Part 6 (2/2)

One foot on the staircase, the other on the sill, I lean forward and grip the bricks with my fingertips, transferring the weight from my right foot to my left. I crouch down to try the window.

Locked.

I wipe my fingers on my pants and step across to the next windowsill. I don't look down. Not for fear of falling but because in the dark my balance has to stay on the horizontal, not vertical axis. I need my eyes focused on here, not there.

The bathroom window is also dark. It's open a crack, but it's too small and too high for me to get through. No one in there either. I step to the sill in front of Zach's room. The window's a fraction open, barely enough for me to slip my fingers under. I ease it open, swinging my right leg, then my left, then the rest of me through, dropping to the floor on a pile of Zach's clothes.

I wipe my grimy hands on my pants. Bird s.h.i.+t, too, I'm fairly sure. I can smell the phosphate. Though not as strongly as I can smell Zach.

Even without turning on the lights I can smell that they haven't changed a thing. Haven't stripped the bed or changed his sheets. Haven't moved anything. It's like Zach is still here. I'm almost afraid to breathe for fear of replacing his breath with mine.

My eyes adjust, my ears, too. I can hear traffic from the street below. A helicopter overhead. Someone shouting in the apartment next door. But there's no one but me in this one.

The pile of clothes extends into the middle of the floor. From the smell they are gym clothes: salty and rank and Zach.

I step past the bed, not looking at it because I don't want to think about what's there, what's not there, what was there. I knock over water bottles. They're all at least half full. Water trickles across the floor. I bend down and start righting them, my eyes on them, not the bed.

My eyes sting. I swallow. I'm here for a reason, I remind myself, but I can't bring myself to stand up.

The desk is cluttered with notes and books. I should look at those. My throat feels tight. I haven't been in this room since before Zach disappeared. I swallow again, stand up, close my eyes, willing them dry. I concentrate on the smells. On the Zach funk. Zach stink. Zach sweat, Zach dirty socks, Zach meatiness. I cringe from the word. Meat is what Zach is now. Meat is a word for a person once they're dead.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm here. I was sure when I started climbing the fire escape. I try to recapture that certainty.

Was I hoping to find him?

He's not here. There's only the smell of him, his sloughed-off skin and hair cells, clothes that were once pressed against him, bottles he's drunk from.

A hundred signs of what he used to be, how he used to be, but not him.

Not Zach.

I open my eyes, move to his desk, treading carefully over the clothes.

I turn the desk lamp on and blink at the brightness. For a moment black spots play across my eyes and then I'm looking at a pile of books. The nearest one has a plain red cover with the word TRAINING printed in caps in black marker. Zach's handwriting. His training log. All the guys on the team have to keep one. It's a record of their progress, what they've eaten, how many calories, how much they weigh, how many extra hours training they've done, how many games won, by how much, and all his own stats.

I pick it up, turn the first page, it probably won't tell me much. It occurs to me that the cops must have seen it. Seen this room. Have they taken things away, examined them? The thought appalls me but I'm not sure why.

I point the lamp toward the floor next to the desk and sit there, with my back to the bed. I turn the pages, trying not to think of it in Zach's hands, him scrawling these numbers and words. It's exactly like any other training log. Calories, pounds, reps, points, wins, losses. His weight stays steady. He increases his calories. His weight doesn't budge. He writes his frustration at his lack of bulk: s.h.i.+t. Still 170. 171. 172. 169. 170. s.h.i.+t.

The pages are all the same. Calories up. Weight steady or down. Wins and losses. Points and rebounds and steals. Starting. Not starting.

A punis.h.i.+ng inconstant heart.

More than thirty pages in. It's scrawled on the left-hand side.

I don't know what that means. It's not anything Zach would say. It's not even something he would think. I never heard him say those words. Well, ”heart” maybe, possibly ”punis.h.i.+ng,” but definitely not ”inconstant.” That word seems so old-fas.h.i.+oned. Who would say that? Or write it?

I peer closer. It's definitely not his handwriting. Too spiky.

I think about tearing the page out. Comparing it to Sarah's handwriting. She's poetic and overwrought. It's like something she might say.

Does Sarah think Zach had a mean heart? That she does? Is it a message for me?

I keep turning the pages, but those are the only words that aren't about his weight and the games he's played.

I search the rest of the room, but I don't know what I'm looking for, so I don't find it.

I take one of his dirty jerseys. The number 12 on the back. It reeks of him. I plan never to wash it.

AFTER.

The rumor that Erin Moncaster is missing rustles through the school. From student to student, cla.s.sroom to cla.s.sroom. The teachers, too.

I'm not sure who Erin is. I don't recognize her name.

I hear about it in English, struggling to read a poem about an icebox. Chantal whispers to Sarah.

”No,” Sarah says.

First Zach, now Erin. Is she dead? Did they know each other?

She a freshman, he a senior. It seems unlikely. They look at me. I can hear them thinking how unlikely Zach being with me was. So why not Erin? It couldn't be a coincidence. Two kids from the same school going missing so close together. How often does that happen?

Does someone out there hate this school? Will it happen again?

I can smell the fear. Chantal already carries pepper spray. By the end of the day other girls are saying they will, too. That or a loud whistle. The boys talk about knives.

I'm not afraid. I sit in Dangerous Words, failing to learn about some code our teacher, Lisa Aden, seems to think we should know. Rules for Hollywood in the olden days. Who cares?

I won't be arming myself. The Greats say you should never carry a weapon if you don't know how to use it. I know how to hunt with a knife. Grandmother's taught me how to use a slingshot and bows and arrows. Neither of them are as effective as traps. But there's a world of difference between killing a rabbit, or even a deer, and defending yourself against a person. Besides, I can't imagine anyone attacking me. I'm too fast.

”Micah?” Lisa says loudly.

I look up. ”Sorry,” I say.

”Do you know the answer?”

”Um.”

”Do you know the question?”

”I'm sorry,” I say. ”I was thinking about Erin Moncaster.”

She nods. ”Many of us are. But we have to go on with this cla.s.s. My question was, What are some of the words that are generally acceptable to use now that were forbidden by the Production Code?”

”Um,” I say again. I have no idea. I try to think of a word that might have been bad in the olden days but isn't so much now. ”d.a.m.n?” I ask.

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