what he was thinking.

Finally, he said, ”It's all good, Russel. I said stupid things too. And that question? I love you too, so I shouldn't have made you choose. I'd never make you give up your dream. But I still think I need a day or two to clear my head. I'll be back, I promise.”

He started for the door, leaving his foot cream behind.

”Please,” I said. ”Stay.”

He stopped, facing away from me, standing in the doorway.

I wondered what to say. Did I tell him that the ghost in our apartment had warned me not to let him go, even for a couple of days? Or would that make me sound as crazy as Mr. Brander?

”I'm a moron, okay?” I said. ”I came to this town to find my dream. But I already had my dream, and I didn't even know it.”

He turned around to face me again.

”Oh, wait, did you think I was talking about you?” I said. ”Oh, G.o.d, no! I meant my longstanding desire to take up skydiving. Sorry for the confusion!”